Mabel, a devout Baptist, visited her son's very conservative Methodist church. The pastor hadn't seen any visitors lately. So he singled Mabel out and
asked her, "If you don't mind me asking, what's your denomination." She replied, "I'm a Baptist." "And why are you a Baptist?" "Because Mom and Dad were Baptists and Gramma and Granpa were Baptists. So I'm a Baptist too." Now the pastor thought he'd have some fun with Mabel. So he replied with a
smirk, "That's ridiculous! Suppose I said, "Momma was a moron and Dad was a moron and Gramma and Grampa were both morons. What would that make me?" Mabel replied dryly, "I guess that would make you a Methodist!"
(The Funniest Incidents that Actually Happened in my Church:
(1) Two Sermon Bloopers:
(a) When I was about 14, our pastor was preaching on Jesus' baptism by John. Now he never told jokes and never evidenced a sense of
humor. So I was totally gob-smacked when he suddenly said, "And so, Jordan baptized Jesus in the John" and then continued, oblivious to what he'd just said. What was even funnier was the fact that the congregation just sat there, stone-faced, not realizing what he had just said. I quietly giggled and won
wondered, "Is anyone listening?"
(b) Several months later, he was preaching on David, when he sudden declared, "Then David fled to the gates of the sanctuary and there
he stood. breathless and pantless!" Again, unaware of what he'd just said, he moved on. Again, the congregation sat stone-faced. But
this time, after a couple of minutes, a man near the front turned around with a wicked grin on his face; and I realized that at least one guy was
listening carefully to what was said.
(2) Animals in Church:
(a) There was no air-conditioning in the first UMC church I pastored and it was a hot August Sunday. So we turned on a huge fan at the entrance and left the outside door open. Well, in walked a black cat to see what was happening. He got the end of his tail caught in the fan and leapt down the aisle with a loud meow. That woke everyone up!
(b) A few months later, before the service we noticed a large bat asleep high up the wall out of reach for any broom. So we decided to leave it alone. But as I was preaching, the bat woke up and started dive bombing the women in the front row. Never did I ever have a more alert audience!
(c) Rose and Dorla regularly requested prayer for a healing touch at the altar after church. Rose had a cute medical dog, Toedo, who used to watch me like a hawk when I used to lay hands on Rose in prayer during my visits to her apartment. That would usually stop Rose from crying from the pain of her ailment. Once when she continued weeping, Toedo barked at me furiously for not doing my healing work! Well, one Sunday after church I was
laying hands on Dorla after church, when Rose approached in her wheelchair with Toedo riding on top. When Toedo saw me praying for Dorla, she started barking furiously in disapproval. That was striking because it was only the 2nd rime Toedo had ever barked at me! I explained to Dorla that Toedo had no concept of wait your turn and she smiled and waited. When I then prayed for Rose first, Toedo wimpered her approval.
(d) When Rose came forward for Communion in her wheelchair with Toedo riding on top, Toedo looked at me expectantly after I served Rose and wimpered here disapproval at not being fed! It was then that I realized that the Communion wafers looked like the doggie treats I served Toedo when I visited Rose in her apartment. I thought, "Next time I'll have a little tray of doggie treats at Communion for Toedo. But then Jesus' saying flashed
through my mind, "Give not what is holy to the dogs." I protested, "Yes, God, but I don't think Jesus had little dogs like Toedo in mind when He said
that!" I then realized the God must have a sense of humor.