estranged family members

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Seeler said:
Is there a difference between being estranged and just growing apart?
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I think so. There's also a difference between not seeing each other often. Not seeing each other often - the relationship can still be a good one, a great deal of catching up just tends to happen all at once. Growing apart - there's no major conflict, if you run into one another, or get the chance to see each other the relationship isn't strained, it just isn't a close one. Estranged - seeing each other would be awkward for at least one person, there is conflict.
 
I agree with chemgal.
I see my parents yearly and usually both sisters the same. Nieces and nephews - the BC ones yearly the Ontario ones every few years.
 
i have realized though what just seems normal for one person, can seem not frequent enough to the person on the other side of the relationship.
 
You made a very important point Pinga. Individuals have various things going on in their lives, and sometimes get caught up in them and don't get around to nurturing relationships. Looking back I recognise that I didn't contact my parents regularly (sometimes I let a month or more go by without writing to them). On the other hand - my father never wrote to me and my mother's letters were mostly about the weather.

My adult kids vary in their willingness to stay in touch. One lives far away but phones and posts on FB. We get together when we can, maybe twice a year on average. That set of grandkids occasionally phone to chat about what is happening in their lives. The rest of my kids live nearby. One visits almost daily. One comes to visit frequently, invites us for meals and special events, shares what is happening in their lives, sometimes chats about decision-making (most recently that involves house buying).. One lives a few blocks away and we rarely see each other, and even more rarely see her children. Invitations are regularly turned down in favour of activities with friends.

I love them all.
 
Not estranged - just absent - on the other side of the world.
It's been a year and a half since Seelerboy was home for a brief visit over Christmas and our 50th Anniversary. At that time the plan was for him to come home this summer. But I had a feeling lately - mother's intuition or something - that I shouldn't expect him. He phoned the other night (just before his morning run) and I asked him. No, it is not in his plans --- unless (and I could feel the concern in his voice) was there a particular reason why he should come home. So I reassured him that his sister and her family are all well, and his Dad and I are 'about the same, getting older but still well and active'.
I understand, his life and his girlfriend are over there. His old friends here have gone on with their lives and he has little in common with them anymore (unless his home visit happens to coincide with that of another friend who also teaches internationally). And its a long way, and expensive, to travel.
I understand - but I'm going to miss seeing him - cooking some of his favourite meals - catching up - watching him relate to his niece and nephew - playing cards after supper - watching TV together (Go Habs - wasn't that a great game last night) - and just his physical presence in the house. Seelerboy - come home!
I'll get used to it. I'll be visiting my sisters in Ontario for part of the summer.
 
Tabitha, I bet that is hard. I know what it is to be estranged from others. Can't imagine from my children. Take care of yourself.

aaah, Seeler. I can feel your anguish in that "come home".
 
Without getting into too many details - going through a very painful separation. Have lost people on "his side" who I either had gotten close to or looked forward to getting close to. In my daydreams, I guess. I don't have a tight family. Haven't since my own parents divorced. I don't know how to do that, how to be that, I only wish for it but it's an effort and I am awkward at it. I feel insecure about it (maybe for real, good reasons because of my family past - and because I know this can happen if you get too close - nobody really unconditionally loves. There's always a potential for this. I have known that since I was a kid. And so I have trust issues.) He has a tight family. The type that sticks together when someone is in crisis. But if you're out, you're out, I guess. Just like that. And here I am. And I have a wonderful aunt, but I have a parent telling me to "suck it up" and get over it. It doesn't work like that. Everything I hoped for was just dashed overnight and my best friend is gone - with his things left behind and there's a huge hole in my heart. We've been through so much and he hit a wall, or hit bottom too. He's gone to the shelter of his own family for awhile - he doesn't know how long. They live far away. I understand, he needs their support through his own journey, and that's his soft landing spot - but it hurts me like hell. I feel very alone, even though I do have a few people who I know love me. One that I can talk to anytime, she said. But I don't want to dump myself on her everyday, either. She says it's ok. ...being estranged, feels strange, and painful.

I'm just grieving and had to get that out. There is no easy way to go through this.
 
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Yes Kimmio I do remember my early days of separation-the grief at the loss of dreams the "happy ever after" gone The tears-the days I thought I just couldn't go on, but in the end life went on It is a tough thing to go through.
 
Kimmio said:
I'm just grieving and had to get that out. There is no easy way to go through this.
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No. There isn't.

Knowing that it is important not to panic. While grief feels like quicksand there is a bottom and if you can find a way to be still you can survive it.

You will also need a friend of some sort. Even if the best they can manage is to tell you that you are not alone and eventually you will be okay.
 
