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I think I know the answer to my own question...which is, unfortunately, that I need to keep my mom at a distance. It would be nice to repair our relationship and be closer but I've tried and tried and it always ends up the same, with her emotionally manipulating me, feeling "under her thumb" to keep her from an outburst, or holding her good deeds over me, or using them to try to prove something to my dad? Which if I don't comply with I am a wretched daughter. She says horrible things and if I don't let her...well last time she said something hurtful about my husband to get to me instead...and it stops me from growing into my own person - which is ridiculous at my age.
 
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Her behaviour - crazy making - is because she cannot let go of the divorce. 30+ years and a second marriage and she still cannot get over it and she hates it that I don't hate my dad. She wants me to be complicit in letting him know just how horrible he is - if I don't then she feels I don't love her. Unless I was to turn around and tell her that I love her only and hate him...then on some level she hates me too, while using her "love" as ammo to hurt me for it - because she can't get to him.
 
Sorry for venting so much...this is just the ongoing split family war that I have been dealing with most of my life - it's crushing, confidence destroying, oppressive - and I wish it were different but it is what it is and I need to keep my mom out of my life or set very clear boundaries on my terms before our relationship can even begin to heal.
 
Truth is, my mother's not all bad. She has good qualities but it's the worst of the negative ones that pervade our relationship. It's like both of us are pleading to fill a hole that neither one of us will fill...me, to have her to confide in and to trust her for some compassion...and she wants me to make her feel closure over the divorce by giving my allegiance to her and sticking it to my dad - not willing to do that. I knew that sending her a card might be seen as an invitation to get together. It was only to let her know that I do love her. That she is my mom. I am not ready to talk to her. If I hadn't sent it - the next time we talked she'd make me feel horribly guilty or she'd have my step dad call for her and give me heck for forgetting her on mother's day.
 
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Kimmio - no one but you can decide what you should do.
My mother died when I was young, so I don't know what it would be like to have an adult-to-adult relationship with her. My dad practically ignored me (middle kid - order sister was his favourite; younger sister was his baby). After Mom died he completely failed as a parent. We weren't want I would call estranged but we just didn't have anything in common and practically ignored each other. I did go to his funeral because it seemed the right thing to do and it made things easier with my brother and sisters.
So the advice I would give if I were giving advice would be to do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable (or the least uncomfortable). Form the tone of your posts I would say ignore her.
 
Seeler said:
Kimmio - no one but you can decide what you should do.
My mother died when I was young, so I don't know what it would be like to have an adult-to-adult relationship with her. My dad practically ignored me (middle kid - order sister was his favourite; younger sister was his baby). After Mom died he completely failed as a parent. We weren't want I would call estranged but we just didn't have anything in common and practically ignored each other. I did go to his funeral because it seemed the right thing to do and it made things easier with my brother and sisters.
So the advice I would give if I were giving advice would be to do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable (or the least uncomfortable). Form the tone of your posts I would say ignore her.
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Thanks. I think so too. It just gets me in a tizzy.
 
It's always good when you arrive at your own decisions ... as you have. Now to settle yourself with it, stick with it, feel satisfied & not be second guessing will possibly be a next piece of work to do. Now ... pull up a chair & enjoy a nice cuppa tea that pinga has brewed up for us :-) I'm knitting on a prayer shawl, hoping tomorrow's weather will permit be to be in the garden. I do so love to be connected to the earth - I do some of my best thinking there.
 
I had a very good day, yes, I did.
Carolla, you are partially to take credit for my very good, fun day.
Why? It was euchre night. Now our euchre night is not like yours...haven't hit the 8 people, but there are regulars who block the night, and others who come sometimes, and tonight there was 4 of us. I bought beer coz it is May 24, and some folks split a couple of beers so they could taste different ones, and we played cards, and then we chatted, and well, we just had fun.

I also, had a crazy day at work, like every day, and I committed to working Sunday and part of Monday,coz, life is crazy and the date of the transition is rapidl approaching, but, i spoke to my manager and said " i can do this _________", and that is it, and why, and so, it is on record. I also ensured leadership of the project knew the conseuences of their actions.

I spent time thanking my team for knocking some stuff out of the ball park, and doing some great work. One of my guys solved an issue, one caused an issue, so that is about par for the course...but, overall, pretty darn good.

