When doing the right thing is hard

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Rowan

Rowan

Active Member
I'm having one of those weeks when I almost wish I weren't the kind of person who does the right thing pretty much regardless of the personal cost. To make a long story short I turned someone in at work for doing something appallingly inappropriate and unprofessional, that person figured out that it was me that turned them in (which wasn't too much of a leap, there were a limited number of witnesses) and I am pretty sure the price tag is a lost friendship. Plus a cold shoulder from everyone that person told about the situation. The thing that makes me the most crazy is that the person is focused on how "wrong" I supposedly was for going to my manager rather than on how / why the person's own behavior was not appropriate.
 
Tough situation to be in Rowan. Not surprising the other person is focused on putting you down about it - I think that's often the stance in such situations. That old saying comes to mind - "to thine own self be true". If you hadn't acted, I image you'd also be distressed, and the 'friendship' would no doubt have suffered by your knowing of the poor behaviour. Hang in there ... it will likely blow over.
 
I once reported a neighbour for child neglect. The situation was corrected. We later became friends. I don't think she ever suspected that it was me.
I am sorry you are in such a tough situation. It is sometimes difficult to do the right thing. Hold you head up.
 
Carolla said what I was going to say, Rowan. I would rather lose a friendship and know what I did was right than keep a friend and lose myself.
 
I am hoping that this will blow over, but that will take time and right now it's hard being basically shunned by my co workers... I did what I did knowing full well that there would likely be personal consequences. I suppose the acid test is 'would I do it again knowing what people's reaction would be' and the answer is yes. People who expect me to let work-inappropriate behavior slide on the basis of "you wouldn't turn if me if you were really my friend" may not be the type of people I want as friends in any case.

I've been proving that my morals don't operate on a sliding scale pretty much since the day I turned in 3/4 of my class for stealing an exam key in grade school. So I suppose I can comfort myself with the knowledge that I have a long history of doing the right thing even when I know it means sticking my head in the metaphorical wasp nest.
 
The person in question actually had what I consider to be the unmitigated gall to tall me that doing 'the hard, honest thing' isn't always right.
 
A schoolyard question I heard one teacher use when her students were 'tattling' on one another was? Is this information helpful or harmful? Who will it help? Who will it hurt?
A child overhears another saying that the teacher is mean, ugly, stupid. Will telling the teacher make him feel good, or sad? Will it help the teacher? Will it help the child?
Another child sees a friend playing with matches in the bushes behind the shed. Will telling help or hurt?
When to tell; when not to tell? It gets a bit more complicated in adult situations, but the principle is the same.
If someone was playing with matches, you did the right thing to tell. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
 
Tough one Rowan, and I wish you didn't have unpleasant results from doing what you believed to be right. FWIW I think acting as an ethical adult is often very difficult. The reactions of your co workers reveal more about them than about you. I wonder whether it would have been more useful to talk to the person rather than the manager. Frankly - I doubt it - there is quite a strong thread of "I can do anything I feel like doing without negative consequences' in this world! (Thinking of the people I know who cheat on their income tax, who gloat when the person at the till accidently hands them too much change, who cold shoulder the family of someone who has been found guilty of a crime or is dealing with terminal illness etc.)
 
These moments can be very difficult.

Would it not be possible to approach the person who conducted the behavior, approach them with what you have perceived and through communication, help heal your Brother?

Did the choice of your Brother bring harm to someone (including themselves)? Or did it just "rub" you wrong?

I have found that 90 times out of ten, what another person does affects me only because of what I believe. My response to them and their actions is born from a choice, to assist in healing my Brother or to defend my beliefs about them.

One is from a higher source, the other from Ego.

AUM
 
I really hope people at work get tired of the effort involved in deliberately avoiding/ignoring me soon.

Having had a few days to work through my own emotions I've mostly settled into tired: tired of feeling like I am living in Jr High while at work ( I wasn't exactly fond of that whole dynamic when I was in Jr High, much less in a supposedly professional work environment), tired of being accused of being petty, tired of people telling me they no longer trust me.

It didn't take me long to realize that my initial urge to feel angry was pretty much a way to deny a whole pile of other emotional reactions: disappointment, sadness, irritation, frustration, self doubt, a rather petty urge to hurt the person in question... Anger is ever so much easier for me that all of that, always has been.

I can honestly say, after sitting down and working back through the reasons that I did what I did, that it was not my intention to hurt anyone on a personal level, and that I felt it would cause more harm to let the situation continue to deteriorate than it would do it haul everything into the light. I did consider going to the person directly but did not think then and do not think now, that it would have had the effect of curbing the behavior.

The biggest thing that I have had to remind myself of is that I am only in control of my own emotions and actions. I can't control how the other person acts or reacts, I am not in control of of what that person chooses to tell our co-workers or of how my co-workers choose to treat me. But I can damn well choose to stay true to myself and decide how I will behave in all of this mess.
 
Well, as predicted, thing have mostly gone back to normal to work. Things are still a bit strained between me and the person I turned in, but the person is talking to me again and is no longer actively avoiding me. Once that person started acting more-or-less normally toward me pretty much everyone else who had been treating me poorly left off.
 
Good news Rowan ... glad to hear things have resumed some sense of normalcy for you.
 
Rowan, i can relate. Most times I try to work things through directly, escalation occurring if there is personal safety, mandatory reporting or lack of corrective action .

Most times I am good and things resolve


I can think of a few situations where it didn't ; however, I am known and respected as an honest and ethical employee known for taking the right road even when it isn't fun or in my best interest


This has resulted in me getting interesting and challenging assignments.

Do what you feel is right, listen to ethical peers, develop good mentors

Ultimately be happy in your own skin
 
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