estranged family members
- Thread starter Tabitha
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Not sure if I understand your question completely but I think I would view it as emotional mind vs wise mind. It's ok to feel/think the way you do but you need to check-in with your true self as to what the appropriate actions might be.
Carolla
wondering & wandering
- Pronouns
- She/Her/Her
I'd feel sad too Nancy. Sounds like your prayer will have healing at its heart.
My husband's two uncles had a falling out over business many decades ago & the two families grew up with a "don't speak to so & so" ethos, but both spoke with my husband's family. At funerals though, most would arrive - and the cousins of my husband's generation all spoke graciously with one another, which was great to see.
Lastpointe
Well-Known Member
That. Is sad to hearNancy. Perhaps the funeral of your aunt can be the beginning of new relationships.
So often, what seems to important doent seem quite so important with death.
Perhaps you will be surprised and some of the "others" will arrive
So often, what seems to important doent seem quite so important with death.
Perhaps you will be surprised and some of the "others" will arrive
KayTheCurler
Well-Known Member
I have always viewed funerals as 'church services' and open to all who show up. It is so sad to ignore family members and leave them out completely. Likely we all have some relatives we tolerate because they are family - but would never choose to socialise with in real life. There is, to me, something quite wonderful about seeing a wide range of family members at a funeral. Actually, those occasions are the only time we see many of hubby's relatives - though the quantity of those is declining steadily.
My family had a funeral yesterday that was too far away for me to attend. A nephew died very unexpectedly leaving a wife and two school aged kids. Prior to the funeral I spent a lot of time chatting by phone and email with the rest of the family - originally four kids. Also with the niece-in-law. Today I have received family photos of the event by email and a phone call from each of the three remaining kids (all grown up now, of course, and with kids of their own). It was a very appropriate non religious event with much sharing of love and memories.
My family had a funeral yesterday that was too far away for me to attend. A nephew died very unexpectedly leaving a wife and two school aged kids. Prior to the funeral I spent a lot of time chatting by phone and email with the rest of the family - originally four kids. Also with the niece-in-law. Today I have received family photos of the event by email and a phone call from each of the three remaining kids (all grown up now, of course, and with kids of their own). It was a very appropriate non religious event with much sharing of love and memories.
Nancy
Well-Known Member
Oh...Kay, so sorry for your loss too. One grand daughter has been told not to come to the funeral by my step cousin. The young lady drove here with her mom but will politely stay away so as not to cause problems. She came to support her Dad and her Papa (my uncle and her step-grandfather). There are others who won't come because of various reasons. But, then....surprise....my cousin from New Jersey drove all the way here to be with us! He got an emergency passport yesterday and got up at 2:30 this morning to make the drive. My sisters are transporting him around to see everyone and at my house, I had an assortment of still-warm cookies to offer him. So wonderful to see him!
Pinga
Room for All
That just seems do mean, @Nancy . I do understand hurt and wrongs, but to deny someone to attend a funeral. I just don't get it.
Thankful for pleasant surprises such as your cousins visit. We had some of those as well for my mom's funeral. Her nephew flew in from California, great niece from bc and great nephew from new jersey
The cousins had a great time socializing at the hotel the night before as did a couple of my siblings who were less engaged in my mother's funeral or death for that matter. Ok, yeah, still some emotions there.
Thankful for pleasant surprises such as your cousins visit. We had some of those as well for my mom's funeral. Her nephew flew in from California, great niece from bc and great nephew from new jersey
The cousins had a great time socializing at the hotel the night before as did a couple of my siblings who were less engaged in my mother's funeral or death for that matter. Ok, yeah, still some emotions there.
Tabitha
journeying
so my middle child is still not in contact. She is using my airmiles card when she shops for food once a month so I do know she is ok. She did send an email to her brother through me just before he was hospitalized. She did call him in the hospital. So I know she could contact me if she wanted to. That's the hard bit.
Today I donated her snow globe collection to a grade one class in a needy school. The students are fascinated by them, and I'm glad they have a good home.
I'm taking over her room as a sewing room and slowly moving out her stuff. It's been 2 years. I am saving a small amount of precious things but not keeping the room as a shrine.
Today I donated her snow globe collection to a grade one class in a needy school. The students are fascinated by them, and I'm glad they have a good home.
I'm taking over her room as a sewing room and slowly moving out her stuff. It's been 2 years. I am saving a small amount of precious things but not keeping the room as a shrine.
PilgrimsProgress
Well-Known Member
Tabby, I've just read this thread - sorry I haven't been in touch sooner......
Re Daniel - From my own experience, when a person has a depressive episode they often can't cope with anyone who is close to them. It's a time of extreme pain and overwhelming emotion. There is often guilt and self-loathing involved, and consequently they can't handle kindness or love coming from those close to them.
It's fight or flight. Some avoid, some lash out aggressively - both demonstrate self-loathing........
Of course, for those that love them, this is a very painful and worrying experience.
The good thing for him, and you as his Mum, was that he reached out to the medical folks for help.
I remember when I was in my twenties Mum visiting me in hospital - despite me telling the staff I didn't want to see her. I told her then in person.
To this day, I remember seeing her with tears in her eyes. She handed me a house key and said, "This is for when you feel well enough for a visit."
Those of us who have a depressive illness owe our families a lot - we're often not easy people to love...........
