Death and all that.

No, I'm not anticipating that I'll die soon. It's just something a person thinks about when dealing with metastatic cancer.

The MAID threads made me think. Rather than adding to them, and inviting arguments, I decided to write something here. I ask that you respond respectfully.

As I edge closer to qualifying to apply for MAID, I realize that this is not an academic discussion for me. It is not a discussion that belongs in a university classroom. It is potentially an option for me. As you may have noticed, I have little tolerance for some thoughts, even though I do believe we are all entitled to make our own choices.

I've been part of a cancer support group in person for several years. I've also been part of a few FB groups. We have discussed MAID over coffee and online. One friend chose MAID in September last year. My aunt chose MAID in April this year. I've known others who have chosen it. Suddenly, MAID has become part of my circle so to speak. It has an impact.

I'm very glad it's an option for those who choose it. I'm glad both my friend and my aunt could take control over how they left this world. Both had good access to supports and care for the record.

Of course I'm speaking of track 1 only. Track 2 is an entirely different discussion in my mind.

This having a disease that can go sideways suddenly changes your perspective. At this point, my choice would be to go to palliative care. Who knows what I will decide later. I'm glad it is an option.

What do you think you would do?

I may add more thoughts later.

Edit: This is not a thread for debate or for political discussion. I've shared some of my thoughts of what it is like to be approaching a point where I'll qualify to apply for MAID. Kindly take any debate or political type questions to one of the MAID threads in the main forum. Thank you.

 

[Luce NDs]

Reaction to death has a wide spectrum ... for mysterious reason ... mythicist thing to get through ...

Then I am said to be an insane emotion due to contamination with mental intrusions ... clues, or Cloe? It swings lo' ...

 

[Kimmio Laughterlove]

My grandfather died from infection after breaking his hip. It’s was a very serious injury and I managed to keep my spirits up and wasn’t going to get suckered into anything. I was on guard. Death was on my mind from time to time, as infection can happen even many months after surgery if healing doesn’t go well.

Also, people die from addiction to opioids after such injuries. They were pushing them on me - they wanted to give me an ongoing prescription for a common one (not fentanyl). But then people get randomly taken off them and that’s why there are disabled people, desperate and living on the street, dying from street drugs - and society just wants that “cleared up”. The root problem is one that those people aren’t to blame for, but they have had to die for. I am aware of that and so I asked to be taken off of one before leaving the hospital, giving myself time to do so under supervision. I believe this is connected to the MAiD issue from the bottom up perspective.

 

[Waterfall]

Maid will be one of my options....if my surgery doesn't go well. Right now I've stalled that with the stent opening up a passage to get the food down, but as the tumor grows it will close again. Right now the samples taken of this mass were cancer free, but they could only reach so far.
My surgeons insist I have cancer and will find it only after they open me up to take out my gall bladder, half my stomach, duodenum and crown of the pancreas and possibly all of it, and some of my intestines. My doctors have told me I won't be the same after....(no kidding)
My recovery time could be weeks or months.....statistics are better when your 40 to 60 for how long you live afterward....not so much the older I get. I've lost lots of weight. Right now I toss the idea of even having the surgery, but then I suddenly hear all the wonderful recovery stories. It's complicated.
My surgeons won't even do the surgery if maid is an option within a certain time frame.
My family wants me to have the surgery, I wish there was someone my age who had this surgery, to talk to.
I was sent home to think about it or until an emergency occurs....but my GP has taken a hands off approach because she says she doesn't know enough about it and insists on me only talking to the surgical team....who are more or less non existent until I call to have the surgery. There can be a lot of complications from "the Whipple Procedure"
So for me, my world right now is full of a bunch of indecision.
I want to make sure maid is available at least.....believe me I prefer life, but if death is imminent and the circumstances aren't good, I want that choice.


.

 

[Northwind]

I know at least one person who had the Whipple procedure for pancreatic cancer. She seems to have recovered well, all things considered. Another had some significant surgeries that were close. I don't think she had the Whipple even though her surgery seemed to have been as big.

It's a big decision when the treatment seems worse than the disease/condition.

 

[Waterfall]

I know at least one person who had the Whipple procedure for pancreatic cancer. She seems to have recovered well, all things considered. Another had some significant surgeries that were close. I don't think she had the Whipple even though her surgery seemed to have been as big.

It's a big decision when the treatment seems worse than the disease/condition.

That last line sums it up for me....thanks.

 

[Luce NDs]

That last line sums it up for me....thanks.

