Advantage/Disadvantages of being single or coupled

[Carolla]

So Bette - have you now got an extra key hidden outside somewhere?

Must be hard DJ re settling Matthew elsewhere when he has been such a huge focus for you - as our kids naturally are, but with Matthew it is so different for sure. Glad to hear your mate is so understanding - I guess that's how the two of you have hung in there through all that life's journey has sent your way so far. Bodes well for the future ... painful as it is. Hugs.

 

[Luce NDs]

I like this thread.

Yesterday the decision was made to place Matthew in a group home by fall. Rationally I know we need to do this. Emotionally I am a wreck.

My husband has been a font of wisdom and emotional support.

Sometimes life royally sucks and it is nice to be with someone who understands how much it sucks - in fact has lived through the "suckiness" with you. And reminds you that there is hope that someday it won't suck.

Always recall that life sucks for 85 - 99% of the world and a small portion sucks up those resources and wishes more ... then you ca feel normal in the vacuous bunch and rage unceremoniously .. as the higher ups will believe you to be crazy for not looking at life they way they do ... wishing to control the hole thing ... the parts that's missing? Small wisdom!

 

[DaisyJane]

Luce.

Great point. I know I often try to remind myself of that. That most of us have painful stories and are carrying "stuff", mine just happens to be more visible than others.

So getting back to the couple piece, I am glad that I have not always had to carry that baggage alone.

 

[Seeler]

Daisy - it is indeed fortunate when couples are able to support each other through difficult times. I've heard that often having a child with special needs is so stressful, and puts so much strain on the parents, that the marriage suffers. (Other factors can cause stress too - I am quite sure that my daughter's cancer and her husband's depression were major factors in their separation).

Deciding to find placement for a special needs child must be a difficult decision that you and your husband are facing together. But sooner or later it is a decision that would have to be made by all parents in this situation - the time will come when the parents are no longer able to provide the care, or they will predecease the child.

My neighbours had a boy - unlike Matthew he was physically fit but at an intellectual level of a preschool child. As the parents reached retirement they realized that some day Dale would have to be placed elsewhere, so they found a special needs home. Within a few months they realized that he while he appeared to be adjusting he wasn't happy there. So they brought him back home. When the father died suddenly of a stroke the mother realized that she would have to try again. Different home / different rules. Dale liked rules and routines. He was happpy. The mother has since died, but I occasionally see Dale. He looks happy and well cared for.

 

[Luce NDs]

Daisy - it is indeed fortunate when couples are able to support each other through difficult times. I've heard that often having a child with special needs is so stressful, and puts so much strain on the parents, that the marriage suffers. (Other factors can cause stress too - I am quite sure that my daughter's cancer and her husband's depression were major factors in their separation).

Deciding to find placement for a special needs child must be a difficult decision that you and your husband are facing together. But sooner or later it is a decision that would have to be made by all parents in this situation - the time will come when the parents are no longer able to provide the care, or they will predecease the child.

My neighbours had a boy - unlike Matthew he was physically fit but at an intellectual level of a preschool child. As the parents reached retirement they realized that some day Dale would have to be placed elsewhere, so they found a special needs home. Within a few months they realized that he while he appeared to be adjusting he wasn't happy there. So they brought him back home. When the father died suddenly of a stroke the mother realized that she would have to try again. Different home / different rules. Dale liked rules and routines. He was happpy. The mother has since died, but I occasionally see Dale. He looks happy and well cared for.

One never knows ... I was told I was going to hell (possibly because of churchy rules about single parenting) and I went on to learn different, contrary to the minister there that told me learning was evil ... sort of like pornography when you observe the rye truth ... a dark prince as Machiavelli who presented a bare situation to the general public about how monarchists operate?

Is there a mean? The powers discourage means and mediums in preference of "for" or "against" ... thus Eris in the word "dissonance" some people have lost the Eris in ---James Holton!

What happens when the middle class fails outright; will anybody know anything? I find it a central concern of Ann's ... "an" being a root word of concern that goes about ... as proposed enneagram ... tis troubling to the misunderstandings ...

 

[Luce NDs]

Some believe life is heaven and can't see alternate observations being contrary ... thus real chaos compared to virtue stuff ...

 

[revjohn]

Yesterday the decision was made to place Matthew in a group home by fall. Rationally I know we need to do this. Emotionally I am a wreck.

Long before WonderCafe.ca came into being, when the only online support I had was the United Online community my family and I lived in NL (Botwood, NL) at the time and Robert was in full crisis. The next to non-existent support from the Medical and Educational communities placed a great deal of stress on our very young family and our options were very limited.

Actual suggestions given to us by Family Services included:

I divorce Kimberly immediately making her eligible for more support as a singly parent. Money was not our primary problem. Robert's early manifestation of a Bi-Polar disorder which every, and I mean every, Psych in the Province refused to admit was a possibility was.

That was not received with a great deal of enthusiasm.

Option Two. Put both Grace and Hannah into the Foster system since they would be easy to place so that Kimberly and I could focus our energies entirely on Robert. Because clearly the way to solve Robert as a problem means creating further hardship for his sisters.

