Living with adult children

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Mrs.Anteater

Mrs.Anteater

Just keep going....
Junior anteater has been working full time for $11.20/hr since June now. Next week, he is finally starting his apprenticeship (then they will have to pay him half of a journeyman's wage- which will be more).
His girl friend has moved in as well, they are living in his room (which is not very big for two people). She started college in September and works at Burger King.
I am enjoying still having them around, plus their friends. I have been charging Junior $350/ month, but deducted money for when he was doing stuff for me, like lawn mowing, so ended up getting around $250.
I have also been supplying lunches and supper, unless they got their own. They don't have great habits- they leave without breakfast and buy lunch or go hungry. It's more economical to cook for three than for one. However, I serously have to pay down the mortgage and make extra payments. And they need to learn to look after themselves and do some planning. They still need reminders to do the dishes and clean up after themselves.
I feel, getting $400/month and not pay for groceries for them would be awesome- but I hate seeing them living on fast food- or how do you organize eating properly with everyone having different work schedules? I also hate to cook and it not be eaten. We have very limited space,so I could clear out a cupboard for them to keep their own food,but I don't know if it would make sense to get a mini fridge, so they can have their own food go bad in their fridge. We live on one level, 1100 squarefeet. Any suggestions?
 
Install a movable wall in their room squeeze them out like mother bear does ... when they re arrive in live they'll be surprised what Mother Bare has learned ... there's much moor to this myth than appears ... incarnate wisdom of isolationism?
 
It sounds like you are doing a big service to them to assist while they get started. I guess the girlfriend doesnt have near by parents? Who could share in the burden?

School and part time job will fill her time, it is going to become messier as she will need to work, kitchen table comes to mind

I would out up a family calendar, on line or visual and have everyone put schedule on it. That way you know who is home for dinner. Not knowing plans adds to stress

I would cook dinner and leave left overs. I would stock up staple items, juice, milk,coffee, eggs, bread, pb , bananas. And they can provide their own extras.
If you make lunch for yourself i would ask if they want lunch too.

Because right now, you are trying to help them get on their feet. It doesnt sound like they could do it without you and it is a real gift to them.

And perhaps as the schedules gel through the year everyone can take a cooking night for dinner
 
Mrs.Anteater said:
I feel, getting $400/month and not pay for groceries for them would be awesome- but I hate seeing them living on fast food- or how do you organize eating properly with everyone having different work schedules?
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Even in early teen years we had different schedules. Everyone doesn't need to eat at the same time to have the same meal. Divvy things up into single portions in containers they can bring with them.

Is the girlfriend not paying anything? I would charge more for both of them living there than just your son.
 
Girl friend is not paying anything. She doesn't have an extra room. I do think about charging $400- as my water and power bill have gone up.
I like the idea of basic staples in the house. Though, because they tend to eat out, anything in the fridge as leftover can go bad easily.
 
I don't think your son's girlfriend should be living in your home free. Only way I can see that as fair is if she does all the house/yard work (to your standards). It also seems to me that your son isn't paying enough to cover his share of the expenses. Maybe $400 a month would be more reasonable - PLUS any heavier chores you want him to do.

When I had 'living at home' young adults I was very firm about what I was charging, and what it covered. Breakfast was available, they could make their own lunch with what was available. I was cooking anyway so the deal included - tell me before you leave if you want an evening meal today (I served at 5.30 pm but would keep a serving if I knew they were eating at home). Forget to tell me and there will not be food prepared for you. Preparing their own food was fine provided they checked with me first. I had one who would cheerfully make himself two big steaks but be too lazy to also do potatoes/rice/veggies. That was a No-No. The kitchen was to be cleaned when they had finished eating. Items abandoned in the fridge would be thrown out once they were too old to use.

I was willing to do their laundry if it was in the hamper in the laundry room. If not - it was their problem - but I supplied the machines and soap. If they wanted a different brand it was their responsibility to buy it. . If they wanted foods that I didn't regularly serve and/or didn't like they were to buy it themselves. I kept shampoo/conditioner in the bathroom, but if they wanted a different brand they must buy their own.

