Rejected by the Pastor. open letter on Face Book

[crazyheart]

An Open Letter to My Parents’ Pastor
July 13, 2017July 13, 2017 ~
You don’t know me, and I’m not usually in the habit of writing open letters, but this is a special occasion.

You’ve been the pastor of AUMC for two Sundays now. Last Sunday you gave a sermon about the authority of Scripture. About halfway through the sermon, you said some things that hurt a lot of people very deeply. Towards the end, you mentioned that you don’t care about hurting people’s feelings (which doesn’t strike me as very pastoral, but that’s another letter).

Long story short, my parents are leaving AUMC.

Here are some things you should know: we’ve been members for 13 years, since I was ten years old. My brother and I were confirmed there; I preached for the first time there; until recently, I thought I would get married there.

Another thing you should know: I am a lesbian. I came out this year, after many years of trying to deny who I was. My parents love me unconditionally. My mom cried through your sermon last Sunday. My dad calmly collected his things and told the choir director we wouldn’t be back.

//

I’m writing to you because I love my parents. In many ways, I feel guilty for the choices my sexuality created for them: choices between me and the rest our family, between me and decade-long friendships, between me and our church. I haven’t asked them to make these choices, but I never had to. When I called my mom on Sunday, after hearing about your sermon, she told me that she cancelled helping with VBS, couldn’t even go back in the building after that.

I’m writing to you because I want you to know who you are losing in my parents.

My dad, Greg, recently re-joined the board of trustees. He plays guitar in the praise band and leads an adult Sunday school class. He was the construction coordinator on the youth mission trip this year and has been since I was in high school. In a couple of weeks, he’s going back to Kenya with another Methodist church, to work at a hospital AUMC supports. My mom, Kathy, founded the Stephen Ministry team at AUMC, and still has a full roster of people to whom she offers lay grief counseling. She was a cook on the youth mission trips when my brother and I went. She helps with the elementary after-school programs and Vacation Bible School and is the first to make a meal for anyone who needs one.

We are those church people. We weren’t always that family, but then AUMC let my dad play guitar, and showed up with fried chicken when my uncle died, and quite literally saved my life. The church grew up around us like ivy over a wall. Or maybe, streams of living water in a desert.

I’m not saying all this to brag, but to show you who we are: a family whose life has been shaped and guided by our membership at our church, who have found time and again that our church family is strong where we are weak.

Tell me who sinned, my church or my parents, that I grew up believing that I was loved beyond reason?

//

My parents will tell you that I’m really good at feelings. But here’s how your theology actually hurts LGBTQ+ people:

About 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ.

One-third of LGB youth will attempt suicide. This is four times higher than the average for heterosexual, cisgender teens, and when LGB youth attempt suicide, the attempts are 4 to 6 times more likely to end in injuries needing serious medical treatment.

In a national study, 40% of transgender adults reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25.

On top of this, LGB youth who come from highly-rejecting families are 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide than their LGB peers who come from affirming or low-rejecting families.

About one-fifth of reported single-bias hate crimes are committed against LGBT people.

Your theology literally kills people, and you wantonly condemned queer people because you felt safe in the authority of a pulpit and the assumption that everyone agreed with you.

That is not love. That is not Biblical.

That is not how I learned to live out my faith, in the very Sunday school rooms of the church you now pastor. My church raised me to fight for the least of these, to be the hands and feet of Christ, to pray and strive for justice to roll down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

//

There’s an argument to be made for co-existing in difference of opinion, but I refuse to do that when your opinion is actively working to kill me and my siblings in Christ. Thanks be to God, my parents feel the same.

Ultimately, this is who you lose when you lose my parents: the best people in the world. The ones who will show up at your house in a crisis, who will drive for hours to fix your car, who will give money to your mission trip, who will love you and love you and love you until you can love yourself again.

When you lose queer people, you lose these same things. We are just church people, like my parents. We are those church people.

