Crying

[Seeler]

I find that as I grow older, I cry more frequently. Sometimes it seems that tears are not far from my eyes (some of that is allergies). I wonder if it is just that I'm letting my defenses down - that I bottled things up more when I was young - trying to appear strong to myself and others, and now as an old lady I can let up on myself a bit. Or am I depressed. Or just sad.
Not to give the impression that I am always sad - I get a lot of joy out of life and have a lot of living to do.
Maybe I've just learned that it's acceptable to cry. And maybe I see a lot of sadness in the world.

 

[PilgrimsProgress]

Didn't Shakespeare say something like, life's a tragedy for those that feel, a comedy for those that think?
All I can say is that I must do a lot of thinking and feeling........

 

[Seeler]

Highs and lows.

 

[Kimmio Laughterlove]

I cry when I have PMS, just seeing something or reading something that tugs on my heart strings, I cry sometimes. I cried when I read that Robin Williams died. We got some bad news the other day regarding my husband's job, just before I left for work. Just more stress. It was just one more thing piled on a seemingly neverending river of stresses lately, and I needed to talk about it. And so I told my coworker at work, and I couldn't stop the tears. I had to really suck it up so I didn't start sobbing - then went to the bathroom and freshened up. When my grandma died I broke down in my bosses office. And I walked by others who saw I was obviously upset. I'm not embarassed about it at all. I work with really caring people.

I need to cry sometimes. It has to come out. I think it can make you sick if you hold it in.

 

[Pinga]

hmm, so many different types of cries.
Crying from laughing so hard..
little tears when watching a movie.. (or years ago, those dang Bell ads)
the rip your body apart tears of a loss
the tears from frustration --- very rare now (see note below)
the tears when you hear of something sad -- though, not that often. I am saddened by a friends loss, but, less tears than say as a youth when tears just flew.

Seeler, regarding tears at work. I used to find that if I was extremely frustrated on a topic that I could not speak through my frustration and would cry (or feel that if I talked I would cry). I learned how to talk through it, then eventually, the need to cry, the emotion that led to tears went away. I can't remember the last time that I felt that emotion being tripped when frustrated..and yet, frustration has been high. Tears block communication.

 

[Beloved]

I've heard others make the same comment as your Mum, Pilgrims progess . . . that they were afraid if they every started crying they wouldn't be able to stop.

 

[Beloved]

Cyring . . . and laughing . . . at the same time.

We were at our nephew's visitation the night before his funeral. He was a teen, and it was a very sad death. I was crying and didn't have any kleenex . . . I asked my niece in front of me to please get me some toilet paper from the washroom (can't remember now why I asked her to do it for me, as I'm sure I could have gone myself, but there must have been a reason at the time). So her (she was also a teen) and some of the other cousins went to the washroom. And she came back with a whole roll of toilet paper, and handed it to me. I started to laugh . . . and because of all the sadness we were experiencing, I started to cry . . . but a real loud sobbing, type of cry, and then . . . laugh . . . and it was loud too . . . and then cry. I couldn't control either emotion - the laughter or the crying. It was a very unusual experience for me - and I will never forget how I felt inside not being able to get a reign on either physical output of emotion.

 

[Seeler]

Beloved - it happens!

 

[Rowan]

There are a lot of things that make me feel weepy but the vast majority of the time I refrain from crying. I was brought up in a home where crying was viewed as a sign of being weak. About the only time I cry is when I am alone. I don't cry in public or even when a family member or friend is present.

 

[revjohn]

But how much crying is normal?

The question presumes a number of things which I really don't think any of us would accept as true. It presumes that there is a "normal" amount of crying and it presumes that whatever that norm is applies equally to each and every individual in just about each and every situation.

I reject each of those three assumptions on the grounds that they are foolish.

Do you cry?

I do. Within my immediate family it is a source of great amusement because it simply proves that I am, at heart, a softie. Which is not to say I am a pushover.

Tears forming in the corners of your eyes and spilling over? Or big shoulder shaking, sobbing, or howling crying?

Each as the emotion of the moment dictates.

What makes you cry?

Happy things or sad things. Almost any emotion in abundance triggers the Overfill Prevention Device which bleeds off concentrated emotion. Save for anger. That blows via different outlets.

How often does it happen?

We don't chart it so I can't speak to issues of frequency. There is a scene in Batman: Gotham Knight which reduces me to tears every time I see it. Every time. I don't watch the video or that particular scene often. Once or twice a year maybe. Stephen Colbert regularly reduces me to tears of laughter, once every two weeks or so.

Does it serve any purpose?

Proves I am alive and human. Or an incredibly excellent facsimile of one or the other if not both.

Is it a sign of weakness or a healthy outlet?

I think the answer is that it can be both and does not necessarily need to be one over the other.

Rather than a sign of weakness it should probably be considered a signal that there is some deeper trauma that needs to be dealt with (depending upon the situation). My grandfather died when I was five. Should I still be able to cry about that loss or is there an expiry date on grief? Do I cry as much about it now as I did then? Not at all.

In my case tears are part of the OPD connected to my tear ducts. They are part of real emotions that I really have. If that is too much for others to deal with that really isn't my concern or problem. I cry because I feel the need to. I don't need anyone's permission nor do I need others on hand to monitor me so that I do it right.

