What do you do when you are the target of someone's anger?
Work my way through the bewilderment and listen to what it is that I have done that makes such anger a reasonable response. Examine my words, thoughts and deeds that are lifted up as the genesis for the anger and consider what is valid and what is not. Sometimes I am just the last straw so I will not take responsibility for the whole load. Once I realize that there might be something that I did to generate the anger the next step is examining if reconciliation is wanted or even warranted.
As clergy I get the odd email from individuals who may or may not identify themselves. They will offer some preliminary about how I should be accountable to them and then launch in to a critique of something that I may actually or only imaginarily be responsible for. Depending on the issue I may point out that they are mistaken about the boundaries that they insist on, I am not accountable to them for the work I do for congregation X, thank them for their concern maybe raise a counter argument, wish them well, hit send and then mark their email as spam. Very few actually respond and are interested in a conversation/debate. Most are just ticking off a box on a self-righteousness check-list.
Apart from that I do make people angry, on occasion.
Most times I never set out to do that.
Some times I know I cannot avoid a job that is going to make someone angry.
When you hear that they are saying negative things about you personally, or maybe what you do (your role)
That is a tough one. If it is with me present then I may defend myself. If it is behind my back (so to speak) then I consider it a sign of cowardice and reflect upon how that impacts upon them. Again as clergy I am used to individuals claiming "most" or "many" feel this or that way about my abilities. I am content to let the "most" or the "many" speak up and voice their own concerns. The individual might have a point and it might be important. If it is they don't need an imaginary group of friends in their corner.
Constant sniping and grousing can impact group morale and so there is some action that needs to be taken. In my vocation I go to the M&P Chair and set down in writing what the issue is and what I believe is the genesis of the complaint and what I believe is the impact on the community as a whole. Then it is no longer my issue to worry about or control. If I feel the need I always CC the Regional Personnel Minister so that those I am accountable to are aware of something bubbling away.
Sometime turning the other cheek, as painful as it feels, is the path to greater peace.
It can be hard to ignore, especially if it is in writing, ie an email or a post.
Yet, if you respond, often you are just adding fuel to the fire.
Maybe.
If it is in writing it hangs there forever and others can potentially pile on or kick it about. Choosing not to reply is a response of its own and yes it can add fuel to the fire. Observation suggests that if I choose not to respond that might lead to more imaginations about what a horrible person I am. It does, however; provide no evidence that I am horrible. If my response is undisciplined that does a better job of showing me to be horrible.
Since Wondercafe.ca opened and it transitioned to WC2 I have had posters make negative allegations about me, my person, my character, my theology and such. I am confident that the reputation I have built for myself here is sufficient that most posters would hesitate to believe such allegations are dubious. It doesn't feel great to click on a response to see such negative emotion. Just because it exists it doesn't follow that it is my responsibility to solve it.
None of you came here to be responsible for my crap. I don't remember signing up to carry anyone else's crap when I registered as a member.
There are members who don't understand or respect that boundary.
And there are some I have made exceptions for. Some I chose to help carry some crap. And I know that there are some who would help me with mine if I asked for help.
Not to be insulting but the relationships I have that I would turn to first when it comes to carrying crap aren't here anymore.
And the last four years have been fairly difficult for me personally for a whole host of non-WC2 reasons. I just have not had the strength or the energy to devote to this place. Friends on FB will be aware of some of what I have had to deal with but even there I have not be completely open about everything I have had on my plate.
I saw this quote online, when I was pondering about a comment made by someone, and it eased my soul.
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What does it look like when a non-toxic person tries to control you I wonder?
Challenging a boundary does not a toxic person make. I suspect all of us can point to friends who shaped us and pushed us to consider moving some boundary or other. Sometimes we choose to move the boundary ourself. Sometimes it is an honest request to change the boundary and we are just as honest when we decline the request.
But yes, there are toxic people and this does speak to that.
I fully agree that sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Sometimes addressing it makes it worse. Sometimes ignoring it allows it to fizzle out. Sometimes. I do know that there is no point in continuing when it gets to the no-win for anyone situation.