I tried not to criticise the way they spent their own money - but had no sympathy if they ran out. I viewed it as a continuation of parenting - babies get maid service - bigger kids help out - adult kids practise acting like responsible adults. The alternative to living in your house would be much more challenging!
 
If they're both living with you, they should both be paying some kind of rent. It's only fair. Helping out with cooking and other chores too.
 
Mrsanteater you are being very patient with your son and his partner - but you also owe it to yourself to look after your own interests (like paying down the mortgage), and you owe it to your son to teach him that there is 'no free ride'.

I think $400 for two is more than generous. I would suggest $500 for their room and house privileges. They would be getting a bargain. I don't know what the going rate in your area is. Some time ago I rented out two rooms with kitchen privileges to university students - $250.00 per person. (I never had a couple. I think it would be more now.
I would expect them to do a reasonable share of the chores - perhaps son do yard work and maintenance, everybody clean-up after themselves. Do their own laundry.

I would check with them about meals - how often and when will they be eating at home. Do they want you to prepare dinner? Every day or just Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday or whatever? Charge them accordingly - maybe a percentage of your grocery bill, or an extra $100 per month, or whatever?

Maybe this is a time for a family meeting to work this out. Also house rules, etc. Young people are often surprised when they start living on their own - rent isn't the only expense. Also cable, telephone, water and sewerage, heat, lights, water. A little reality check while they are still living at home may help out.
 
Mrs.Anteater said:
Any suggestions?
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My wife and I made routine announcements to our children that once they reached the age of 18 they were adults and could expect to be treated as adults.

We also let it be known that because we loved them we would be willing to cut them a little slack simply because going from child to adult in the time it takes to blow candles out on a cake is a huge adjustment. So . . .

Household budget was discussed. As an adult how do you pay for the roof over your head and the food in your stomach? The answer we directed them to was money or gifts in kind. You want to mow the lawn, clean up after the dogs, make supper do the housecleaning we can work something out. They were, however, expected to find employment.

University is an option because mom works at a University and provided their marks are acceptable for enrollment they will get tuition paid for. There is a catch. Fail a course and the University gets the tuition for that class back. So studies are mandatory and non-negotiable. What kind of study? Whatever it takes to pass.

Eldest daughter was not ready to live in residence and so needed help commuting to and from campus. She either waited util her mom was ready to leave. Convinced her mother to leave earlier or asked me to drive her. She paid for the gas since St. Catharines, ON is not between Brantford and Waterford.

By the time youngest daughter was ready to head off to university they were both eager to share a house with school mates and that worked marginally well. Both found work to pay for the rent. And when the landlord turned out to be less than ideal they did the research in the landlord tenant act to see what their rights and their obligations were.

I was asked to intervene once and that was because yellow-jackets had built a hive somewhere in the house and were flooding the youngest daughter's room via the airduct. The Landlord was reluctant to do anything about it even to the point of suggesting it wasn't really his problem. Having been a Landlord myself I know that isn't true. So I called and asked if I could help him with references to an exterminator or a bee-keeper who would relocate the hive. I also mentioned that if neither were helpful enough I had a lawyer who could make other suggestions.

Within the week the problem was resolved. Neither daughter nor their housemates renewed their leases for the next year.

Our Son, who is on the ASD spectrum and also has a bi-polar disorder is a bit of a different case.

For him we renovated the garage into living space. Because of zoning it could not be separate living space. It is a self-contained unit and he pays rent. We essentially set up a furnished apartment for him and he pays rent (utilities are included). He is on our phone plan and he contributes a pro-rated share of that. He works and is responsible for all of his own expenses (He also gets ODSP assistance). He is able to do his own laundry and cleaning. He has the willingness to do both of any 23 year old male.

He was recently between jobs and we knew that would make things tight for him financially. We helped out as much as we could. He found work rather quickly and is back to being financially independent of us.