Plus, i had a great call with a potential future employer. Talking about options and potential jobs should I decide to leave and continue to work. It's a good feeling.

So, thanks folks, for just being here...Listening to Joan Armatrading and reading th eposts.
 
Kimmio, your relationship with your mom sounds very complicated and I am sorry it causes you grief. As others have said, it sounds like you have come to a good conclusion on your own but that still doesn't make it easy. Also, no need to move the post, room for all is a place o discuss anything.
 
Pinga said:
I had a very good day, yes, I did.
Carolla, you are partially to take credit for my very good, fun day.
Why? It was euchre night. Now our euchre night is not like yours...haven't hit the 8 people, but there are regulars who block the night, and others who come sometimes, and tonight there was 4 of us. I bought beer coz it is May 24, and some folks split a couple of beers so they could taste different ones, and we played cards, and then we chatted, and well, we just had fun.

I also, had a crazy day at work, like every day, and I committed to working Sunday and part of Monday,coz, life is crazy and the date of the transition is rapidl approaching, but, i spoke to my manager and said " i can do this _________", and that is it, and why, and so, it is on record. I also ensured leadership of the project knew the conseuences of their actions.

I spent time thanking my team for knocking some stuff out of the ball park, and doing some great work. One of my guys solved an issue, one caused an issue, so that is about par for the course...but, overall, pretty darn good.

Plus, i had a great call with a potential future employer. Talking about options and potential jobs should I decide to leave and continue to work. It's a good feeling.

So, thanks folks, for just being here...Listening to Joan Armatrading and reading th eposts.
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hmmm, maybe I had more than one beer? hah.
Yes, I was the happy person who wandered into the room with a wee buzz on.

So, I know lots of you are out gardening, picnicing, visiting, camping, or just enjoying this lovely day. Some may have done what I did, got up super early, then went back to bed until noon.

I've left some fruit out, some coffee, and lots of general healthy snacks. There are a few of the grapefruit beer or the blood orange beer that I enjoyed so much last night. The glasses are chilled in the freezer.

Relax, put your feet up, and maybe, call the magical massage person over for a quick massage.
 
Yes ... I've been out in the garden most of the day ... taking a juice break out of the hot sun (how wonderful to say those words - "hot sun"!) It was cool here this morning, but now glorious :-) No specific plans for most of the weekend, which is perfect!

I had a long chat at lunch with a friend's son who is graduating from OT soon ... interested in knowing to connect with some people, ideas re job search, etc. I always love talking with students ... reflecting on what has worked well/or not! - in my own career.

Glad to hear you had so much fun at euchre last night pinga. Our 'year end dinner' is next Friday - I think we're going to one of those Japanese type places where they cook stuff in a big show at the table, so that should be great!

Okay - break time is over ... back off to play in the dirt!
 
Mire pleasure with playing around with Bottom's line? That ass that carries us through the midnight guise ... a mule in arid space? Walter Brenan called IT Midnight ... a sort of Black Hoarse thing ...
 
@ChemGal keep on keeping on.

@Pinga you sound so busy!

@chansen when do you go back to your job?

@Kimmio I'm sorry things are so touch with your Mom. I have a "unique" relationship with my Mom and always have had one. I am getting better at providing her with feedback when she hurts my feelings or setting boundaries. Sometimes my husband intervenes because he gets so frustrated with the shenanigans.

As for me - I'm still in the hospital and really things are still really tough. They can't get my meds right. I did manage to get a weekend pass but I'm having balance problems and feel into the chair and i guess sprained my wrist. I was worried I broke my scaffoid but telehealth thinks it is sprained. And it's my dominant hand to boot. My subsitute churhc minister came to visit and her visit was incredible - she's incredible.

have a good rest of your long weekend everyone!
 
Justme said:
@chansen when do you go back to your job?
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Damned if I know. Waiting on the call. I've even been introduced to clients as being in charge of the two jobsites I'm starting on, but there are some logistics that have to happen, and I'm not part of that.
 
Justme, I'm hoping the doctors soon find meds that are appropriate for you. Thankful you didn't break a bone, but also recognize that sprains are also painful and slow to heal. Not sure if you will be on again soon, but, do know that I care about you . I am thankful for your presence here and look forward to you being present.
 