I just talked to a lady, long time friend, that had treatment a fe years back, said as others that she would never do it again.
There is a psyche expression "affect" not effect bu it refers to a field of influence around concentrated pain. Psychologically some are immune to such sensations some are like the Samaritan ... the lord of battle an rubbing others ... hate to see someone receive some kindness ... thus many remain silent friends in life ... assuming there is another side to the value (coin) of life. In different societies the exchange rate varies ... there is a class that doesn't give a s**t and we must use care about them ... thus the theme of the Great Alone!
As we approach the red line of wisdom something seems to change within the mind ... I feel sorry for those that lost it as if it were a tiny black pearl a huge mystery as you could imagine.
I cannot tell anyone anything for sure but know lots that will tell you just how it is in a domain they eliminated because they didn't have and inkling of belief in that escaping vassal! Myth ... that' where I'm headed to see if I can learn more of unbelievable things to those concrete and cemented in ... a bad journey for that 3 in a bote ...
It would be wonderful if this world was better laid out with less harshness .. as Micah commented on kindness, just and humble ... so keep you head down and be patient for a a finer Dais ... ID'll come up again ... this frustration with the unjust goes on and on ... they don't know their vocation!

 

[Northwind]

That last line sums it up for me....thanks.

People who haven't been through such health issues really don't get it do they? I mean, why should they?

The first time I felt the treatment side effects weren't worth it was in February after I got my first dose of the drug I'm currently on. The side effects were brutal. I had zero energy, zero interest in eating and was weak. It doesn't sound that bad in print, really. I knew though, I did not want to continue living like that. Thankfully a dose reduction made a big difference.

 

[Luce NDs]

People who haven't been through such health issues really don't get it do they? I mean, why should they?

The first time I felt the treatment side effects weren't worth it was in February after I got my first dose of the drug I'm currently on. The side effects were brutal. I had zero energy, zero interest in eating and was weak. It doesn't sound that bad in print, really. I knew though, I did not want to continue living like that. Thankfully a dose reduction made a big difference.

That loss of energy and drive is depression itself ... sometimes incarnating as escapism. I believe it is part of the nature of this mystique we call a companion that is fey and flighty! The way the limbic system interweaves with tissues and the overhanging spirits is troublesome and a concern because of how it affects the will to go on ... tonic, or toxic? Depends on the surrounding ... sometimes referred to as "affect".
As a trained Process Engineer (nor certified) the mystery of that function has been a drawing (draught) for me ... a call? I wonder about how the call to excess physical wealth shrouds the humanity faction. The complexity of it all is as enigmatic as what I call knowing of God (all-there-is)? It is an ultimate journey ... some people finish within mortal time ... it seems others are stretched beyond that ...
I don't know how many in my profession quit when they got out of formal school! I was confronted with: "don't tell me anything" ... I don't wish to know anything that might rub against my excessive need for "more that enough" and still looking for physical wealth while the opposite slips away in instability (imbalance). Do words about wisdom incarnate as insanity of knowledge ...

There was an old scientific adage that said you can't make something out of nothing (emotion) without creating the exact opposite ... doubleganger that you cannot escape as reflection ... even if if it is denied it comes back as in PTSD. Life requires the gift of resources ... what can we return for the gift ... that's a life passed on. It takes a lot of intelligence to replace the dying emotions and thus we forget ... a curse to those with a large heart. Then the grinch had what kind of heart?

To have something great on one side requires loss on the other and thus a mysterious transience it cycles interminably. Such things are difficult to comprehend when you are on the other side for a commission ... sometimes love sometimes putting a spark into a dark tunnel. It is the stuff of legend to survive to the next round ... hemi circle or demi sphere as the bell tolls? Drives the flatlanders insane ... vanilla sky, midnight, red, yellow and the nitrogen cycle as Amis ... 4 companions ... one forthcoming ... ever have the feeling we've been here before?

In dancing comprehension, the tattoo of life ... echoes Steven King's The Stand ... unseen stoic overseers watchtowers in the clouds ... you cannot tell me there is nothing deeper in a story ... for the thing is stacked to a central point where it is all tied together ... how? More mystery ...

 

[Northwind]

That loss of energy and drive is depression itself ... sometimes incarnating as escapism.

I'm sure feeling that this week.

 

[Luce NDs]

There is something

I'm sure feeling that this week.

Been there done that ... doing it again ... some people do not appreciate the sense of exhaustion ... just watching a Classic Movie where the battle of emotion-intelligence does the dance Zhivago ... Shiva in another tradition ... eternal cover ... cause the world hates it ...

