Unwritten Family Rules

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I suppose by now you can see how these "unwritten family rules" have a huge say in how we navigate life.
The rigidity of them can lead to a lot of confusion, anger, feeling slighted, etc - the list is endless!

All those hurt feelings arising from unwritten family rules. (Well, I would say that, wouldn't I? Coming from a family where the most important family rule was not to hurt people's feelings.)

Perhaps if, instead of reacting when someone breaks an unwritten rule, we can enquire about THEIR family rule. Chances are it's completely different - and thus there's no need for us to react so negatively?
 
With the phone, I see it as a safety thing when I'm at home. If one is calling me and they don't know who lives here I'm not about to provide them that information.
Answering the phone at work would be different, but even then there are situations where rather than giving one's name, just providing the area reached is appropriate.

Last time my grandpa phoned Chemguy picked up the phone - we still have a landline. Conversation went like this:
C: Hello?
G: Hi, who is this?
C: Who IS THIS?
G: It's first name

Chemguy then laughed and spoke a few friendly words before passing the phone over to me. Maybe a bit of a generational difference, but there's enough phone scams out there as it is, why give that extra info out? I know my Mom feels the same.
Caller ID certainly helps. There are times that someone like my sister doesn't even pay attention, starts blabbing to Chemguy not paying attention to who picked up haha.
 
We didn't have an unwritten family rule about phones when I was growing up: we didn't have a phone.

My understanding is that it is the caller who should identify himself.

ie: Phone rings
Me: Hello (Or if a business 'Central Trust Company')
Caller: Who's this?
Me: Who is calling, please?
Caller: John Miller
Me: To whom do you wish to speak?

Of course with caller ID it is not as important as it once was, but not everybody has caller ID and not everybody is good at recognizing voices.

If you invade my space (by calling me) it is your responsibility to identify yourself, not mine.
 
We just answered the phone with "Hello". My assumption is that if the phone is ringing, the person on the other hand knows who they are looking for.
 
Uh, yes, if they don't know? "May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Completely Fouls Up Last Name?" "Certainly, I'll see if I can find them." *Return to put phone on cradle some minutes/hours later.*
 
PilgrimsProgress said:
I suppose by now you can see how these "unwritten family rules" have a huge say in how we navigate life.
The rigidity of them can lead to a lot of confusion, anger, feeling slighted, etc - the list is endless!

All those hurt feelings arising from unwritten family rules. (Well, I would say that, wouldn't I? Coming from a family where the most important family rule was not to hurt people's feelings.)

Perhaps if, instead of reacting when someone breaks an unwritten rule, we can enquire about THEIR family rule. Chances are it's completely different - and thus there's no need for us to react so negatively?
Click to expand...

Ahhh - so be aware of our own responses, be curious about where that comes from (acknowledging the feelings are ours & the 'broken rules' are ours), inquire instead of jumping to judgement, assuming intent etc. ... leads to feeling better? You're so smart!! I'm all for us doing more of this (y)
 
Carolla said:
Ahhh - so be aware of our own responses, be curious about where that comes from (acknowledging the feelings are ours & the 'broken rules' are ours), inquire instead of jumping to judgement, assuming intent etc. ... leads to feeling better? You're so smart!! I'm all for us doing more of this (y)
Click to expand...

Not so much smart, m'dear -I put it down to living with a mental illness.......
Insight and humour are the cornerstones of my resilience. :)
 
What I find amazing about the 'rules' is how we are still uncovering them when getting old! Sometimes I suddenly notice a thought and realise that it was planted in me as a small kid and I hadn't until that very moment thought about it.

I found myself 'judging' another family as 'rather rude', because they invited us to a meal and greeted us with requests to peel potatoes, find some plates and cutlery etc.. I had always believed that a 'good' host/ess did meal prep ahead of time so they were able to socialise with the guests.. In conversation I learned that some other people consider the potato peeling etc. as part of the socialising!
 
KayTheCurler said:
What I find amazing about the 'rules' is how we are still uncovering them when getting old! Sometimes I suddenly notice a thought and realise that it was planted in me as a small kid and I hadn't until that very moment thought about it.

I found myself 'judging' another family as 'rather rude', because they invited us to a meal and greeted us with requests to peel potatoes, find some plates and cutlery etc.. I had always believed that a 'good' host/ess did meal prep ahead of time so they were able to socialise with the guests.. In conversation I learned that some other people consider the potato peeling etc. as part of the socialising!
Click to expand...

Oh, yes, I do miss the making a meal together with my friends in Canada. None of my Canadian friends has that understanding of sitting in the kitchen together cutting up vegetables and chatting.
 
KayTheCurler said:
What I find amazing about the 'rules' is how we are still uncovering them when getting old! Sometimes I suddenly notice a thought and realise that it was planted in me as a small kid and I hadn't until that very moment thought about it.

I found myself 'judging' another family as 'rather rude', because they invited us to a meal and greeted us with requests to peel potatoes, find some plates and cutlery etc.. I had always believed that a 'good' host/ess did meal prep ahead of time so they were able to socialise with the guests.. In conversation I learned that some other people consider the potato peeling etc. as part of the socialising!
Click to expand...

The idea of coming as a guest or 'pitching in' can cause misunderstandings in families and in gatherings. Apparently invitations for meals can run all the way from something similar to a potluck with the host preparing the main dish (roast beef, turkey, spagetti & meatballs) and the guests bringing salads, sides, and dessert, to the guest being strictly 'a guest' who arrives with a smile to be entertained. In the first case to arrive empty handed is to be a mooch; in the second the host, who has already planned to meal to the last detail, has something thrust into his hands at the last moment. In this case a bottle of wine (unless they are non-drinkers) might be welcome. It it doesn't fit with the meal the host can always say 'thank you, I'll save this for later'. Even flowers can present a problem for the host unless they are already in a container that can be stuck in a corner if they don't suit the table decoration.