That was also not received with a great deal of enthusiasm. In fact there was a great deal of hostility directed towards the social worker for even considering that as an option.

In all fairness. When you have no resources and live nowhere near a perfect world your choices are often between a rock and a hard place.

Option three was to surrender care of Robert to the Province. This was the one the Province cared least for and of all the options this was the only one that they actually tried to discourage us from taking.

It was, in the end the only option we had that offered the family the respite it so desperately required. We made sure all involved knew this was only temporary and that we were beginning to get the ball rolling in getting the hell out of NL to someplace where the inadequate support would be better than anything NL could hope to offer.

That would take time.

It also took time for the Province to put into a place a suitable care plan for Robert.

While Robert was in the care of the Province of NL he managed to trick both of the on-duty 24 hr care attendents into leaving the cottage they were renting and lock them out. He then proceeded to consume all of the meds of every prescription he was on at the time. Let me tell you that was a very tense phone call when we were informed. Robert was relocated to another location, closer to hospital in the most probable chance that would be a scenario which repeated itself. Robert also escaped from the two person 24 hr care a second time and survived a blind run onto the TCH by the blink of an eye. That was also a tense conversation and afterwards Kimberly and I were faced with knowing if we did not get him someplace actually safe there was a strong possibility he would not live.

And we had to do all of that on our own. The care provided by the Province had nearly gotten our son killed twice.

Now Robert has been properly diagnosed and is appropriately medicated and in what I think is a tremendous grace to him, has no memory of the scariest moments those two years in Botwood gave to our family. Memories which Kimberly and I do not dwell on but will carry to our graves. Every now and then one of us has a nightmare and we are back in that time and in that place. They are rarer as the years between grow wider.

I have no idea how I could have handled that alone.

So I grieve for the loss that this feels like. No parent should ever be forced to make this decision. I am glad that you have support from someone who walks the same road with a slightly different set of eyes.

I have had an opportunity to meet your family briefly, I have watched and listened to you tell of your walk. I am impressed with your ferocity and determination it encompasses, what I believe, is a deep abiding truth of motherhood. I know it can seem heavy. I have to say you wear it gracefully.

If I was in the habit of wearing hats I would certainly tip mine to you.

You are amazing.

 

[crazyheart]

I agree,John .And I also tip my hat (if I wore one) to all parents who

are working through all kinds of different problems. Everyone's journey is different

but everyone's journey is valid.

 

[DaisyJane]

Long before WonderCafe.ca came into being, when the only online support I had was the United Online community my family and I lived in NL (Botwood, NL) at the time and Robert was in full crisis. The next to non-existent support from the Medical and Educational communities placed a great deal of stress on our very young family and our options were very limited.

Actual suggestions given to us by Family Services included:

I divorce Kimberly immediately making her eligible for more support as a singly parent. Money was not our primary problem. Robert's early manifestation of a Bi-Polar disorder which every, and I mean every, Psych in the Province refused to admit was a possibility was.

That was not received with a great deal of enthusiasm.

Option Two. Put both Grace and Hannah into the Foster system since they would be easy to place so that Kimberly and I could focus our energies entirely on Robert. Because clearly the way to solve Robert as a problem means creating further hardship for his sisters.

That was also not received with a great deal of enthusiasm. In fact there was a great deal of hostility directed towards the social worker for even considering that as an option.

In all fairness. When you have no resources and live nowhere near a perfect world your choices are often between a rock and a hard place.

Option three was to surrender care of Robert to the Province. This was the one the Province cared least for and of all the options this was the only one that they actually tried to discourage us from taking.

It was, in the end the only option we had that offered the family the respite it so desperately required. We made sure all involved knew this was only temporary and that we were beginning to get the ball rolling in getting the hell out of NL to someplace where the inadequate support would be better than anything NL could hope to offer.

That would take time.

It also took time for the Province to put into a place a suitable care plan for Robert.

While Robert was in the care of the Province of NL he managed to trick both of the on-duty 24 hr care attendents into leaving the cottage they were renting and lock them out. He then proceeded to consume all of the meds of every prescription he was on at the time. Let me tell you that was a very tense phone call when we were informed. Robert was relocated to another location, closer to hospital in the most probable chance that would be a scenario which repeated itself. Robert also escaped from the two person 24 hr care a second time and survived a blind run onto the TCH by the blink of an eye. That was also a tense conversation and afterwards Kimberly and I were faced with knowing if we did not get him someplace actually safe there was a strong possibility he would not live.

And we had to do all of that on our own. The care provided by the Province had nearly gotten our son killed twice.

Now Robert has been properly diagnosed and is appropriately medicated and in what I think is a tremendous grace to him, has no memory of the scariest moments those two years in Botwood gave to our family. Memories which Kimberly and I do not dwell on but will carry to our graves. Every now and then one of us has a nightmare and we are back in that time and in that place. They are rarer as the years between grow wider.

I have no idea how I could have handled that alone.

So I grieve for the loss that this feels like. No parent should ever be forced to make this decision. I am glad that you have support from someone who walks the same road with a slightly different set of eyes.