I was told I didn't belong as a thinker ... maybe they were right from out there as I sank in like those Semitic Boys in Lawrence of Arabia ... there are those that will not look into the dirt of our past as they write history as law ... and still the story continues, somewhat contrary and the straight liners do not see the rub ... is intellect a dead ringer ... the primal Bell Tolling for a comeback? Abstract ... that call in the dead of night ...

Something deep in the legend? Imagine what ... that fog of sleep releases spirits ... essence of rest! The signs ... the icons that run ... inky ...

Iconoclast ... destroyer, disseminating the standard, heretic ... the essence of God is not a royal Stoic ... castle cast-off?

Maybe ... just thought that it can grow ... that petrified tree ... terrified or difficult m'n ... just below the surface like Zacchaeus a tangle of roots ... one tier is a start ... rumor is there is 13 steps while to heaven there are 7 ... quite a work ... when you figure a bit ... always a break, a portal ... Pandora's latch? Valley high ... Halle? Deep in the mountains a retreat ... Shenandoah, Shangri-Lai ... dream? Chi's a dark one Boies ... mystery lass ... driving ... just right!

Where there is a peak there must be a trough ... check the synodic wave ... for floaters .... super's rhythm ... heart beat? Prodigal ... she loved another ... Mother-of-God ... Agai?

 

[Northwind]

User Kimmio will not be replying further to this blog. She and I have had private discussions and she said she would not be posting here anymore. I've decided to help her with that by applying a thread ban.

 

[paradox3]

Thanks for letting us know @Northwind.

 

[paradox3]

People who haven't been through such health issues really don't get it do they? I mean, why should they?

This is really a universal truth of all lived experience. As an insulin user (x 25 yrs) I sometimes feel that diabetic educators have little clue about my daily reality.

Parenthood is the same when you think about it. Having a disabled child? Doubly so.

The first time I felt the treatment side effects weren't worth it was in February after I got my first dose of the drug I'm currently on. The side effects were brutal. I had zero energy, zero interest in eating and was weak. It doesn't sound that bad in print, really. I knew though, I did not want to continue living like that. Thankfully a dose reduction made a big difference.

Thank goodness for that.

This is sometimes the line in the sand. I believe individuals have the right to their own decision making about it.

 

[paradox3]

Thanks @Waterfall and @Northwind for your candor on this thread.

 

[chansen]

User Kimmio will not be replying further to this blog. She and I have had private discussions and she said she would not be posting here anymore. I've decided to help her with that by applying a thread ban.

Not liking or celebrating this development. I do think it would be good to have a conversation on this topic, as it relates to the blog post here, without the discussion devolving into a fight.

 

[KayTheCurler]

I too think about death and how hard I want to fight against its arrival.

I have had good conversations with my family doc and have recorded a DNR. So far I doubt I'll request MAID and feel myself tilting towards palliative care for those final days..

I don't fancy major surgery or chemo or radiation that makes me feel sick either. My doc will tell me what possibilities exist but the decision will be mine.

 

[Northwind]

It's interesting the doctors tell me to let them know if I feel "unwell" . Um, unwell is a state of being when you're getting cancer drugs. That being said, I don't know what better word they can use. I understand what they mean.

 

[paradox3]

I too think about death and how hard I want to fight against its arrival.

Same. I also wonder about quality of life in our later years.

I have had good conversations with my family doc and have recorded a DNR.

My family and I have discussed our wishes informally.

So far I doubt I'll request MAID and feel myself tilting towards palliative care for those final days..

It probably depends a lot on what the circumstances will be.

I don't fancy major surgery or chemo or radiation that makes me feel sick either. My doc will tell me what possibilities exist but the decision will be mine.

My thinking exactly.

 

[Northwind]

I had my scans today. I'm tired today and the techs looked like they would offer me help they don't normally offer. I wonder if I look tired or something to them too. The techs are great usually, and I got the extra good ones today. That's always good.

Each treatment changes brings me closer to the end of treatment options. My oncologist has told me about three drugs she can consider for the next one. One of them is a trial. I love that she's always a step or two ahead.

I didn't feel a lot of anxiety going into this. I was glad the scans could be moved up and not so glad for the reason to be moved. Now I'm feeling it a bit. I'll manage. Still, each step closer to being qualified to apply for MAID is rather sobering.

 

[paradox3]

"Sobering" is understandable @Northwind