Successful PArent???

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I should add...not sure I mentioned...but while my leg was broken and I was only doing bird baths...thorough. I wasn’t comfortable with the male attendant the community services sent, so I had honed the art of sponge bathing (twice a day) and washing my hair in the sink, as I got used to my broken leg. I was quite clean. That’s normal for many people in the world anyway. My mom had already decided their upstairs bathroom should not look like a hospital, so the bath bench was moved downstairs but the shower head wouldn’t move, it was rusted in place and the bottles keeping the shower curtain in place from the vacuum that was created by the force and direction of the water were dangerous, always falling in. And water would get on the floor. I asked for a hand held shower head, to control the spray better, that I would pay for...no. One day my mother decided that she and my stepdad should give me a shower, just because she thought it was best. I was clean, I repeat. I am an adult and conscientious about hygiene. I said, no, they actually argued with me - and I may have told them to F off - they told me my ungrateful defiance makes me difficult to live with! My step dad goes along with my mom because she pushes him around too. She tells her friends how difficult I am! It’s insane. Finally I argued for the shower head and they replaced it...no they were not giving me a shower, like a dog. But that is the sort of thing, in their mind, makes me “difficult”.

There are bad parents who get away with it.
 
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Northwind said:
I like your post Kimmio.



An adult child isn't to blame for what happened to them in the past. The adult is responsible for finding ways to move forward somehow.



What if the parent continues to be in denial? Or worse, thinks they did a good job? Is it essential or even necessary to have parental approval before we heal?



That's definitely a possibility. Perhaps even a probability. Sometimes being a threat is a good thing. Make sure you are safe and set boundaries.



Don't hand over your power. I know, easier said than done. It is though, essential.



What if continuing to have contact ends up destroying you? Isn't your health and wellbeing worth fighting for?

It most certainly is not easy.
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I get all this. It’s what I would say to someone in my shoes. Except I am between a rock and a hard place. Physically, I need to be here - I pay rent - until I have somewhere to move to.
 
Kimmio said:
I get it. I went years without seeing my mother. My step dad convinced me to move back “home” where i’d have family support after my husband and I split up because I was close to homeless, our friends were his friends - I stayed with a friend of mine who ended up getting an eviction notice although I had been paying her half the rent - so I couldn’t trust her, and I was really lost...I was a wreck and couldn’t manage. I fought my step dad on moving “home”. I almost went to a shelter instead...really. I had even called up the Salvation Army. But I trusted that he truly cares. Even if I’m not trusting of my mom’s intentions and may never. So, a couple of false starts at rebuilding a new life here...but it’s too close for comfort. I miss being hours away from them! (At one point I went to counselling...while I was looking for a job here. He - or maybe my mother - felt that a few weeks was taking too long so she actually asked him to go down and talk to my counsellor!!! about what was taking so long for me to snap out of grief and get a job! My husband had left and my life was upside down and I was in a different city! Un-f***ing-believable that they did not see that as a problem on their behalf! I told my counsellor and she fully agreed that’s inappropriate (and that I needed to get the hell away from that, too) and she would never do that, or even admit she knows me. This is my mother at her finest. So, I got a place that was only temporary - haven’t been able to find affordable long term housing - broke my leg, had nowhere else to go while it healed, and have had a hard time reestablishing myself since. Not for lack of trying...but geez it is a dysfunctional situation! Can’t blame me for wishing I could sue them all, sometimes, can you?
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Yet as an isolated indeterminate ... the conformist population will condemn you regardless of what you do ... driving a person into the ineffable state (don;t say it; nothing) thus one slips into the world of the unknown idealism ... saying things that other's find mysterious.

However if you speak of and in mystery ... you will be attacked for being strange ... although the biblical context says to deal with strangers with care ... Sam Aryans? They come and go like instants of exposure to past knowledge ... things we are trained to forget ... while in the presence of physical powers ... then there is that damned essence of lost wisdom!

Authoritarian tyrants hate for underfolks to exceed their knowledge of balance ... thus if processing in a conservative world your sure to loose it ...

Then there is the sense of Luke, or the luck of the draw ... in being drawn from presence into the world of God-wisdom .. a far out experience that will heal your injuries of being in present state ... something that we return to if not attaining the point of non-return. Dr Hawking said this was the event horizon of that Black Hole item.

Get over it mortals cannot get an immortal knowledge and wisdom due to excess desires to be determinate. Thus those of us in the indeterminate of uncertain stage (in theory) get a chance to observe the stubborn other half as they destroy their supportive network ... like amon falling into the spider's web ... Charlotte's Vile?

The one is decently consumed to offset that inner essence of Freudian Slip into the go-round of hysterical gnawing ... God's integrated milling over decisions that are pondered out there!