 

[crazyheart]

John, this will bring you to tears. Weird Al was on the Emmy's. It was awful,imo.

 

[revjohn]

John, this will bring you to tears. Weird Al was on the Emmy's. It was awful,imo.

Sorry. Your failure to appreciate Al does sadden me. It does not bring me to tears.

I do pity you though.

 

[Seeler]

How much crying is normal? I asked. RevJohn, you read assumptions into that question that I had not intended.
I assumed that most people would agree that there is no one point that is 'normal' for everybody. Except on Golden Girls no one sets aside an hour every Thursday night to cry.
But, I do think that there are situations that might merit some concern. A person who never ever cries regardless of the circumstances might be bottling a lot up. A person who cries almost continually, for hours at a time, almost every day, so much so that they are unable to function in society might need help in sorting out why they are so sad. Somewhere in between there is a norm.
I'm mainly wondering where there is a point at which a person should be concerned either for himself or for a loved one if tears are almost always just below the surface and cannot be controlled, or if they spend a great deal of time crying.

 

[BetteTheRed]

I think it's too individual to tell, seeler. Case in point, I cry a great deal, or at least very easily, these days. I cried a lot less when I was on anti-depressants. I use other methods, like meditation and Tai Chi, to try to moderate, or least step away from, my feelings, as an alternative to chemically suppressing them. I definitely feel more alive, but I also feel sad more often and more deeply.

 

[Jaebius]

Sorry. Your failure to appreciate Al does sadden me. It does not bring me to tears.

I do pity you though.

I do appreciate Al. I think his music is great - and I've really enjoyed watching interviews of him on youtube. His performance on the Emmy awards was sad.

 

[revjohn]

How much crying is normal? I asked.

Yeah. I quoted you. I saw the question.

RevJohn, you read assumptions into that question that I had not intended.

[FONT=Open Sans, sans-serif]And? You asked how much crying is normal.

What if the question is, how much crying is normal for your first heart break? Do we measure normal in tears shed, days devoted to tears or some other crying based phenomenon? Are we measuring normal for individual humans or the entire human species? Are we measuring by race, geography or economic status?

Hard to define what is normal when we don't even comprehend normal.

[/FONT]
But, I do think that there are situations that might merit some concern.

Indeed there probably are. In that case normal is probably determined individually and in order to come to an accurate answer each of us would need to know the individual who is the source of our concern fairly well.

A person who never ever cries regardless of the circumstances might be bottling a lot up.

Agreed. Again unless I know the individual in question defining normal is difficult.

A person who cries almost continually, for hours at a time, almost every day, so much so that they are unable to function in society might need help in sorting out why they are so sad.

At that level I expect we are not simply dealing with mere sadness.

Somewhere in between there is a norm.

Yes, somewhere between not enough and way too much is just right. Sorry that isn't very specific.

I'm mainly wondering where there is a point at which a person should be concerned either for himself or for a loved one if tears are almost always just below the surface and cannot be controlled, or if they spend a great deal of time crying.

I expect it depends on knowing the individual in question.

My son doesn't readily show a lot of emotion at all. It is part and parcel of the Autism Spectrum Disorders. Emotion is there and it comes out from time to time. Sometimes appropriately and other times inappropriately. We work on his normal. We understand it and we can read it. He has not cried very much since he was nine, of course at that time he wasn't being treated at all effectively for a bi-polar disorder. My normal or your normal would not be his normal.

You or I attempting to force him into our understandings of what is normal for us or for any situation is not likely going to work. He has his normal and it works for him. If it isn't broke it doesn't need fixing.

As for the extremes, I expect that all things considered they are very small in number and again would suspect that the crying, or lack there of is the actual problem. In those instances they are likely more symptomatic of something else which is the real concern.

 

[KayTheCurler]

My aunt and uncle lost their two children a few years apart. One was 21 and single, the other 30 ish with some little ones. They intentionally set aside one day a year as 'grieving day' - when they could cry, express loss and anger and disappointment. The next day life returned to normal. As a young woman this sounded weird to me, but now it seems to make more sense. I know I often 'swallowed' a desire to weep following a loss (wrong time and place mostly), At least my aunt and uncle had a time to share that type of moment.

 

[Beloved]

I can see how the one-day of grieving would work, as it did for your aunt and uncle, when one is a bit further on in their grieving process. For me, I would need to take more time at the beginning of the loss to grieve. And to grieve on a moment by moment basis, until it wasn't so raw.

 

[KayTheCurler]

In the earlier stages of their grief my aunt and uncle were open with their pain. It wasn't until the losses were 'old' that they set aside a day to ensure they continued to acknowledge them. It gave them both permission to share their thoughts. They set two candles in one place to represent the losses - many candles elsewhere for remaining loved ones. Extra photos were displayed and momentos of various kinds. Many years later I attended a Blue Christmas service and was reminded of my aunt and uncle. There are many people I know who think Blue Christmas services are an excuse to 'wallow' in grief, and others who gained much comfort from the sharing of human emotions. No easy answers in life, I guess.

 

[Jon71]

Philosophically I am very pro-crying, after all the Bible tells us "Jesus wept". Having said that it just isn't something I do a lot. My daughter told that when my mom died was the only time she's seen me cry.