Transgenderism ..... ask your questions!

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Pinga said:
RitaTG, where are you able to present in the way you feel is true to your inner being? Do you have to travel away? Are there places in your region that you feel comfortable.

Note: I remember a woman who came to our church as woman, her son came for a while, and finally other members. It was a safe place for her to be her, and to be welcomed as her, and for her family to adapt to people seeing their "dad" as a faithful woman.
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Thank you Pinga .... I ... and an increasing number of trans persons here in Northern Ontario are choosing to be ourselves right where we live. Unfortunately the majority travel to do so. You see.... in Southern Ontario .... generally speaking ... 30 minutes from your door and you are anonymous. Not so here or in small communities. Here ... you dare go out in public and you are "out".
Ok ..... here in Sudbury .... where am I comfortable being me.... Everywhere but my home and a number of churches of course.
I need to be me right where I live ... to have to "run away" to be me is in a sense saying to myself that I am not who I say I am ... to me .... the person in the mirror. Sudbury is a wonderful place to be me :) ...... I have very little trouble and even the odd "look" here and there is no big deal really.
Church ..... very important to me ..... I was frozen out of a church I had been in for 18 years (finally counted) even though I was still going as the male they knew.... that was devastating .... some of my family still goes there (yep ..... try that for family dynamics). Anyways .... roots .... I was a helper .. always was ... always will be ..... that was taken away (still hurts).
Depression.... one Sunday I just couldn't go to the other one anymore ..... I took the easy way and decided, as a male, to drop in to the little church in my neighbourhood.... just a 10 minute walk away .... happened to be a United Church .... I knew nothing about them or the denomination. I fell in love ... and wept.... would they ever accept me as me?
Later I met with the minister ..... long story .... and now I am part of that congregation as myself. There I am just Rita .... not Rita the trans woman ..... just Rita ... a woman. There is no "affirming" status for the church or rainbow this or that...
I am blessed ..... so blessed ...... we will see what happens at home....
 
DaisyJane said:
Hi Rita. Coming out of longterm lurkdom to say thanks for this thread. I am reading with both interest and gratitude for your willingness to share your knowledge and experiences.
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Hugs DaisyJane ... thank you ... your questions are always welcomed too :)
 
Pinga said:
RitaTG, what particular concerns are there for workplace.

Washrooms in workplaces are almost always male/female.
People are known professionally as one thing, and I know for sure, that our HR systems and , our transition to the email systems etc, all use legal name. That can't be easy.

What can I do to help to make them less of a concern?
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Well Pinga ... if your workplace is in Ontario ... you need some huge changes.... this is no longer an option ... it is law...
I have the right to be treated "the same as" any other woman.
I have the right to my chosen name and pronouns everywhere.... no exceptions....
I have the right to the gender specific facilities of the gender I identify with ... no exceptions (washrooms/changerooms etc)
If someone objects it is the duty of the business to accommodate that person .... I stay where I am...
Our group does quite a lot of awareness training regarding this....
If you would like help I would be delighted to be a resource.
 
Pr. Jae said:
Rita, do you ever wish that you were not transgendered? If so, why? If not, was there ever a time in which you did?
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There was a time Jae that I prayed ever so earnestly .... again and again .... take this curse from me ....
Had there been a pill or whatever that would make this go away I would have swallowed an entire bottle full.
You see ..... My dear wife ... the family I love more than my life itself ...... my religious understandings and convictions ..... I so very much wanted to do right.
A long road for there to where I am now .......unimaginable struggles .....
There were the times I so very much wished that I had been born simply as a woman ... like "ordinary" women.
No longer ...... this is exactly the kind of woman I am supposed to be! ... this is my path!
Now I know this is not a curse .... rather ... this is an incredible precious gift! ..... this is supposed to be expressed in wonderful ways! I am so humbled and grateful to have been made as I am!
 
Mrs.Anteater said:
I find it difficult to believe that kids younger than pre-teen can be so sure to be transgender. Now, I suppose by pre teen you get a feeling for your sexual orientation and as you said, gender orientation is different from sexual orientation. But kids have so much fantasy - some kids are just "tom boys", some parents might press kids into a roll of being the boy or girl they really wanted... How could one make sure it really is the kid's wish and not the parents influence?
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A valid concern Mrs.Anteater .....
Let me say this .... the psychological care and screening we all go through is extensive. Everything is on the table ... everything is open to question and examination.
The younger a person is .... the more careful the professionals are.
Parents are most reluctant to allow gender exploration or change. A parent that pushes is extremely rare ... actually I have yet to hear of a documented case. That is easy for a professional to catch. The far more usual case is the struggle for the professional to get the parents to understand.
Teenagers .... yes ..... I am well aware .... I work with a youth facility that specializes in kids that struggle with a wide variety of problems.
In summary ... for the young ones that are so insistent and persistent (notice those two markers) ... it is hell...
Definitely not fantasy ..... that is wishful thinking ..... wishing it would all just go away ... have them be "normal"
Thank you for asking.....
 
