Can a Good Friend become a Boyfriend????

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Alex

Alex

Teddy Bear lookin for lovin and hugin
SO I have known the guy causally for 10 plus years. When we first met he was interested in a relationship, but he wanted to move to fast for me. (i like to take a lot more time than most people) Anyways we started talking again 3 years ago. At first it was once every two weeks, or so, and now it is almost everyday. He tells me everything. I have told him that I adore him, and in the past he was just moving too fast. He is not interested he says, although there are the calls, and when I tell I have meet someone, he tells me why they would be no good for me, and he gets quiet. Both of us have a ASD, his is Aspergers, and mine is PDD NOS, and so our communication skills and relationship skills are somewhat challenged.

Normally I would say that the possibility of a relationship is zero, but he has not dated anyone else since the calls started. I have a theory that he is attracted to me, but since he was abused as a chid in foster care, and prior to meeting me he dated "bad boys" who for one reason or other unable to committed and would end up dumping him. Since we started talking regularly he has stop not only dating bad boys, but with my support (basically I just say he is a good person, and that disrespectful behaviour from other is unacceptable), he has started to stand up to abusive family members and friends.


The problem for me, is that since I adore this guy, it is difficult for me to go on and consider others. Normally I should have moved into the platonic mode of a relationship, where we can be friends, but where I would be emotional free to consider seeing someone else, but that has not happened. Part of it is likely due to me believing that there is a small possibility (small as in winning the 6/49 chances) that he reciprocates my feelings, but fails to understand them due to his history or relationships. I try to lift him up and encourage him, while his past relationships lied, cheated or put him down.

So what should I do? Is it possible that he will decided to date me, or is it possible that I will be able to develop platonic feelings towards him, while maintaining our friendship, so that I may go on, and start seeing others???
 
Sure a friend can develop into a love relationship. I was friends with my now hubby for years before we dated. He dated several of my friends before me. Married 33 years .

I guess it depends on how patient you want to be.

You say you have some communication issues. So rather than discuss things endlessly, why don't you act


Invite him on a date. Quiet dinner at a local place or at your place. Get him flowers or something to mark it as different.

Start planning dates for you both.

If he isn't interested then you can to continue to be his friend while seeing other people. But while you are trying to win him, no other dates I don't think. Give a time limit to yourself. A month of "courting " him or move on........
 
Lastpointe said:
Sure a friend can develop into a love relationship.
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I agree. I've seen it happen in the love relationships of several of my siblings. My oldest sister and her husband were friends at university before they started dating. My brother and his wife were just as friends at first - as she was dating his best friend. My youngest sister and her husband played volleyball together as friends until something more developed.
 
Same with Chemguy CH. I think it can just go both ways. A boyfriend/girlfriend can become a best friend and a best friend can become a boyfriend/girlfriend
 
While my hubby is my BF now, I wouldn't say we were good friends before we started dating. I knew him for a long time, and we worked in the same office for a few years before.

I don't think for me a good friend relationship would likely turn into a romantic relationship, but I believe it can happen for others.
 
Alex said:
So what should I do?
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Respect that he is not interested. Those are his words right?

Alex said:
Is it possible that he will decided to date me,
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It isn't impossible. Although so long as he is not interested it seems most improbable.

Alex said:
is it possible that I will be able to develop platonic feelings towards him, while maintaining our friendship, so that I may go on, and start seeing others???
Click to expand...

Yes, this is possible.

It won't be easy.

Once I have fallen in love with someone I find it difficult, if not impossible to fall out of love with them. Which always made it difficult when they decided that I wasn't the one.

Saturday past I was able to spend a lot of time with a woman I dated prior to connecting with my wife, falling in love with her and everything that came with that. I realized that I was still very much in love with this old flame who is now but a friend. There is nothing romantic about our relationship nor is it likely that romance would ever thrust us together again (unless one of her sons and one of my daughters meet and find themselves attracted--that would be wild).

At any rate I care for her, her happiness and her well-being. She loves her husband and kids and I, because I love her, gladly open the circle wide for them. She reciprocates. My wife and children have brought joy into my life and she is grateful to them because of that.

Does she ever wonder what if? I don't ever want to know.

Do I? I'd never tell.

How long did it take to get to this point after that moment of incredible heart-break?

It took a while. A long while of absolutely no contact.

Is that what you should do?

I would not have willing chose that route. The call to ministry lead me to Vancouver and then to Newfoundland before I came back home to southern, Ontario and our circles began to intersect again. And while ministry and other life happened it allowed us to reset to some degree step back into a relationship that is healthy.
 
This is a toughie - I agree with John that if he's explicitly said he's not interested, that has to be respected above all things. I also see where an increased level of being in touch and his response to your seeing other people could send mixed messages, especially if communication isn't either of your forte. I would usually say to just take it easy and see what happens, but in this situation I would say clarity is probably important. Which I would probably approach one of two ways - either accept that 'I'm not interested' IS his answer and do what's best for you to move on - which might involve taking some space from him if you find the friendship confusing - or you could do what Lastpointe suggested and communicate with actions instead of words; if that works, great. If not, same decision to make as the first option.
 
If you aren't sure of his feelings, and whether he is interested, the only way you will find out is to ask him. I think I would want to know for sure rather than relying on my guessing.
 
Talk to him. The key to everything is open communication. Tell him how you feel and what you're thinking and let him do the same.
 
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