//

We can talk, if you want, but know that I am volunteering to have these conversations so my parents don’t have to. So the gay kids in the youth group, closeted or not, don’t have to.

I don’t want to have the Bible debates with you. I don’t want to hear you say you love me, but not my sin. I don’t want to have to sit and defend my humanity to you, but I will defend the humanity of others all day long. It’s how my church raised me.

I truly pray this isn’t the final goodbye to AUMC for my parents. But the family of Christ is big and the kingdom is wide, and they will find another place to call home.

 

[crazyheart]

This happens in many churches, I think. This woman is very brave to speak up

for her family.

 

[Jaebius]

For those who may be interested in reading... What is the denomination’s position on homosexuality? - The United Methodist Church

I honestly thought the UMC was more open to the involvement of LGBTQ people than they actually are.

 

[revjohn]

I was aware of the UMC position with respect to homosexuality. I know that they have disciplined several openly gay or lesbian clergy. I am aware that they disciplined one clergy person for presiding over the same sex wedding of his son. That discipline was overturned on appeal and that minister has been reinstated. That decision did not signal a change in the UMC's rejection of same sex marriage in fact Church leadership has been very clear that it is adopting a no tolerance policy for clergy that preside over same sex marriages.

Sorry to hear that this clergy person "doesn't care" about hurting peoples feelings. Probably one of those "truth hurts" types that can't remember any of the times scripture exhorts Christians to gentleness. I concur with the author of the letter, such sentiment illustrates a decidedly weak pastoral ability.

I am picking up some similar pieces here from a predecessor who quit the admission process with what appears to have been a scorched earth mentality. Good news is that he found a place where he will be more welcome, though I suspect, that will not last very long. Bad news is that a sister congregation in a sister denomination will be afflicted with him and when it goes sour they will no doubt think about blaming the UCCAN for him being such a dud.

Families that decided to leave the congregation are finding their way back. Less it seems left because of his theological position and more because he was a pompous tyrant who berated more than a few women in leadership in the congregation.

The wounds are deep.

Anyway, ministry isn't immune to having duds.

Sounds like this young person is confronting one.

 

[revsdd]

Difficult to critique the sermon when I have neither heard nor read the sermon. So, although I get the drift, I won't comment on the issue specifically, except to say that the author makes her hurt clear and I would probably disagree with the preacher on the specific issue addressed by the sermon. I would suggest that preaching such a sermon on one's second Sunday in a new pastorate is ... well ... bold at best; stupid at worst ... and does call into question the preacher's judgement. Specifics aside, in general ...

Hurting people's feelings is always a risk when one preaches - especially if one is preaching in some way about Christian behaviour. One cannot be sure what behaviours the members of one's congregation are engaging in, after all, and where one might hit nerves. I do know that on occasion I've had a few people pretty steamed at me because of one thing or another I've said from the pulpit. Probably a few who've left the church because of it. In fact, if I recall correctly, I believe it was John Wesley who once said that if the gospel is truly preached then one (or both) of two things must happen: someone must be converted or someone must be offended. But while I think one must be prepared to sometimes run that risk, I would agree that not caring if people's feelings get hurt is a poor approach to preaching: it's not very pastoral nor do I think that it should ever be the goal of preaching, although it is an inevitable risk and may at times be an unavoidable result.

Had I been the one who offended someone, I would have preferred that the offended individual let me know directly that I had done so, rather than simply disappearing from the congregation and then writing an open letter to me on a blog that I probably wouldn't read anyway. The remedy chosen by the author leaves open no real possibility for either reconciliation or transformation, although it was probably an effective way to vent.

