When your heartstrings hurt

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Pinga

Pinga

Room for All
In a conversation regarding attending church, I mentioned that my "heartstrings hurt" when attending the church that has been "my" congregation.

@PilgrimsProgress gave another reason for them hurting than the one I did, and it led me to think about the various places in relationships where heartstrings hurt.

Thought I would start this thread to discuss. I will write more details as a response to the thread opener.
 
I had attended our congregation since returning to church as part of a new couple seeking a place to be wed. We raised our children, worked through the loss of the twins, build relationships, made friends, supported seniors, talked about everything, was engaged in the life and work of the church at multiple levels. It was an active, passionate church that had clever ministers, and laity, We worked hard, my parents joined. We lived life.

But, my friends slowly left and sometimes quickly due to disfunction primarily within one group and leadership challenges. A period of interim gave me hope, but, then I watched and experienced it get worse and worse. I didn't have the energy to do any more. I could feel my blood boil as I sat in the pews listening to anthems and music that was far from the inclusive language we had worked through int he 80''s...and there was no counter-balance. There was so much in the polity and language that was apart from where I was a member of...and I came to relize that it had also lost the heart of caring for those in the pews. Lots of reasons for this stuff, and I no longer had the energy to fight the current. I also knew, that each time I sat int he pews and listened to the service, well, my heartstrings hurt. So, I just didn't go. But, then, I was missing church.

And in that not attending, was the awareness each sunday that I wasn't attending church.

In my head, it was as if by attending another church that I might want to build a relationship with, that I was acknowleding that my relationship with my old church was over.

I wonder if this feeling of "in-between" applies to other relationships, such as those that are separated that consider dating.
 
Pinga,
I find your use of the word "my" congregation interesting..........

Reflecting on my own church hurt heartstrings situation, there is a lot of truth in that I had come to see it as my church, my congregation - and was happy the way things were and didn't welcome the changes and new direction that were brought with the "new" minister.
When I think about it, a congregation and church is a kind of family, and you might well prefer the parent figure you already had. (In my case, I feel like I got the "wicked step-mother"', lol!)

With time, I've come to accept the situation -because I can't change it, and I have many friends still in the congregation.
Also, I accept that a new minister has a right to minister in the way she sees fit. (I admit to feeling rather grudging about this acknowledgement.)

Also, she was kind to me when Mum died - and after me losing my temper and swearing at her when we were in conflict - I appreciate that this may not have been easy for her........
 
Yes, I struggled with the word my as it could have implied ownership. I don't feel ownership rather it is more belonging, where my membership and heart is/was.

In our case, there hasn't been a minister as leader for a number of years. The congregation decided to do it on their own. The leadership that I refer to was the executive I hear the congregation is now going to call.
 
It is not "my" church but mostly theirs and they don't, in the majority, see my minor view ... so I go to church not to direct but to learn what direction I should take ... out of here naturally ... but there are strings attached that could create an immense cover ... fabrication?

At least with appropriate cover we don't know what previously pass't ... that's my story as I'm attached to the crap taught me by a gross number of people going to church to direct individually when it is a collective host that counts!

Yesterday's sermon was on hope, dreams and all such illusionary stuff to emotional people with spirit that don't understand connections they can't see ... possibly dark as the Shadow in the swamp of the greater mind as it rests as a pool? Great place for odd fish ... in schools Moe ah? Doesn't that have a special meaning in the south-western Pacifica?

Also in Celtic lands when Moo-Eire hits yah ... in the realm of knowing minor ... or little as it happens to be ...

Thus the search goes on ... hope and pilgrim age connected by strange strings between heart and head ... Nu antes Sis?

They come on like a fog or cloud in the realm of confidence that you know it all when we know virtually nothing ... which my grandfather said was like love: "IT's Nothing to brag about?" You do notice they are in bad shape due to dissociated confidence and humility levels ... kind 'a like stages of onion growth ... always tiers ... it'll pass and through the shoots it goes ...
 
PilgrimsProgress said:
Pinga,

Also, she was kind to me when Mum died - and after me losing my temper and swearing at her when we were in conflict - I appreciate that this may not have been easy for her........
Click to expand...
Just learned that you lost your mum, Pilgrims. . . I haven't been around the cafe much this summer.
I am sorry for your loss. . . sending virtual hugs your way.
 
Pinga said:
Yes, I struggled with the word my as it could have implied ownership. I don't feel ownership rather it is more belonging, where my membership and heart is/was.

In our case, there hasn't been a minister as leader for a number of years. The congregation decided to do it on their own. The leadership that I refer to was the executive I hear the congregation is now going to call.
Click to expand...

Pinga, I get what you mean about "belonging"......A congregation is a community, but it can become more like a family to you if you feel very connected.
 
PilgrimsProgress said:
Pinga, I get what you mean about "belonging"......A congregation is a community, but it can become more like a family to you if you feel very connected.
Click to expand...

Exactly. That's likely why I remained UCCan as long as I was in my birth city but drifted away fairly quickly once that option was gone (and still went to that church when I was home and had my wedding there). It was the connection to the family church where I knew people and had spent a healthy chunk of my formative years that tied me to it, not belief. I still check their website occasionally (as in maybe once or twice a year) just to see what's going on and who is still around that I know.
 
