In sickness and in health until death do us part?

[Mrs.Anteater]

From over 15 years working on an inpatient unit, I would say, family support is still the main support people are getting. Another story is the dynamics that come with changing roles in a relationship.
News articles never show the whole picture. But if you look at this specific story- who is asking why the woman resorts to public shaming over the internet? What does that say about their relationship?

 

[Waterfall]

Personally I dont think we have any business judging anyone unless we are prepared to jump in and help.

 

[jimkenney12]

For the couple in the news story, we know little about the relationship before her preliminary diagnosis. There is also a misunderstanding about marriage vows. Many or most couples do not use the standard vows for their weddings. They usually use words that have a similar meaning, but not the same words.

 

[Mendalla]

For the couple in the news story, we know little about the relationship before her preliminary diagnosis. There is also a misunderstanding about marriage vows. Many or most couples do not use the standard vows for their weddings. They usually use words that have a similar meaning, but not the same words.

And that's not new. Our vows definitely weren't 100% the traditional ones, though I would have to dig out the folder with the service in to know exactly what they were. We did not write our own or anything, but we did use something from a service book of some kind. That was almost 30 years ago.

The sentiment remains the same, though. While I get that some see marriage in more temporary terms now ("as long we both shall love" instead of "...live"), leaving at the other person's lowest point seems rather ... well, low. At least there needs to be some responsibility to make sure the spouse being left is cared for and has support rather than just walking out the door and into someone else's arms.

Personally I dont think we have any business judging anyone unless we are prepared to jump in and help.

I agree up to a point. OTOH, if we really believe that people need to treat each other with caring and respect, do we not have a responsibility to call out when that isn't happening? Especially when a relationship where they pledged to care and support each other is being undone because someone doesn't want to do the hard work needed to provide that care or misses their booty calls? I think it is tough not to be at least somewhat judgmental in that scenario.

That said, I do agree with this:

who is asking why the woman resorts to public shaming over the internet? What does that say about their relationship?

I do not think social media is the best place to hash this stuff out, though I find that increasingly that is exactly what is happening with millennials and Gen Z. It is one thing for people who choose to live in the public eye (actors, singers, politicians) to have their lives hashed out in public. That goes with the territory. It is quite another for ordinary people who don't really even want to be in the public eye to be dragged into it over something like this.

So, yeah, maybe I should find another article that doesn't have that element, but this is the one that caught my eye and inspired the topic.

 

[KayTheCurler]

I heard some time back that men were more likely to leave a partner when sickness entered the picture. I doubt either of us would leave as we have coped with some tough scenarios already.
I know one woman who left the relationship following a traumatic brain injury. However, staying was risking her life due to his lack of control. I know another woman who divorced her long time hubby as he needed full time care and their finances were linked. A divorce meant his money was all that could be claimed for his care, leaving money for her own life.
Without knowing all the details itis hard to judge accurately. I can understand the level of frustration and the loss of life dreams and activities though.

 

[jimkenney12]

I kept thinking about all the men who, when their children are teens or older, dump their wives for much younger women. How many of those men who abandon their wives in a crisis were already preparing to dump them.

The wording of the young man's post suggests he may have already been looking elsewhere and was using her health crisis as a hook for another woman.

 

[Waterfall]

I'm thinking this must be something older people may think about after their spouse dies. " Am I going to date someone who's my own age and run the risk I may have to care for them sooner than later without so many years of commitment behind it?"
I know someone who cared for his wife of 40 years diligently through her Alzheimers and after she died, started dating again a few years later. The woman he chose to date was later diagnosed with Alzheimers too, and he was honest and told her family he just couldnt go through that again. I think they had dated about a year when this happened. I think that was okay to do that.

 

[BetteTheRed]

And I'm thinking with great sadness of my dog-walking friend/neighbour. Jim lost his first wife to cancer some 30 years ago. Now his second wife's cancer has returned and she has been given a terminal diagnosis. It seems terribly unfair.

 

[BetteTheRed]

Once you get to a certain age (like 60s and older), if you're going to start dating again, you may as well accept that it will be more likely to be "in sickness and maybe some health". My new big guy has had a hip replacement, not hugely successfully, so he's often in a fair bit of pain, and doesn't sleep well because of it.

 

[Waterfall]

Once you get to a certain age (like 60s and older), if you're going to start dating again, you may as well accept that it will be more likely to be "in sickness and maybe some health".

Yup!

 

[BetteTheRed]

I'm thinking this must be something older people may think about after their spouse dies.

An amusing family story. I was quite close to my Grandma B in England, she visited here often, I visited there often. Once, when I'd reached my late teens and she thought me adult enough for an adult conversation, the following transpired.

Me: "Gran, you were pretty young, like in your sixties, when Grandpa died." (He was about 15-20 older than she; another of those wyrd war interruptions, this one WW1) "Did you ever think of re-marrying?"

Gran: "No, dear, I was not prepared to look after another old man. And I couldn't go through that 'bed business' again".

 

[Waterfall]

An amusing family story. I was quite close to my Grandma B in England, she visited here often, I visited there often. Once, when I'd reached my late teens and she thought me adult enough for an adult conversation, the following transpired.

Me: "Gran, you were pretty young, like in your sixties, when Grandpa died." (He was about 15-20 older than she; another of those wyrd war interruptions, this one WW1) "Did you ever think of re-marrying?"

Gran: "No, dear, I was not prepared to look after another old man. And I couldn't go through that 'bed business' again".

OMG, I just spit out my coffee!