 

[Seeler]

As a LLWL myself I often wonder about what churches look for when hiring pulpit supply.
I started doing supply ministry about 30 years ago when a retiring minister recommended me to a congregation. He knew me (he had been one of my instructors during my training), and he knew the congregation, so he knew it would be a good match. But after 30 years I sometimes get calls from a rural pastoral charge where I have never led a service before asking if I will be available. Most recently it was a call from a village about 60 klm from town. As far as I know they don't know me and I don't know anyone in their congregation. I presume that they found my name and number on a list from Presbytery. I seem to remember someone saying once that they are a very conservative congregation. If so, I really don't think my theology would match theirs. Does anybody check? (Fortunately in this case I was able to tell them honestly that I was already booked for that Sunday.)
I remember one time when a supply minister preached a very military style sermon on putting on the armour of God, with hymns like 'Fight the Good Fight' and 'Onward Christian Soldiers', not following the lectionary and in a church that valued 'love your enemy' and 'shalom'.
Another time Seelerboy and I almost walked out of a church when the supply minister preached on the Bible as the literal word of God - not something we would expecct to hear in this congregation. I could see that many of the people I knew in the congregation were uncomfortable.
How much is a visitor 'vetted' before being invited to preach?
I understand that the minister in the OP had recently been called to be the new clergy in this church - how closely was he vetted before being called?

 

[revsdd]

A couple of other cautionary notes about the blog entry. Obviously I don't know the person who wrote it. But - noting again that none of us have heard or read the sermon ...

I have had situations where one person or one family has said "I didn't like that and everybody agrees with me/us ..." when, in fact, "everybody agrees with me/us" actually means "I/we believe that my/our opinion is so obviously correct that even though I/we can't actually point to anyone else who agrees with me/us, I/we know that they must all agree with us."

I have also had situations where people have been angry about something I said in a sermon, when in fact they took what I said dreadfully out of context and were reluctant or simply refused to give me a hearing to point that out. (To be precise, I'm struggling with whether "I don't care if I hurt people's feelings" was actually said, or whether than was an interpretation, and perhaps out of context.)

I'm not saying that this preacher didn't say something stupid and/or offensive. Only that I've been doing this long enough to know that I'm not going to take a blog entry completely at face value, and certainly not as proof that "Really - this is exactly what happened. I swear." Writing an open letter on a blog rather than a personal letter to the preacher (or having a face to face conversation with the preacher) comes across to me as (a) not especially brave and (b) an attempt to score points with a wider audience rather than to actually discern the preacher's intentions.

 

[BetteTheRed]

We usually have three or four people doing pulpit supply in the summer/during the year for various reasons. I don't know that we've ever made a serious error in judgment, but think we'd catch it pretty quickly if we did.

We once hired a part-time youth minister without, for some reasons, checking on her LGBTQ position. When discovered (by my children), she was re-educated as to her official position, very quickly, with no problem.

 

[Jaebius]

A couple of other cautionary notes about the blog entry. Obviously I don't know the person who wrote it. But - noting again that none of us have heard or read the sermon ...

I have had situations where one person or one family has said "I didn't like that and everybody agrees with me/us ..." when, in fact, "everybody agrees with me/us" actually means "I/we believe that my/our opinion is so obviously correct that even though I/we can't actually point to anyone else who agrees with me/us, I/we know that they must all agree with us."

I have also had situations where people have been angry about something I said in a sermon, when in fact they took what I said dreadfully out of context and were reluctant or simply refused to give me a hearing to point that out. (To be precise, I'm struggling with whether "I don't care if I hurt people's feelings" was actually said, or whether than was an interpretation, and perhaps out of context.)

I'm not saying that this preacher didn't say something stupid and/or offensive. Only that I've been doing this long enough to know that I'm not going to take a blog entry completely at face value, and certainly not as proof that "Really - this is exactly what happened. I swear." Writing an open letter on a blog rather than a personal letter to the preacher (or having a face to face conversation with the preacher) comes across to me as (a) not especially brave and (b) an attempt to score points with a wider audience rather than to actually discern the preacher's intentions.