Mendalla said:
Exactly. That's likely why I remained UCCan as long as I was in my birth city but drifted away fairly quickly once that option was gone (and still went to that church when I was home and had my wedding there). It was the connection to the family church where I knew people and had spent a healthy chunk of my formative years that tied me to it, not belief. I still check their website occasionally (as in maybe once or twice a year) just to see what's going on and who is still around that I know.
Click to expand...
There were two United Churches in Weston where I grew up and they were only a few blocks apart. I was baptised & attended Sunday School/ CGIT in one of them and was married in the other. May seem strange that I was married in the other one but it had been my grandmother's home congregation so I had a tie to it as well.

I have checked the website of my childhood church a few times but I only saw a few names that I recognised. The church where I was married closed a few years ago and it is now a Catholic Retreat Centre. It would be a lovely building for this purpose.
 
PilgrimsProgress said:
Pinga, I get what you mean about "belonging"......A congregation is a community, but it can become more like a family to you if you feel very connected.
Click to expand...
Very true. A congregation can become much like a family. For better or for worse as the saying goes. My heartstrings were certainly hurt by one of the congregations where I was involved in my adult years.

I have talked quite a bit on WC and WC2 about leaving that congregation and how it affected me. Many have compared the pain of leaving a congregation to that of a divorce and I can believe it, although I have never personally experienced a divorce.
 
Re the sense of church being like a family. I now attend both churches on a regular basis - but there is a difference with the first church.

The minister that I had the conflict with has, rather like Gretta Vosper, a huge congregational following. (Most who weren't happy have since moved on -but she is attracting new members).
Those closest to her have become somewhat distant with me, whilst others are happy to interact with me, much the same as they always did.

I guess that's just the price you pay for conflicting with a popular minister!.........
 
I like the expression about hurting heartstrings. When I was agonizing over the changes I was feeling at my old church it was definitely a case of hurting heartstrings. I remember leaving the service at one point and heading to a little quiet place outside to cry, and cry, and cry. I don't cry much usually. But whatever was going on inside of me needed that as an outlet. I was all cried out by the time I made it back to church, but by then my decision had been made. I couldn't keep attending a place that made me hurt so much. The hurts were unintentional, but I was powerless to change it. I hated 'running away', but self-preservation necessitated it.
 
Stopped to chat to Janet in a store today. In my mind she is a youngster, having been a babysitter to my kids many moons ago. She shared a story that ripped at her heartstrings. It wasn't really a quick ripping - more of an unravelling, I think.

She grew up as a 'church kid' - regular attendance with the whole family, CGIT, a willing helper at events, eventually a Sunday School teacher. Her kids started out much the same - but church was different for them. Fewer people, less variety and energy to interact with the younger ones - no special things going on with so few youngsters - you know this type of story, I think. They like many other youngsters across the land dropped out.

Janet still attended until her mother died. There was little sign of caring from the congregation and she decided to take some time out. A letter arrived in the mail about a year and a half later, reminding her that it was the one year anniversary of her mother's death. "A bit late" she thought, and wiped a tear or two. The next paragraph asked for her to join a planned giving campaign to ease the money flow at the church. I suspect the words she used weren't pretty - but it is a few years later now - and telling her story managed to put tears in her eyes. "I didn't think they'd just drop me, forget about me. The only want my money for crying out loud".

She missed church even though she really didn't have any real friends in the congregation. Several times she wondered about just showing up again. Then, one day while doing some business downtown she saw a member of the congregation. "Janet" she called "This is the new minister. Rev So and So this is Janet - one of our lost sheep". Janet said "Pleased to meet you" to the minister and added "I'm not lost and I'm not a sheep".
 
KayTheCurler said:
Stopped to chat to Janet in a store today. In my mind she is a youngster, having been a babysitter to my kids many moons ago. She shared a story that ripped at her heartstrings. It wasn't really a quick ripping - more of an unravelling, I think.

She grew up as a 'church kid' - regular attendance with the whole family, CGIT, a willing helper at events, eventually a Sunday School teacher. Her kids started out much the same - but church was different for them. Fewer people, less variety and energy to interact with the younger ones - no special things going on with so few youngsters - you know this type of story, I think. They like many other youngsters across the land dropped out.

Janet still attended until her mother died. There was little sign of caring from the congregation and she decided to take some time out. A letter arrived in the mail about a year and a half later, reminding her that it was the one year anniversary of her mother's death. "A bit late" she thought, and wiped a tear or two. The next paragraph asked for her to join a planned giving campaign to ease the money flow at the church. I suspect the words she used weren't pretty - but it is a few years later now - and telling her story managed to put tears in her eyes. "I didn't think they'd just drop me, forget about me. The only want my money for crying out loud".

She missed church even though she really didn't have any real friends in the congregation. Several times she wondered about just showing up again. Then, one day while doing some business downtown she saw a member of the congregation. "Janet" she called "This is the new minister. Rev So and So this is Janet - one of our lost sheep". Janet said "Pleased to meet you" to the minister and added "I'm not lost and I'm not a sheep".
Click to expand...
It's too bad because Janet is probably the one that did the reaching out in her church and even though it's a thankless job she was probably needed.
 
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