Northwind said:
RitaTG I'm so glad to be following this thread. Thank you.

I sometimes think about what it must be like to start the transition process. I have a friend who is in the beginning stages. He started by being somewhat androgynous for sometime and then letting people know gradually. He now lives as a man and seems very happy. It is clearly a good move for him. Heck, his chosen name suits him far better than the one he had when I met him. I guess there is some advantage to being able to chose our name.

What is it like to take those first tentative steps?
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Starting the transition process ..... ohhhhhhhhh my!!!! ..... awkward!!!!!
Androgynous ...... yes we try that ..... try and blend in and change bit by bit.... often adds more confusion and uneasiness in others than it is worth.....
Having watched others do that I decided when I came out I was crossing the line in a very definite way.
Which is better .... quite a debate on that.....
 
Waterfall said:
Great thread! What is the best age to teach children about transgendered people and what should be said? And how does one teach this without coming across as it being "different"? Are there any good books to help?
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The best age to teach children is as early as possible.
Make it simple ..... that person is really a girl inside or a boy inside ..... actually it is that simple....
Here is a book I recommend and there are links to others:
http://www.amazon.com/My-Princess-Boy-Cheryl-Kilodavis/dp/1442429887
...and another I very much recommend....
http://www.amazon.ca/I-Am-Jazz-Jessica-Herthel/dp/0803741073
Children are much more adaptable to the whole concept .... we need to learn from them...
 
Thank you for asking Waterfall ....
My spouse .... my wife ..... oh my how she struggles!!!!
The longest road is between the brain and the heart.
The closer it is to you ... the more the heart rules....
This is so very hard for her to wrap her head around....
Was she not woman enough? ..... was it that I wanted sex with men? ..... is she now a lesbian???
So many doubts and questions .... barriers .... fears ..... that answers struggle to be heard through....
You see ....... in a sense ..... she has to sleep with her husband's mistress....
I .... Rita .... am the woman that is stealing away her man......
She has so much to contend with .... please .... be gentle with our spouses .... and pray for them if that is part of your beliefs.
Please keep in mind that I love my dear wife so so much and were it possible .... I would not have chosen this path.
The path chose me.
This is my promise to my wife and my family ...... whatever I do as "Rita" will be honourable and good. I will do nothing that I would not do with you present and watching.
Our spouses ... oh my ...... oh my......
 
RitaTG said:
Starting the transition process ..... ohhhhhhhhh my!!!! ..... awkward!!!!!
Androgynous ...... yes we try that ..... try and blend in and change bit by bit.... often adds more confusion and uneasiness in others than it is worth.....
Having watched others do that I decided when I came out I was crossing the line in a very definite way.
Which is better .... quite a debate on that.....
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I think my friend's androgynous phase was part of his process of confirming that he did indeed identify as male. He could no longer identify as female. He went through a phase of looking like a 12 year old boy. Somehow that seems appropriate. He "revisited" his teen years and possibly needed that step along his journey. When he made the decision to transition, he jumped in with both feet and started living as a man. It is wonderful to see him looking quite happy these days.
 
Rita, I am interested in the family dynamics. The questions are hard to ask and I presume that they are harder to answer.
SoI will understand if you can't or don't.

Have you had surgery?

Do your children still look to you as a father figure?

Did your wife ever consider leaving the marriage?

Is there a sexual component still in your marriage?

I will understand if you don't answer.
 
crazyheart said:
Rita, I am interested in the family dynamics. The questions are hard to ask and I presume that they are harder to answer.
SoI will understand if you can't or don't.

Have you had surgery?

Do your children still look to you as a father figure?

Did your wife ever consider leaving the marriage?

Is there a sexual component still in your marriage?

I will understand if you don't answer.
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Rita - what's the divorce rate like in marriages where one of the partners is transgendered?
 
Like others, I appreciate so much your willingness to be so open, Rita. I guess as you speak about your wife I have a similar question to crazyheart. Where does sexuality and sexual expression fit in? I don't mean to be offensive, but do you, thinking of yourself as a woman and married to a woman, think of yourself also as a lesbian? I know this is back to orientation, but it strikes me as an issue when someone who is married begins to transition.
 
Rita, which of the following is true about you wife? A) She is a lesbian, or B) She doesn't accept you as a woman?
 
I am confused @revsdd. Are you addressing the Sexuality question to me? or to Rita?

Sorry I was misreading. I see that you are saying to Rita that your question is similar to mine.
 
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