Frankly, I actually question the entire legitimacy of the letter. I am not saying that I know it is unauthentic, just that I have doubts. The author claims to be the offspring of parents who just left a certain church (conveniently unnamed) over a certain issue, but we don't know if that's actually true. It could be the case that the author is just acting as if such a situation has happened in order to speak out against preachers preaching a certain thing. I think in most cases a person, if they were going to write anything, would write a private letter to the preacher or else sit down and discuss things with them in private. Occasionally after I've preached someone has approached me with a question or comment. No one has ever felt the need to write an open letter on the Internet. Nor have I ever seen such a letter written about anyone else's preaching.

 

[Jaebius]

As a LLWL myself I often wonder about what churches look for when hiring pulpit supply.
I started doing supply ministry about 30 years ago when a retiring minister recommended me to a congregation. He knew me (he had been one of my instructors during my training), and he knew the congregation, so he knew it would be a good match. But after 30 years I sometimes get calls from a rural pastoral charge where I have never led a service before asking if I will be available. Most recently it was a call from a village about 60 klm from town. As far as I know they don't know me and I don't know anyone in their congregation. I presume that they found my name and number on a list from Presbytery. I seem to remember someone saying once that they are a very conservative congregation. If so, I really don't think my theology would match theirs. Does anybody check? (Fortunately in this case I was able to tell them honestly that I was already booked for that Sunday.)
I remember one time when a supply minister preached a very military style sermon on putting on the armour of God, with hymns like 'Fight the Good Fight' and 'Onward Christian Soldiers', not following the lectionary and in a church that valued 'love your enemy' and 'shalom'.
Another time Seelerboy and I almost walked out of a church when the supply minister preached on the Bible as the literal word of God - not something we would expecct to hear in this congregation. I could see that many of the people I knew in the congregation were uncomfortable.
How much is a visitor 'vetted' before being invited to preach?
I understand that the minister in the OP had recently been called to be the new clergy in this church - how closely was he vetted before being called?

"LLWL?" Licensed Lay Women's Leader?? The churches I've preached at have done different amounts of vetting, and really I feel it's up to each church to choose just how much vetting to do. With me, it has usually meant just being recommended by someone the pastor of the church knows and trusts. There have also been a couple of coffee meetings so the pastor and I can get to know each other and feel at ease.

 

[Mendalla]

I think in most cases a person, if they were going to write anything, would write a private letter to the preacher

In our generation, I would agree. However, this is the 21st century. Airing your private grievances publicly on social media seems to be the thing to do nowadays. See it on Twitter all the time. Why waste time actually talking to the person you're concerned about when you can bitch loud and long in a public space? IOW, I'm rather with Steven. The letter is likely authentic but represents that viewpoint and the statements about how it affected the congregation beyond that one family are suspect.

"LLWL?" Licensed Lay Women's Leader??

License Lay Worship Leader. It's a UCCan designation for lay persons who have received specific training on leading worship. Wish the CUC offered similar. Our practice of putting just anyone in the pulpit can be a bit of a crapshoot. At least having the certification would mean you can tell who has actually put in time learning about worship vs. who has a grievance or opinion they want to air in a public space and little interest in actual worship.

 

[BetteTheRed]

Whether it's true or not, it's probably wise advice to conservative type congregations. In a modern culture that values the identity and contributions of people on all positions of the sexuality/gender/orientation continuums, a denomination/congregation that unwelcomes LGBTQ people or their families doesn't have a lot of hope for long term survival.

 

[Jaebius]

In our generation, I would agree. However, this is the 21st century. Airing your private grievances publicly on social media seems to be the thing to do nowadays. See it on Twitter all the time.

Yes, it doesn't help much when even POTUS is doing it.

Why waste time actually talking to the person you're concerned about when you can bitch loud and long in a public space?

Because maybe you actually care about other people and want to help them. Because maybe that's more loving than just venting online.