I have had an opportunity to meet your family briefly, I have watched and listened to you tell of your walk. I am impressed with your ferocity and determination it encompasses, what I believe, is a deep abiding truth of motherhood. I know it can seem heavy. I have to say you wear it gracefully.

If I was in the habit of wearing hats I would certainly tip mine to you.

You are amazing.

RevJohn. Thank you for your words. I find myself at a loss in terms of how to respond to your story. Thanks for sharing. I am sorry you lived through that, and I am relieved that your son is doing better. Many years ago, very early in WC, you wrote a post responding to my struggles with theodicies. I don't remember what you said other than the general gist. But I will share that it was one of the most pastoral responses I had ever received. It helped. A lot. I remember the peace that emerged after your words.

Right now the ambivalence about the move is strong. I am relieved that I will not be bearing the full load of his care. If truth be told, some days I am very tired of walking this road and I am ready for a break. At times it feels very lonely even though I have a partner who has walked it with me. I am relieved we have made a decision. And I am terrified that I/we have made the wrong one and it will end in catastrophe. Matthew is VERY complex, what if others do not understand that complexity like it do?

Thanks for suggesting I wear this gracefully. Many days the imposter syndrome is strong, and I feel that I am anything but graceful or gracious, though I try. I am aware that the only way I cope is to keep a powder keg of pain and anger locked up inside me. I worry there is a day it might be ignited. It won't be pretty.

 

[revjohn]

I find myself at a loss in terms of how to respond to your story.

Celebrate with us. We were pushed to the edge and did not topple over. We lived in fear and experienced a happier ending than we believed would be possible. We got roughed up. We bear scars on our bodies and psyches. But every cut is a proof that we not only lived. We have survived.

Nobody needs to live the nightmare with us or for us. It is over and we are all okay with that.

It helped. A lot. I remember the peace that emerged after your words.

Thank you for sharing that.

Right now the ambivalence about the move is strong. I am relieved that I will not be bearing the full load of his care. If truth be told, some days I am very tired of walking this road and I am ready for a break. At times it feels very lonely even though I have a partner who has walked it with me. I am relieved we have made a decision. And I am terrified that I/we have made the wrong one and it will end in catastrophe. Matthew is VERY complex, what if others do not understand that complexity like it do?

I can empathize. Parent caregivers second guess almost every single decision they make and of all the critics parent caregivers have to deal with there are none who push buttons with uncanny precision like ourselves. It is very hard to be gracious and merciful to ourselves especially if we have had to fight like hell for our kids.

You have shared some of that battle. I'm not surprised it is hard to let go of some portion of it. The fight becomes so entangled with our own identity it feels wrong to just let go. Here is the thing though. It isn't who you are, it is what you have endured. It will shape you but it does not become you. You are who you were before but transformed.

And not for the worse.

The motto of Redeemer College where I did my undergrad has been changed. When I graduated it was "Learning is for Serving" Everything we endured taught us something. and everything we have been taught we did as any good student would. We challenged and critiqued, we wrestled with it and made it prove what was true and what was not. Now we are ready to pass that wisdom on to others. We can teach, mentor, advise and be present for.in ways others couldn't.

You likewise. You have the opportunity to transform everything you and your family have been through, to force it into some redemptive mold out of which those who follow in your wake have an advantage you did not. They in turn will share that wisdom with others. You fought a good fight and you can share with others what it takes to win one.

You're aces!

Thanks for suggesting I wear this gracefully. Many days the imposter syndrome is strong, and I feel that I am anything but graceful or gracious, though I try. I am aware that the only way I cope is to keep a powder keg of pain and anger locked up inside me. I worry there is a day it might be ignited. It won't be pretty.

You are many things. An imposter is not one of them. You are the real deal.

I understand the feeling, I think many parents feel it though few will have the feelings magnified to the same degree you have. That's okay.

I also get the bottling up thing. I concur, that is potentially problematic. You see that which leads me to conclude you are in no danger at present and time can allow that pressure to dissipate. You are about to experience a new normal and past experience probably makes you a bit wary. Take some time to breathe. Give yourself some room to be human, fallible, frail. And take small steps until you feel that you need to fly and push yourself to run. Then go for it and don't let fools get in your way.

Life is brief, a flower that withers and fades in the course of a day.

Now is your moment wring every drop of life from it that you can.

And should you slip up, should somebody end up wearing all the anger you have been pushing down almost forever. Repent of that, let them forgive you and then just let it go. It won't be the end of your world or theirs.

 

[Waterfall]

My goodness, Daisy Jane, you have contributed to starting and participating in quite a few threads these last few days. Welcome back and thank you so much for your contribution. I am a grateful recipient of the knowledge you're sharing and hope to hear much more from you.

 

[Naman]

I am here mostly not commenting. But I certainly appreciate this thread and the insight it is giving me.

 

[Luce NDs]

She has many degrees of category to discuss ... they they are imperative to vent ... numinously! Approximating nebula or nigh Bull-a ... the first power ... some Taurus may be a pay 'n forward ... Baum Eire to the brae in ...