Re Daniel - From my own experience, when a person has a depressive episode they often can't cope with anyone who is close to them. It's a time of extreme pain and overwhelming emotion. There is often guilt and self-loathing involved, and consequently they can't handle kindness or love coming from those close to them.
It's fight or flight. Some avoid, some lash out aggressively - both demonstrate self-loathing........
Of course, for those that love them, this is a very painful and worrying experience.
The good thing for him, and you as his Mum, was that he reached out to the medical folks for help.
I remember when I was in my twenties Mum visiting me in hospital - despite me telling the staff I didn't want to see her. I told her then in person.
To this day, I remember seeing her with tears in her eyes. She handed me a house key and said, "This is for when you feel well enough for a visit."
Those of us who have a depressive illness owe our families a lot - we're often not easy people to love...........
Pinga
Room for All
Tabitha, thankful for oldest son being present with you. Hoping that youngest son is healing and gaining strength and wisdom during his time apart. Thinking of middle child who is finding a way through life right now (we hope).
I think it is smart to transform room. You can put all your sewing stuff in there and then work when ever you wish to. How nice is that? Then again, my oldestson will come home next week, and find we about to give away most of his "keeper" toys -- lego / GI Joes, and totally transformed his room. I think having a house that isn't big has helped us to make the transition. (It also needed doing...the room was tired)
I think it is smart to transform room. You can put all your sewing stuff in there and then work when ever you wish to. How nice is that? Then again, my oldestson will come home next week, and find we about to give away most of his "keeper" toys -- lego / GI Joes, and totally transformed his room. I think having a house that isn't big has helped us to make the transition. (It also needed doing...the room was tired)
KayTheCurler
Well-Known Member
Hugs Tabitha - so much pain.
Carolla
wondering & wandering
- Pronouns
- She/Her/Her
And you know, we never stop loving you ... hard as it can be.
Carolla
wondering & wandering
- Pronouns
- She/Her/Her
Hugs Tabitha. It's so difficult for me to understand the cutting off of communication - has happened to me with several family members too ... it's just such a foreign thing to me. Although I do appreciate Pilgrim's comments of explanation.
I was saying to someone at work today ... it's definitely December ... so much starts to bubble up at this time of year.
I was saying to someone at work today ... it's definitely December ... so much starts to bubble up at this time of year.
Pinga
Room for All
I had forgotten about this thread. It says a lot that having my one sibling phone me to say that I was specifically asked to not attend what was described as the "family potluck for your brother being in town". As I reflected, it was one sibling who has been a driver of discord for decades , the travelling brother who has little family association, and their children, grandchildren. So....putting some space from the event and time for reflection on who organized, the relationships of those invited, made me accept it for what it was...just one more of many games played.
As it is, I wasn't planning on having everyone over for any reason (decided not to try to cram it in this weekend), so...life is easy and I will have more time between now and then to accept it for what it is...and go about my normal approach which is to invite everyone to every event.
As it is, I wasn't planning on having everyone over for any reason (decided not to try to cram it in this weekend), so...life is easy and I will have more time between now and then to accept it for what it is...and go about my normal approach which is to invite everyone to every event.
Seeler
Well-Known Member
Actually Tabitha I remember one theory that people would actually rather be abused than ignored.
This may explain why some children act up when their parents are busy or distracted - the kids are craving attention but only get it when they misbehave and a scolding or a cuff at least lets them know that their parents are aware of them. It also may explain why some children seem to attract bullying -- they may say 'Go aaway anda leave me alone' but if their classmates do just that - go awaay and ignore them - before long they are there on the fringes, being annoying and attracting attention. Negative attention is better than no attention.
Solitary confinement is the worst form of punishment.
Lack of interaction drives people to despairation.
People begging on the streets would rather be shouted at than ignored as through they didn't even exist.
This may explain why some children act up when their parents are busy or distracted - the kids are craving attention but only get it when they misbehave and a scolding or a cuff at least lets them know that their parents are aware of them. It also may explain why some children seem to attract bullying -- they may say 'Go aaway anda leave me alone' but if their classmates do just that - go awaay and ignore them - before long they are there on the fringes, being annoying and attracting attention. Negative attention is better than no attention.
Solitary confinement is the worst form of punishment.
Lack of interaction drives people to despairation.
People begging on the streets would rather be shouted at than ignored as through they didn't even exist.
The outward persona of the brain-mind couple can somnolently lead to bode an reactivity ... and ridiculous reaction ... if you don't have to possession to sit back; listen, observe and learn how not to react ... be responsive lead to responsibility! By that one step removed some right into it will take the agenda that you're and outlander ... perhaps ... perhaps snot ... phlogiston ? Tis a slimy metaphor to those that haven't taken the observation of the Exclusion Prin. Then there is the other polity that will be tack'n this to the other extreme ... a barn door where they'd like to nail your hide?
Family can often be like that ... they take liberty to the extremes ... polity correct? Me think snotty ... sort of like a high noon sole ... stuck right under foot like that's tracks in the san' ... gritty?
My brother Dr. Rae called my Mom a couple of days ago to wish her a Happy Birthday. That was good to see.
A number of us have invited him to come home to Toronto/Oakville for Christmas, but he has declined our invitations.
He has offered that he may come home sometime in summer of. 16.
A number of us have invited him to come home to Toronto/Oakville for Christmas, but he has declined our invitations.
He has offered that he may come home sometime in summer of. 16.