adulting

[Pinga]

Designating complex care vs. care is something I like the idea of too. What we provide for my mom is definitely not complex care. My mom is very independent for someone in their eighties. The kind of stuff we do for her include cooking some meals, doing some driving, shovelling her driveway, doing lawn care, gardening, doing some cleaning, and running some errands. There is also the ministry of presence.

So, i am confused by the above.
I consider my son living with my husband & I.
As someone living in the same home, he is not "caring for us" when he
a) cooks meals
b) takes a turn at driving
c) shovels the sidewalk or driveway
d) takes care of the yard
e) cleans
f) runs errands.

All of those items fit in the cohabitation ruleset.

Now, if i had totally different living space, and I was paying rent..then maybe, just maybe, I might consider the items above caring for, but, dang it, i would be hard pressed to if I was living in the same building.

 

[KayTheCurler]

I don't consider the chores my hubby does as caregiving, just as he doesn't think of the things I do as caregiving. At some point this situation could become a type of mutual caregiving, leading to one of us actually being a caregiver. My sons live in their own homes but occasionally do something to help us - not caregiving - just being caring family. DaisyJane provides extreme caregiving to her son. Chemguy/gal fit in some sort of in between category. Jae is merely being a caring adult child.

 

[Seeler]

I sometimes refer to Seelerman as my caregiver, although our situation is probably more similar to Jae's than to Daisyjanes or Chemguys. Certainly Seelerman does more for me than he did even five years ago. I usually wait until he is home before taking a bath or shower. He cooks meals when I am too tired to do much but sit. He does some houseework. He carries the laundry basket up and down the basement stairs and does most of the laundry. He does most of the driving. This is in addition to his regular chores of maintenance, snowblowing, mowing, fixing around the house.
My support group refers to spouses who take on these roles as caregivers.

 

[DaisyJane]

It is interesting that when the man cooks the meal for his tired partner it is caregiving, but when I cook a meal for my tired husband it is simply "making dinner".

One of the challenges I struggle with as I think through these issues is the fact that much of the tasks we traditionally talk about are "women's work" When a woman does many of these tasks they are simply chores, but when a male family member takes on the task it is seen as something different - caregiving (often, though certainly not always). This is often the challenge when we try to tease out what is "mothering" and expected and what is "caregiving" and requires support to ensure the family copes.

These issues are very much feminist issues.

 

[Pinga]

I agree, DaisyJane.

In adult relationships there is also the navigation of the "release of control" and "assumption of control".
In our family, my husband retired from corporate work over a decade ago. Almost all traditional household chores have been assumed by him or outsourced.
I recognize, that for may parents, there was that time of transition from my mother doing tasks to my father doing them. Wasn't always easy.

 

[KayTheCurler]

It is interesting that when the man cooks the meal for his tired partner it is caregiving, but when I cook a meal for my tired husband it is simply "making dinner".


Yup - just like people said how wonderful my hubby was because he took the kids to the park - but never said that about the many times I took the kids to the park. Also that he tends to want recognition if he does something around the house - but doesn't acknowledge the work I do.

I am seeing many women struggling on and men in similar situations get help.

A feminist problem indeed.

 

[Mendalla]

It is interesting that when the man cooks the meal for his tired partner it is caregiving, but when I cook a meal for my tired husband it is simply "making dinner".

Really? It is? When I cook, it's "making dinner". As it is when Mrs. M cooks. Simply cooking the daily meal doesn't really strike me as caregiving. Then again, me cooking isn't usually a matter of her being tired. There are actually menus we eat that I normally cook (our Indian food, for instance). We also work together on some menus. Less so post-Little M since we mostly eat her cuisine now and I'm not that proficient at Chinese.

Maybe it's because of being in home health for so long, but caregiving to me is more about taking care of a spouse who is incapacitated by illness or disabilities or whatever. Helping with medical stuff (like Chemguy helping Chemgal with her meds) or life stuff (bathing, dressing, etc.)

Cooking a meal or doing housework is just what you do and has to be done no matter whether one of you is incapacitated or not.

 

[Pinga]

@Mendalla , my sense is when someone moves into a role that one normally didn't carry.
Exampe: My father used to sit in the living room watching tv with my mom, and say "hey, "mymom", make us a tea". She would get up and make tea. When mom became ill, dad became the person to get up and make tea, to make dinner sometimes, to run a vacuum...alll things in his generation he would not have done.

 

[KayTheCurler]

I see a difference between two healthy mid life people sharing the chores and an older couple managing as best they can. Often there are limiting health issues for the older couple making it more like caregiving when one takes over. My hubby is happy enough to cook but struggles with the chores like cleaning floors on the times when I don't feel up to it.

 

[ChemGal]

I sometimes refer to Seelerman as my caregiver, although our situation is probably more similar to Jae's than to Daisyjanes or Chemguys. Certainly Seelerman does more for me than he did even five years ago. I usually wait until he is home before taking a bath or shower. He cooks meals when I am too tired to do much but sit. He does some houseework. He carries the laundry basket up and down the basement stairs and does most of the laundry. He does most of the driving. This is in addition to his regular chores of maintenance, snowblowing, mowing, fixing around the house.
My support group refers to spouses who take on these roles as caregivers.

The health workshops I did used both the terms caregivers and supporters.
Chemguy still denies that he was a caregiver. He will say there was a huge relief when I switched to subcutaneous injections most of the time though. It's funny, as he is doing my B12 injections for me and I don't think of that aspect as caregiving. I think the difference there is for the IVs, even when I could do them myself some of the time I did rely on him for that help. It was either struggle through big time, do additional starts, etc. if I didn't have help at least half the time with them and suffer for that vs. the B12 it just being less of a hassle. Better injection location for my situation and not having to go to the pharmacy for it (or just doing my arm myself). It feels much more optional, just like making dinner, getting drives, etc. I could manage to get a meal or get a ride elsewhere if I wasn't up to driving.

 

[Seeler]

I don't think I would used the term 'caregiver' if it were just aa matter of Seelerman and I sharing chores; if when he takes responssibility for laundry, I changed the winter tyres or shovelled off the deck or repaired the lawn-mower. But when he continues doing the things he has always done while at the samee time doing many of the things I used to accept responsibility for, then he is helping to care for me. We are a different generation than many of you - Seelermaan is in his eighties. When he is cooking my meals, helping me get dressed (hooking my bra, inserting my earrings, helping with zippers or my boots), wiping up spills, driving me to places I used to drive myself (I still drive some), or dropping me at the church door so I don't have to navigate an icy parking lot - he is taking care of me. Gradually he will be doing more. If the time comes when he is not able or willing, we will have to hire help or move to a place that provides care. Hopefully that is years in the future.

Yes, Chemgal, sometimes at our Parkinsons Group we refer to our caregivers as supporters. or vise versa.

 

[Luce NDs]

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