We recently convinced him to contribute to RRSP's and he saw wisdom in that. We have also set up a Henson trust for him in our wills.

We have not experienced the joys of having our children boomerang on us. If that happens we have already put into place ground rules and expectations. If they sought to bring along a significant other that would most likely be addressed in the same fashion simply to be equitable.

If you are using household resources you should be contributing to the household in some fashion. We insist that our kids save for their future and we would expect that from any using our household resources. Rent would be discussed even if it were a room and board arrangement.
 
(Oh, and the kid fetching me tea and kleenex is paying about 3/4 market rent, and finishing up her high school diploma at the local Learning Centre.)
 
Congrats to junior anteater for soon beginning an apprenticeship - great news!

We have one adult son living with us about three night/week - the rest of the time he is at girlfriend's. We've done similar to what others have outlined; discuss costs & local rates for room, grocery etc & figure out a fair sum to be paid on time every month. We're all adults - it's reasonable to share expenses.

Personally, I would not deduct from the agreed amount for routine jobs done around the house - to me that's just being part of being family - to do necessary chores, not a paid duty. Unless of course you would be hiring an outside contractor to do the tasks - that would be different.

My husband does all our cooking now as he's retired. He routinely makes extras & we package that up for the next day's lunch. Other bits go into the freezer for other lunches. When our son will not be home for supper, he gives us a call to advise of this - took a while to reinforce this courtesy, but he's pretty good with it now.

We purchase usual groceries - when he wants something special or extra he takes care of that himself. He takes care of all his personal products & other expenses - as he should - he's well paid - makes as much as I do I think - or maybe more!
 
BetteTheRed said:
One huge advantage to having your kids live with you is, if you're sick, you've got someone to fetch and carry kleenex boxes, cups of tea and walk your dogs for you.
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yes, I appreciate that part, though he is quite slow to get any hints. We do take turns with the litterbox.
 
Carolla said:
Congrats to junior anteater for soon beginning an apprenticeship - great news!

We have one adult son living with us about three night/week - the rest of the time he is at girlfriend's. We've done similar to what others have outlined; discuss costs & local rates for room, grocery etc & figure out a fair sum to be paid on time every month. We're all adults - it's reasonable to share expenses.

Personally, I would not deduct from the agreed amount for routine jobs done around the house - to me that's just being part of being family - to do necessary chores, not a paid duty. Unless of course you would be hiring an outside contractor to do the tasks - that would be different.

My husband does all our cooking now as he's retired. He routinely makes extras & we package that up for the next day's lunch. Other bits go into the freezer for other lunches. When our son will not be home for supper, he gives us a call to advise of this - took a while to reinforce this courtesy, but he's pretty good with it now.

We purchase usual groceries - when he wants something special or extra he takes care of that himself. He takes care of all his personal products & other expenses - as he should - he's well paid - makes as much as I do I think - or maybe more!
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I kind of caved in on the chores part- he has had such a fit when I asked him to contribute the first time.
He has also been doing some work on my car and I deducted a mechanics wage for that (more than what he get at work).
I like the idea of a schedule and requesting to be notified- however, they might just decide to eat somewhere else or they don't like what I cook, though mostly, they have been eating when I cook.
 
Thanks for all your suggestions. I will have to find the right time for a "family meeting". End of the month budget review is a good reason. I am glad my son has learned to budget money from me and he recently started a TFSA. I am kind of lenient at times, because my parents had been very generous with me when I was a young adult, I paid only about $50. (30 years ago). I don't think I appreciated it back then.
 
I have a sense some is family patterns. I never paid board. My oldest brothers did when working full time but given back to them when they moved out, having all been saved by my mom.

Interesting conversation
 
Pinga said:
I have a sense some is family patterns. I never paid board. My oldest brothers did when working full time but given back to them when they moved out, having all been saved by my mom.

Interesting conversation
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When my family started living with my mom she only reluctantly agreed to accept rent from us. It has worked out well though for all involved.
 
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