estranged family members

[Jaebius]

Then call him at work Jae (if you don't have his number it's available on the Gov. website)...

Which government website Tabitha?

...or if his girlfriend answers say "could I speak to Rae please?"

No, I have no desire to say even that much to her. She has no honor. She's a home wrecker. Yobo encourages me from time to time to call Dr. Rae and even speak in a friendly way with his girlfriend. That isn't going to happen. Not now, not ever.

Jae what is more important-your comfort level or staying in contact with your brother? God calls us to uncomfortable actions sometimes.

Anyway Tabitha, he'll probably call us back at new year's. If not, I'm okay with that. We were never particularly close anyway.

 

[KayTheCurler]

Ummmm...... I truly don't understand your stance on this Jae. You are privileged to have a brother - he contacted the family but you weren't available right then. So what if his wife answers? Often phone calls at this house aren't for the person who picks up first.

For many years I phoned my brother regularly. His wife picked up the phone every time but one. That one time was the only time I got to share words with him for about twenty years. There is no possibility of speaking with him again as he is now dead.

Darn - now my eyes are leaking.

 

[BetteTheRed]

Jae, I'd like to say this gently, because I have some of the same issues and I'm very aware that when I point a finger, three point back at me. However, I think you might have some forgiveness work to do in relationship with your brother and his partner. For your sake, not theirs. Which your wise wife also sees. (And if I might suggest a source for structured forgiveness work, Desmond Tutu's Forgiveness Challenge is very kind and effective: http://www.humanjourney.com/forgiveness/ )

 

[Jaebius]

Ummmm...... I truly don't understand your stance on this Jae. You are privileged to have a brother - he contacted the family but you weren't available right then. So what if his wife answers? Often phone calls at this house aren't for the person who picks up first.

His wife and I are friends. I'd talk to his wife any day. She lives in a different province than he does. The person I said might answer is his girlfriend. I have no desire to speak to her.

For many years I phoned my brother regularly. His wife picked up the phone every time but one. That one time was the only time I got to share words with him for about twenty years. There is no possibility of speaking with him again as he is now dead.

Sorry to hear.

Darn - now my eyes are leaking.

 

[Jaebius]

Jae, I'd like to say this gently, because I have some of the same issues and I'm very aware that when I point a finger, three point back at me. However, I think you might have some forgiveness work to do in relationship with your brother and his partner. For your sake, not theirs. Which your wise wife also sees. (And if I might suggest a source for structured forgiveness work, Desmond Tutu's Forgiveness Challenge is very kind and effective: http://www.humanjourney.com/forgiveness/ )

Thanks Bette. I may have even signed up if it was free. Thing is, my brother married a friend of mine and he has really hurt her. Should I forgive him and his home wrecker girlfriend? Yes. Does that mean I should see their behavior as positive? No. Since my brother is still married to his wife, my prayer is that he repent of his relationship with his girlfriend and then reconcile if possible with his wife.

 

[Tabitha]

You asked what government website Jae. Type in Government of Alberta and then his name. His contact info comes up. How hard can it be?

So the real reason you won't call your brother is that you disapprove of his marriage ending and him living with a woman? Yet you still contact your divorced sister... Your wife is wise. Listen to her.

 

[Jaebius]

You asked what government website Jae. Type in Government of Alberta and then his name. His contact info comes up. How hard can it be?

Thanks Tabitha, but I tried that and couldn't find it. I found a few others with the same name who work for Alberta.

So the real reason you won't call your brother is that you disapprove of his marriage ending and him living with a woman? Yet you still contact your divorced sister... Your wife is wise. Listen to her.

Yes, my wife is a wise woman. Wise than me, and better than me in most ways. As for my sister (also wiser than me), her situation is different.

 

[BetteTheRed]

I see now that it mentions payment, Jae. I certainly didn't pay for it, but I signed up a long time ago. Perhaps there was a initial free period.

 

[Seeler]

We have to also respect the fact that Jae has said he isn't that interested in talking to his brother.
Some family situations are like that.
I never had much interest in meeting with my father from the time I was a young teen and he gave no indication that he was interested in talking to me. (The evening before I left home in a small village in NB at age 17 to look for work in Montreal, my dad went next door to say good-by to their son who was joining the armed forces. I had told him earlier that I was going, even got him to sign for me to get a railroad pass for the trip, but I didn't bother to remind him.) Most years I would go home on vacation to see my siblings and friends. I was polite to Dad, the hello, how are you type of thing, but we never had a real conversation. I did take my babies to see him, but by then he had remarried (to a girl younger than me) and had small children of his own). He died a few years later. Seelerman and I were living in Ontario then, we went back for the funeral because it was the right thing to do and to be there with my sisters and brother. I don't think either Dad or I felt estranged / just indifferent.