I've been participating in Meadowlark Nature Festival. Spent this morning on a trail ride-saddles and sagebrush followed by lunch. Then I went on a walk demonstrating how some changes to the OK River channel-reconnecting 2 oxbows, adding gravel etc. have helped the salmon come back. Tomorrow I'm at a cultural tour of first nations lands and teas and berries etc. I'm enjoying this-I've been aware of the festival before but this is the first year I've got it together to order my tickets in advance.

There is so much care needed in the natural world and much to learn.
I find time in nature calms and energizes me. It's good for my soul.
 
It's been a busy two days. Yesterday Seelerman and I drove up to the village where I went to high-school to attend a funeral (see post in Religion). We didn't really get an opportunity to talk with the widow except for a brief hug and the usual "I'm sorry for your loss." Her only daughter was had spent the past few weeks with her and perhaps anxious to return to Ontario had been helping her sort her belongings and prepare the house for sale - a big mistake in my mind to rush things while her mother was in a daze from grief and fatigue. Today they had a yard sale.
Seelerman and I drove up. He looked around at garden and carpentry tools. I sat beside my friend and remembered happier times. I mentioned that my sister sent her condolences and she remembered that my sister shared her interest in collecting dolls - so she gave me a doll to pass on to my sister. Sad time - I doubt if we will ever see her again - she's going with her daughter.
We were home by noon.
This afternoon Seelerman and I drove down river in the opposite direction to attend the 80th birthday party of one of the women we bowl with. Her friends and neighbours from the village gathered in the community hall. Her three children and their families were there - her youngest granddaughter, a beautiful 19 year-old, gave a little speech about what Nana meant to her and her siblings and cousins. Sandwiches, vegie trays, punch, sweets, tea and coffee. She looked so pleased. A great time was had by all.

Surprisingly, after two busy days, I'm not feeling tired but I've got to get to bed. Tomorrow I'm apt to feel completely dragged out.
 
chansen said:
Damned if I know. Waiting on the call. I've even been introduced to clients as being in charge of the two jobsites I'm starting on, but there are some logistics that have to happen, and I'm not part of that.
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Sounds like working in academia.

@Justme the meds must be frustrating, I hope that balance is found soon! Enjoy your weekend pass, then make sure you get a 2nd opinion about the wrist!

It was cool and rained today. The sun's out now, I'm going to go outside soon as I don't think it rained enough for all of my plants, plus there are those in the greenhouse.

Feeling pretty blah - I think I have a sinus infection related to the wisdom teeth removal. I'll be getting that checked out after the weekend. Was hoping to see my ENT, I called a while ago. In the past I had no problem getting in within a few weeks. I have an appointment in June though and I think the receptionist didn't take my request to be seen earlier all that seriously. I'm not impressed with the front staff the office sells a bunch of cosmetic stuff including makeup and the professional standards of one at least one of the people there is quite low. I'll probably do a follow up with my surgeon this week, but at this point it doesn't feel urgent enough to call the after hours line.

Chemguy decided he wanted to host a BBQ and he stuck with that plan, fridge lacking and all. I told him it's his party and to not expect me to do much. Other than actually informing people of the date/time/who's coming (my sister thought it was just going to be 4 of us) he's done a decent job of tidying. I wrote out the grocery list, as he would forget little details like tomatoes for the burgers. We also did the liquor store run tonight - he carried most of the stuff while I picked it out. Unless I gave him a really specific list the booze always comes down to me. I'm pretty happy, he's upped his game where just burgers & condiments and cans of pop aren't what he prepares for and I've relaxed a fair bit. Hopefully resting so much today means I can actually have fun with people tomorrow. If not, it's going to be small with people who understand; I can fall asleep in a chair or slip upstairs for a short nap while Chemguy hosts.
 
So Mr. Me insisted i go to hospital. It looks like the scaphoid is broken but like what happened 11 years ago on my left hand it's hard to be sure so more xrays and cast change in two weeks. It;s a half-cast so it's plaster but it has to stay on all the time. I am very right handed so it will be nteresting. Filing this under what doesn't kill you makes you stronger :)
 
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