As for helping out before or after the meal - a host I try to have everything almost ready before the first arrivals (otherwise Seelerman answers the door, takes coats, pours wine and entertains in the livingroom until I call him to carve while I do the last minute prep.) I do hope that guests will take care of their own children, preparing their plates, etc. I think the idea of the hostess sitting in the livingroom with her guests disappeared when servants or hired-girls disappeared from middle-class homes. Now, clean up after is another matter. I appreciate one or two guests helping out when the meal is over.

The first time I visited Seelerman's home, I was greeted and invited in. No one offered me a chair; Seelerman muttered in my ear "aren't you going to sit down" and I took the nearest chair. A bit later his brother boiled the kettle and made himself a cup of instant coffee. As an after thought he asked me if I'd like some. 'Yes'. 'Help yourself.' I looked at Seelerman. No way would I open their cupboard doors to look for a mug. He got me a mug and spoon. I understood. I helped myself to the instant coffee and sugar and asked him to get me some milk from the fridge. My future bil muttered something about not knowing how I liked it. We all felt awkward. I felt unwelcome. They thought I was proud and stand-offish. So began a difficult relationship.
 
Another thought about unwritten family rules.........
If we must judge each other (and unless we are God, it seems we do) it's more honest to judge them on themselves - rather than if they break an unwritten family rule.
When I first visited my eldest step-daughter's home, I brought her a large sticky bun to have with afternoon tea. (Unwritten rule - "Never visit empty-handed.")
"What's this for?" she demanded.
"To eat with afternoon tea", I replied.
"What's that icing?"
"Er, coffee, I think" - I said , somewhat taken aback.
"You might as well take it home with you, no-one here will eat it."

I was gobsmacked, was this the rudest person I'd ever met?
No, it turned out that her unwritten rule was that it was insulting to bring something as a guest - it signified that you didn't think much of the hostess's ability.

On the way home, I let her father know I was not happy!
"When you get to know her, you'll learn she's the kindest of all the girls", he said.

And, she is!!!

And here's a hint about when unwritten family rules might be the culprit. Whenever you find yourself thinking, "How rude!" - check to see if it might be a case of unwritten family rules being played out - before you get yourself all hot and bothered.
 
I first met my ex-husband's grandmother a few months into the relationship. I was frightened to death, as I knew how much he liked and respected this woman. It was an occasion of the K_______ family reunion in D______, Ontario. Anyway, I was a Toronto girl, and got all dressed up to meet grandma. Turns out that the reunion was in a farmer's field, largely, which was sort of hilarious given my footwear, but okay. The big moment happens as I'm still trying to figure out if I was going to be able to get a glass for my beer (so to impress grandma with my good manners, lol), when a dynamic little woman appears in front of me, very casually dressed, almost takes my arm off with her handshake, and thrusts a can of Bud in my hand with a "Glad you made it. Drink up!"...
 
PilgrimsProgress said:
Another thought about unwritten family rules.........
If we must judge each other (and unless we are God, it seems we do) it's more honest to judge them on themselves - rather than if they break an unwritten family rule.
When I first visited my eldest step-daughter's home, I brought her a large sticky bun to have with afternoon tea. (Unwritten rule - "Never visit empty-handed.")
"What's this for?" she demanded.
"To eat with afternoon tea", I replied.
"What's that icing?"
"Er, coffee, I think" - I said , somewhat taken aback.
"You might as well take it home with you, no-one here will eat it."

I was gobsmacked, was this the rudest person I'd ever met?
No, it turned out that her unwritten rule was that it was insulting to bring something as a guest - it signified that you didn't think much of the hostess's ability.

On the way home, I let her father know I was not happy!
"When you get to know her, you'll learn she's the kindest of all the girls", he said.

And, she is!!!

And here's a hint about when unwritten family rules might be the culprit. Whenever you find yourself thinking, "How rude!" - check to see if it might be a case of unwritten family rules being played out - before you get yourself all hot and bothered.
Click to expand...

Open up to "awl things" ---Wotan? Tis a wooded myth ... where the Shadow resides in recession ... thus sacred gardens that may appear as swamps ... Louis E Anna? Towards the discharge of Mrs. Hype ... cistern of God knows what has been dumped by war-like industry ...

Strategically and staid .. they still are not cognizant ... in need of behavioural therapy on collectivism of moderate nature ...
 
Could be that schism between eastern philosophy and western determination on unknown gods --Mark Twain on the perspective of they've never met, collided, what ever ... because of the spin effect? I have to be carful about how I say ancient wisdom and naïveté ... someone will label me ignorant (an the first thing I'll be into the Circe like a Moe'L) ... and they think the shrew can be tamed?

Perhaps they don't know the ava vite ... ava-rous, or just from aragonite? Icons of the deep past ... ammo-nites? Explosive cognizance that something was buried there in ions pas'd ...
 
Anyone see the movie Maudie? Probably not much interest to those outside the Maritimes!

The subtle humour of this isolated savant was entertaining ... considering the oppression she was up against. She did have an "in-site" to real jerks like her brother, aunt, etc. even bringing her brute male about in de light ... of the simple things of life!

Even a hint of putting VP Nixon in his place ...
 
crazyheart said:
Certain dishes were only used when we had company for supper. Oher wise, they stayed in china cabinet.
Click to expand...

Generations of my family keep "the best china" stored away, and it only appeared on "special occasions"......

My best china is never used. In fact it's been in that cabinet for so long, I should charge it rent......
 
For us, we don't talk about stuff. Family secrets go down with a generation as they die.
We don't converse.

We go to other families where everything is out in the open from bodily experiences to relationships, doesn't matter they chat.

Family rules.
 
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