If Jae has no interest one way or the other in keeping in contact with his brother, and his brother didn't call back when he didn't get through the first time, then perhaps they are contented on both sides. Though maybe his mother would like to be in touch with her son and might appreciate Jae's help in making a call. On the other hand, if Jae and his brother are unhappy with the situation, or have unresolved issues, the only way to handle it is to try to get in touch and maintain contact.

Seelerboy called us four times on Christmas day before he caught us home.

 

[BetteTheRed]

You're a wise woman, seeler. I only mentioned it for Jae, whose beloved seems to have a similar feeling that it would be good for him.

 

[Tabitha]

I only mention it because Jae brings it up. His brother is not really estranged-rather Jae chooses not to contact him. Quite a difference.

 

[Kimmio Laughterlove]

When somebody chooses not to contact somebody, they are both estranged, unfortunately. For the time being. My mother and I have such a come here go away relationship - although it's more serious and complicated than that - she disowned my on a whim a week after my wedding over her feelings about an online wedding photo of my stepmom (said I was not her daughter, blocked me from calling her). Then, that Christmas she called me up to discuss Christmas plans like nothing had happened. I don't trust her. She is my mother by genetics, but I cannot trust her. She has never been "safe".I care about her as a human being in so far as I wish her well in the rest of her life - but I do not want to be close to her. Her doing that totally put a damper on the start of my marriage and new family connections that had just been formed. I felt ashamed. It left everyone perplexed and disappointed and uncomfortable - I really don't think we'll ever work it out, only be able to be civil. Because of all that - still have feelings about that, the maliciousness of it, and how the total lack of family care and support through the hard times my husband and I were having - like, we even had a part for family written into our vows because of my parents' 30 yr cold war but nobody was listening or even gave a damn. My mom was too focused on being centre of attention as mother of the bride - she made the whole frickin day about her while we ran circles around her so she would not make a scene, my dad didn't believe my worries were warranted after all those years / he didn't believe she still hated him and would try to pull something to get attention, but I warned him. Everybody, including my husband said it would all be fine (but I know her she's been emotionally abusive my whole life) then pulls a surprise stunt - disowns me a week later. I have little respect or trust for her left. Maybe someday but it can't just go one way (her bizarre way). So, I estranged myself from her this Christmas. We made nice when my husband was around to be a buffer the best he could even though she wasn't kind to him either - but not now.

 

[Pinga]

Can you describe what you mean when you say she disowned you? Did you get legal papers, financial support halted or a call to say never contact me again?

Curious as my dad also has said he has disowned children over the years, which has manifested in various ways

 

[Kimmio Laughterlove]

Can you describe what you mean when you say she disowned you? Did you get legal papers, financial support halted or a call to say never contact me again?

Curious as my dad also has said he has disowned children over the years, which has manifested in various ways

I thought I explained it, a couple of times. However...no, no legal stuff. A week after our honeymoon when everybody was excited for us and my in laws were checking our online album everyday for new photos - had sent emails to congratulate and connect with my parents and were so proud - someone posted a photo of me and my stepmom - there were already pics of my mom and I up and my mom and step mom even spoke at the wedding - even though my friends told me she was talking trash to people about my dad and step mom out of earshot of me. Couldn't even keep it to herself for one day - my wedding day. Every single time I see her, for nearly 35 years now she brings up how much she can't stand them and puts me in the middle or humiliates me because she couldn't get to my dad. Her entire identity over those years has been formed by her hatred for my dad or to prove something to him. It's insane. Anyway... So a week or thereabouts after our wedding and honeymoon she posts a nasty comment under the photo then sends me an email saying I am not her daughter anymore, that she is "disowning me" (not in any legal sense, but emotional sense I guess) and she blocked my phone numbers from calling hers - my cell and our landline, until near Christmas when she called me acting like nothing happened.

 

[Pinga]

I am curious, how do you know it was blocked? I've never done that and wondered if peopel would know it was blocked.

 

[Kimmio Laughterlove]

I am curious, how do you know it was blocked? I've never done that and wondered if peopel would know it was blocked.

Yes, I knew. If I recall it was either a perpetual busy signal or it rang once and hung up - may have even gotten dial tone. I can't remember what it sounded like exactly but I knew - I think she told me she was going to - and she told me when she unblocked it.

Can I ask why you want to know?

 

[Pinga]

i'm curious. My Dad has struggled getting hold of someone, and just dawned on me, maybe they blocked him.

 

[Pinga]

Kimmio, I have a family member who has made it difficult at times for just about everyone. I know the hard work it takes for people to stay in this person's life, and also the damage done to those who have fallen victim. I understand your desire for detachment for your own sanity.

 

[Luce NDs]

Jae's brother is a doctor ...
My wife as retr'd nurse said surgical doctors knot for exercise to the fingers ...

Now if Jae could break the ice maybe he'd get some fresh dry socks and we could put this in the sock string ... and all would be pearled together neatly ...

 

[Jaebius]

Got the word from my mom today that my brother Dr. Rae is coming home to Toronto this summer.