 

[KayTheCurler]

In a similar fashion....my sister left her husband. One of my kids asked her if she missed having a man around to do the 'man things'. She smiled and said "No. The things I can't do myself I pay someone else to do for me. I have a computer guy, and a mechanic, don't need much else". My kid then got to her main point "But don't you ever get, you know, um, randy?" "Yep" replied Sis "and that is easily remedied in private."

 

[Mendalla]

I'm thinking this must be something older people may think about after their spouse dies. " Am I going to date someone who's my own age and run the risk I may have to care for them sooner than later without so many years of commitment behind it?"

I am the younger spouse by a good chunk. So there's a non-zero chance that I am going to be one left standing (though given how long her parents lived, there's no guarantee of that). And I am not sure I would even "date" again. There would need to be a really good connection. And "marry" (in quotes because I would include living together in a committed way) again? Probably not. A good friend, maybe with "benefits", would probably be enough. But never say never, I guess. I just saw what a hash Dad made of his first remarriage after Mom died and that kind of got me thinking about what I would do if we got left alone like that (Mom died suddenly at 58).

 

[jimkenney12]

A major change in life like the death of a spouse makes us new persons emotionally, physically, and mentally. I am not prepared to predict what the new me would want to do if B dies before I do.

 

[Mendalla]

A major change in life like the death of a spouse makes us new persons emotionally, physically, and mentally. I am not prepared to predict what the new me would want to do if B dies before I do.

I am not prepared to predict with certainty but given my circumstances and my experience with Dad, I am certainly prepared to give it some thought, which could then affect that outcome.

 

[Luce NDs]

I'm thinking this must be something older people may think about after their spouse dies. " Am I going to date someone who's my own age and run the risk I may have to care for them sooner than later without so many years of commitment behind it?"
I know someone who cared for his wife of 40 years diligently through her Alzheimers and after she died, started dating again a few years later. The woman he chose to date was later diagnosed with Alzheimers too, and he was honest and told her family he just couldnt go through that again. I think they had dated about a year when this happened. I think that was okay to do that.

My dad was on that line ... after leaving one set of family when he was younger. I wonder what effect it has on the autonomous mind that drives us towards a distracting isolationism. Such drives abandum celebrity status for the celibate mood as sacred in the great forest of unknowns ... Magi they say ...

When there hoop it up like those strange sounds during the rut they are in ... wool-overs? Consider the dogs of Rome and the lies they told about isolationism so they could separate and conquer ... thus the collapsing empiric! I remain out there ... intangible? Its my way ... the etude of the multitude in Us ol ... unresolved conflicts? Will the damn thing fuse, or explode? Watch the sparkler ...

 

[BetteTheRed]

And honestly, there are differing levels of commitment. A couple who have lived together intimately for 60 years and raised children together and grandchildren, and buried all the parents, are a very different thing to people in 'couples' who have been married or cohabited or been long term friends with benefits, with two or three (or more) people; serial monogamy, as it were.

 

[Kimmio Laughterlove]

Serial monogamy has negative connotations because it really refers to when people are so insecure after a relationship ends in death or divorce or break up - and their insecurity immediately leads them to jump into the next one without grieving or learning about their own emotional baggage or mistakes or bad habits, etc before getting involved again. They just need an instant replacement. In some cases there’s overlap.

It’s not about everybody who’s had more than one significant other because a relationship ended. They may have had no choice in the matter - it doesn’t make them less solid or less committal or less decent people. Or maybe it was mutual - regardless, if they take some time to heal and learn before getting involved again I don’t think it’s serial monogamy.

 

[Luce NDs]

I recall hearing a sermon a long time ago about the line: until death do us part ... and the obscure thought about a dying love leaving nothing but reason and rationale holding a pair together for ... other than blind emotions!

If one stands back an observes a couple in a non rational relationship ... might it turn violent, hostile and fulminating? Abstract a river of floating ruins ...

Stuff that a new item grows from because of the imperfection of the physical ideals ... perfection only exists in the abstract thing, sometimes called psyche. Many cannot conjure up such an image to pursue ...

It is said with experience a mined can be constructed to hold many varieties of sentient things inclusive of the unconscious variety that cause pain and stress to the body of mankind (populace) so as to allow awakening or even Revelations of things to come if they do not sharpen up ...

This is sometimes called apocalyptic as a common man falling off a high horse ...

Such stories are related in many ways to hide and make sacred the processes that big wheels don't wish us to be aware of ... and these wheels turn slowly in the process of the action coming around for re-examination ...

Those going over the rounder more in detail and quickly are despised ... for what they have made extant! The innate does not wish to go there but it happens during the interuption of the obscure in a flash of ... what else insight! It is said to be penetrating item that those valuing war to achieve desires don't see as eliminating much mortal resources ... thus individuals and thoughts are lost in occult domains! (i.e. you can't see them any more).

Generates all the situation needed for the unconscious sort of psyche ... like those rushing into politics with no understanding of misinformation, etc. Thus diffuse ... sadly dissociated gnomons ... potentially anonymous gods of the great unseen ...

If nothing else the occipital zone is great for brewing myths that indicate something other than the zone you were conditioned within ... retain it however ... for when you gat it all together in the future ...

There are words for that event that are also said to be ineffable ... perhaps a god-like event when you are converted to mere essence ...

I requested a copy of CS Lewis' Mere Christianity yesterday for future reference and reading into ... imagine such Mere stuff being seen as Mare, Marah or Mire ... as foundational metaphor! The thing is expansive ... to the point of hyperbole ... a literary device!

Do not trash the literature at any time ... it holds hidden and sacred lessons ... superficially it cannot be seen in the shadows of the great pool ... at least in some abstractions ...