Obviously I made this up from abstracts ... since our leadership doesn't know as evidenced by the soup we're in. Did you encounter the definition of duck soup as a great stewing? Defined as: "an easy task, or someone easy to overcome" thus it is up to the I-thou relativity to come up with independant resolution that we are not allowed to tell the paradigm because they fear strange elements ... all that is left is sacred wisdom about the infinite escape ... a hidden aspiration within the edifice to get peace in Edom! Tis all in sacred word that must be individually deconstructed due to the world we lie in as crete'ns! That should be packed away as crated, saaced ... demos crated ... packaged destinies of God carrying little thoughts? Jinns or gems as hard to unravel as dark gamas and grannies ... as M breaks into pairs of nun ... double negatives? If only we Nous to begin ... thus critical adult a' ration! And we grasp a wee bit of polyamory of the physical gods wishing to scroo' wass all!

And they say i'm sick ... did Jesus non-conform to the mystery ... personification of stuff coming to cognizance?
 
Never tell of altruism as straightforward as determinate conservatives will remain beyond that information ... it must be presented as myth as something that is imaginary in order to slip into the mind of MPD ... the earthy integral of poplace as broken socialistically!

It scares those that wish to rule ... especially those well churched in preservation of sol ... loch it up ... an imaginative pool! Thus unseen and probably "black" as a hue that isn't ... is that inclusive of what's clear? Thus transcended as in essence it couldn't been seen and thus quietly transmuted about the corn of Dedalus ... escesses of addiction to that in the Jar w/o experience of reality ...

It is a pain ... mentally as silent there ... wait for the distant laughter!
 
Kimmio said:
?
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Earlier I mentioned my grandmotherly concern about inflicting diaper rash on my grandson. So, that's where that came from. I don't think we intentionally inflict physical or emotional pain, unless we are parents who are suffering a particular kind of mental illness. (I worked with one such parent when I was a Special Ed teacher -- brutal for the child!)
 
@Kimmio I don't get suing them.

You have not been forced to go live with them .
You are an adult.

I get that situation made it difficult to choose otherwise, but seriously, you had a home to go to, a place with food.

What would you prefer your parents had done, leave you on the street?
 
Living on the street is free choice ... know!

Speak with Geofee ... but then the UCC din't accept him much better than Greta as bearing ideas that would reduce powerful wealth!

Thoughts that are just anon in fixation mode ... out as the wealth effort! Dispose of that ... freedom from reality comes ...
 
Pinga said:
@Kimmio I don't get suing them.

You have not been forced to go live with them .
You are an adult.

I get that situation made it difficult to choose otherwise, but seriously, you had a home to go to, a place with food.

What would you prefer your parents had done, leave you on the street?
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I get that you really don’t get it. That’s all I’m going to say. I will no longer share personal experience here. I’d like for you not to reply to my posts anymore.
 
Kimmio said:
I get all this. It’s what I would say to someone in my shoes. Except I am between a rock and a hard place. Physically, I need to be here - I pay rent - until I have somewhere to move to.
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That is between a rock and a hard place. I hope you find a better option soon.
 
Some believe Street Sense is better and thus the roughing in ... life is like that when the children break free and learn about all the coverups ...
 
We all have choices.

In a simplistic example for wonder café2, we can choose to ignore a comment, we can choose not to read a thread, we can choose to ignore a post or poster.

We can also focus on the positive or seek other positive situations or threads.

We give life to what we give energy to.

You cannot change my behaviour.
You can share how my behaviour or posts make you feel.
You can change your response to my posts.
 
I have friends who fostered. I looked up to them.

Their definition of success was totally based on the child's capabilities.

For one child who had severe foetal challenges, it was getting them to be able to live in a group home.
For another, it was keeping her alive to 25. Sadly, she attempted suicide one too many times.
For another, it was being independent with a job.
They fostered and adopted, and did d work within their human capabilities
 
Our foray into fostering was not particularly successful. We shared our home with a pair of teenaged girls - they are now both dead.

There was a survey trying to find out how successful the inter ethnic adoptions were (Indigenous kids to white parents). If I recall it was considered successful if at a certain age (21 maybe) the adoptee -
Had a basically friendly relationship with the adopting parents
Held, or had held a job
Had completed Grade 10
Was not struggling with alcohol or drugs
Had not spent time in prison.
 
KayTheCurler said:
There was a survey trying to find out how successful the inter ethnic adoptions were (Indigenous kids to white parents). If I recall it was considered successful if at a certain age (21 maybe) the adoptee -
Had a basically friendly relationship with the adopting parents
Held, or had held a job
Had completed Grade 10
Was not struggling with alcohol or drugs
Had not spent time in prison.
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A bit of a low bar but not an unreasonably low one. Even for most kids raised by their biological parents, that standard would not be an unreasonable one.

I imagine families in some social strata would set the bar higher on education, e.g. completing high school and maybe community college/baccalaureate rather than just grade 10, but the rest would still stay pretty much as is.

Then there's the ones hyper-focussed on achievement for whom anything less than a master's and a six figure salary would be considered failure but my perception is that those aren't as common as they sometimes seem, at least in our culture (may be more common in East Asian cultures, though).
 
@KayTheCurler , the children my friends fostered tended to be toddlers and babies, some stayed as foster children with them for years.

I remember one parenting success was when a toddler quit hoarding food. Sad that a wee one had learned to do so. Came from a drug house.
 
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