Kimmio said:
It's sucks really bad when the person you would normally talk to about feelings of loss and grief, is the one who left you grieving.
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Yes, it does. It sucks big time.

Kimmio said:
I'm not good at this.
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Who would want to be?

You don't need to excel at grieving. You merely need to be mediocre at surviving. It doesn't matter if you come out smelling like roses all that matters is that one day you come out. In the midst of that grief it is often difficult working up the energy to care about anything else. That comes in time. It feels like forever it actually happens sooner.

Right now survival mode comes to the fore. Do you have protection (shelter of the physical and emotional kind) even if it is slight it is something. Do you know your location (where are you physically and mentally, where do you want to be? Do you know the way between the two?) If you do not know the way or it is to difficult stay put. It is safer. Are you able to look after your immediate needs for sustenance? Acquiring food and drink for your body and your psyche? Once you have all of that secure you can get a lay of the land and chart a course to where you want to be.

You will need to be patient with yourself and remember, panic kills. Stay calm there is a way forward and a way out even if you can not see or feel it at the moment.
 
Kimmio, I wish I could offer more than a virtual hug or I could wave a magical virtual wand that would make it all go away, but I can't. Often we fault the world of cyberspace and the web as a cold place of disconnect, yet why do I feel I know you? Many times you have opened up here with your passions,hopes and dreams and it saddens me to learn that you have been betrayed by someone you love. It really does suck, as you say, sometimes the simplest word is so profound. Important people leave us and we are sucked into the vacuum that they leave behind. Someone else tells you to "suck it up"... as if you have a choice. Often we are told, "take care of yourself", but what if you're that person that always takes care of and nurtures others, which I suspect you are? Suddenly, you find yourself wondering, "where is everybody" when it's your turn to be nurtured, held and allowed to cry. Everyone needs a "rock" or a friend to lean into at times, and I urge you to do that. Let yourself be taken care of by those that offer. (your friend that loves you and that says you can go and talk to her anytime). And don't forget us here at WC when you're feeling overwhelmed , there are many ears here willing to listen....mine included.
 
I have a roof over my head and groceries. Was going to get to a support group. There's one tonight. My aunt has offered to send me out for a visit in July and do a road trip back to Bc which which would be fun but also sad because we had talked not long ago about my husband and I doing a similar trip to see her this summer. Still, she is very loving and supportive, moreso than my own parents. My roommate/ good friend is more tough about these things in her own life and more apt to say "good riddance to him he was bringing you down" - and she has a work crisis of her own going on - but she is here and she's made me dinner or picked stuff up for me a few times. She's trying to get me to watch movies with her but I have zero attention span. I thought about going to church but didn't get up in time.

Thanks for your support here, everyone.
 
Kimmio said:
I have a roof over my head and groceries.
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Thats the P and the A elements accounted for.

Get the L and the N elements and you have a PLAN. With a Plan you can survive just about anything.

Kimmio} [FONT=Open Sans said:
"good riddance to him he was bringing you down"

I have zero attention span.

I thought about going to church but didn't get up in time.
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Respectfully this manner of thinking is defeatist.

The first because it suggests you were incapable of seeing how the relationship you are now grieving was actually an impediment. Learn from the the relationship all that you can and jettison all that doesn't teach you anything about yourself or what you are capable of.

Your attention spam is not zero. It is distracted. Learn to deal with the distractions and you will be paying closer attention to what needs attending to.

So you didn't get to church this morning. How can you change that so next week you aren't lamenting the same thing?[/FONT]
 
I agree with revjohn, but might I suggest, pick one thing for now and focus on doing that for now. Then add another, as you regain your strength. So if you missed church, maybe your one thing could be to go to the support group tonight, even if your body attends and your mind is somewhere else, you can just sit and listen. Would your friend go with you?
 
Well, I could call someone I know from church and let them know what's going on, and ask for a wake up call or maybe even a ride to church. A ride, these days, would get me up and getting ready. I could ask my friend/ roommate to come, although she hasn't been in a church since the wedding. She might be willing to go with me next week to get me there until I have a routine.

And beyond that - I do have people. Maybe it feels like I don't because I'm all tied up in him and his stuff. And my aunt is so cool and wise and really easy to talk to. She wants to stop off between Manitoba to BC to connect with relatives I haven't seen since I was a teenager, and help me feel connected to my own roots. And I have WC although it is a bit of an addiction, it is also a place where I can find good people.

I'm moving through all the stages of grief all at once. One minute the pain and the sadness and anger is all welled up, the next minute I am feeling acceptance and a sense of freedom to get my own life going without worrying about him.




 
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