License Lay Worship Leader. It's a UCCan designation for lay persons who have received specific training on leading worship. Wish the CUC offered similar. Our practice of putting just anyone in the pulpit can be a bit of a crapshoot. At least having the certification would mean you can tell who has actually put in time learning about worship vs. who has a grievance or opinion they want to air in a public space and little interest in actual worship.

In the evangelical circles I travel, speakers tend to be chosen on things like recommendations, experience, and degrees.

 

[Luce NDs]

As a person challenged by what I don't know ... I like to challenge people with what they don't know ...

Generally people don't like it and thus reject the unknown as a sort of denied idealism ... as if they knew everything!

This is an odd pool to mess about with as innate or alternately implicit with some explicit observations ... look out there folks!

One could learn something alien ... tis a strange conception ... something to contemplate ...

 

[Jaebius]

Whether it's true or not, it's probably wise advice to conservative type congregations. In a modern culture that values the identity and contributions of people on all positions of the sexuality/gender/orientation continuums, a denomination/congregation that unwelcomes LGBTQ people or their families doesn't have a lot of hope for long term survival.

What's important is to exegete and share what's in the text, whether culture agrees with it or not.

 

[Luce NDs]

What's important is to exegete and share what's in the text, whether culture agrees with it or not.

That's us disagreeable with avarice and thus it incarnates ... appears as an ugly head popping up ... Jack! Is that ewe ...

 

[Mendalla]

Because maybe you actually care about other people and want to help them. Because maybe that's more loving than just venting online.

I assume you noted my choice of smiley. I was being sarcastic to the max there. I actually agree with you.

In the evangelical circles I travel, speakers tend to be chosen on things like recommendations, experience, and degrees.

For guest speakers, that tends to be true. Usually they are from some cause or other that we are aligning with (e.g. the USC Canada, the local women's shelter).

However, our tradition (at least in my fellowship and most other UU churches from that period) is that the pulpit is more or less open to any member and with our minister down to a quarter-time, contract position that gets used a lot. And some of them do a wonderful job. One of our best, most reliable worship leaders is a retired auto worker who is quite well-read. Worship is about more than how much you know or how you know it. There are guys with a list of degrees as long as my arm who couldn't lead a worship service to save their soul. A professor emeritus (philosophy and education IIRC) from Western used to do services at the fellowship. Gave great "talks" (they were a bit too academic to qualify as sermons most of the time) but had no concept of "worship" otherwise so we always had to pair him up with another member who was good at the worship side.

The risk, of course, is that someone who is just doing a service casually is more likely to shoot off their mouth than a trained leader would be. And it has happened, trust me, though less often than you might expect.

 

[revsdd]

Whether it's true or not, it's probably wise advice to conservative type congregations. In a modern culture that values the identity and contributions of people on all positions of the sexuality/gender/orientation continuums, a denomination/congregation that unwelcomes LGBTQ people or their families doesn't have a lot of hope for long term survival.

Emphasis mine.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with that. Being counter-cultural can be quite a draw, and there will always be a minority of the population who don't agree with the prevailing trends of the culture. In fact, you could argue that "Christianity" was born and flourished because of its counter-cultural approach. In fact it became so successful that eventually it had to be co-opted by the culture so that what ended up was neither the original culture nor original Christianity, but a blend of sorts which even today we are slowly trying (on both sides) to disentangle ourselves from.

 

[Mendalla]

Whether it's true or not, it's probably wise advice to conservative type congregations. In a modern culture that values the identity and contributions of people on all positions of the sexuality/gender/orientation continuums, a denomination/congregation that unwelcomes LGBTQ people or their families doesn't have a lot of hope for long term survival.

I suspect that we will be long in our graves before there are no churches rejecting LGBTQ, if that day ever comes.

 

[Waterfall]

I don't know that this is the point that the family should leave their church. Sounds like they were supported by the congregation before the pastor came? Definitely worth the attempt to change one persons attitude.