His name was Harry

[Davyc]

How do you grieve for someone you never got the chance to know, never grew up with to see how they would turn out and never know how they may have influenced your own life?

My brother died when he was seven years old, barely scratching the surface of a life he would never come to realise. I was two years old at the time, so memories of my brother are vague and fleeting. Sixty years later and I find myself grieving for the brother I never got to know.

It’s not the immediate and impacting grief that someone would experience from losing someone close, such as a mother, father, grandmother, etc. this was a slow burning grief that only showed its face recently. As I was clearing out for a house move, I discovered a little package of items that were unknown to me; it was several schoolwork books, letters of condolence and items that my brother had made along with some of his Cubs and Scout objects. There was also a double wallet photo book with two amazing photos of my brother.

Alone and looking over these amazing slices of a time gone by, there was a tug at my heart, and I knew there was grief in the air. Grief for a brother I never got to grow up with, grief for wondering how he would have turned out, grief for wondering what, if any, influence he would have played in shaping my own life. There was also grief for my mother to have suffered the pain of losing a child for so many decades until her passing.

I knew of my brother but did not know my brother. Finding these items gave me a glimpse of his early life and achievements and based on what I discovered I just knew my brother would have grown up to be a good person and we would have been best of friends.

My only recollection and memory of my brother was when he had just started school and my mother was telling me that it would be my turn soon. I wasn’t happy at the prospect, bear in mind I was only two years old at the time, and my brother put his arm around me and said, “don’t worry, I’ll look after you”. How strange that in those two years in my life and the seven years in my brother’s, that is all I can recall.

My mother and father never spoke about my brother, or even told me of these amazing items in a treasure trove of memories existing. I guess it was a painful topic for them and they did not want to revisit those times. It’s a shame that they could not tell me about my brother as I would have loved to have known more about him. I was too timid to ask for fear of causing upset, so I steered clear of the subject; more fool me in hindsight.

So, seeing my brother’s little treasure trove, reading the condolences and telegrams from family, friends and schoolteachers, seeing the items he had made for the Christmas tree and all the other amazing items that told a story of a young boy who was never to be; it brought a tear to my eye and an ache in my heart. Even finding out that his birthday was on September 6th was a revelation to me – I buy a birthday card now and say a little prayer to let his Spirit know that I am thinking of him, even after all these years.

My brother’s name was Harry, and he is now a part of my life, even if only in Spirit and for those wonderful items I found by chance; they say that everything happens for a reason, finding out a little about my brother must have been meant to be. I feel a better and humbler person for that find.

Grief is a very personal experience, and it knows no time – it can be fleeting, or it can last a lifetime. Remembering is the best and the worst of those times, it can lift your Spirits, or it can break your heart over and over and over again, but I would not swap those feelings or the experience of grief for anything as it has made me recognise that nothing and no one should ever be taken for granted.

Finding my brother has helped me to find a part of me that was missing; for two years I lived alongside with my brother, for a lifetime and beyond I will love him always.

 

[Waterfall]

What a beautiful tribute to your brother.
I wonder sometimes about our long forgotten memories and how they sometimes move into the forefront as we grow older. Is it because now we have the time for reflection, coupled with the experience of a lifetime that enables us to make more sense of it all?
It's sort of like reading the Bible again, and yet it feels like it's the first time when you approach it with a different level of understanding.
I've been on many journeys similar to the one you are on right now and have been amazed at the comfort and insights that come out of it....some have rocked my world.
Did you say you have other living siblings? They may also hold memories of Harry you may like to hear.
Sometimes the dead create a path to the living.

 

[Davyc]

I wonder sometimes about our long forgotten memories and how they sometimes move into the forefront as we grow older. Is it because now we have the time for reflection, coupled with the experience of a lifetime that enables us to make more sense of it all?

I would agree with this wholeheartedly - when you're too busy filling up your life with experiences, other (often important) things get put on a backburner, but quite often when they come to the fore they can do so with a monumental thump that makes you wonder why they were put on the backburner.

In my case, I believe a lot of it had to do with the fact that my mum (and in particular my dad) never raised the subject; my mum did in her last years which started me thinking and then when mum passed away and I found that little treasure trove of a glimpse into the past of my brother's short life it all came home to me what I had missed out on.

Did you say you have other living siblings? They may also hold memories of Harry you may like to hear.

I have an estranged sister, whether she is still alive I have no idea. I have doubts as to whether she would have anything to say that I would want to hear as she is (was?) selfish beyond words. An example would be that my mum would give her and my brother some money to split between them and go to the shop and get something they liked - candy, or the like. My sister would see something she wanted that was more than her half, but would buy it anyways leaving my brother with either too little to buy something for himself, or more often than not, nothing at all. That is not even the tip of the tip of the proverbial iceberg. These were all events that my mum told me about and more than that which I witnessed myself.

Sometimes the dead create a path to the living.

They do indeed and I believe we should be thankful that this is possible, otherwise I'd have never thought about my brother and all the things that we have both missed out on. If this makes any sense, I 'feel' my brother's presence in my life, albeit from a Spiritual perspective and I know in my heart or hearts that we will be together again, and that is a sensation that brings a warm feeling to my soul and a smile to my face, and sometimes a tear to my eye.

Thank you for responding to my outpouring.

 

[Mendalla]

Lovely story and I am glad you did come to know your brother in a way. There is certainly value in those old artifacts and pictures opening our minds and eyes to what has gone before. We've been scanning our old pre-digital albums so we have backups of the pictures.

The closest I come to your story is my maternal grandmother. While Mom's father was long dead when I was born (dying young was a fate of many in her line, including her), her mother lived just long enough to see me, her first grandchild. I have at least one picture of me as a baby with her. However, she was gone before I was old enough to form any memories of her so I knew only my father's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" with Mom's parents as just people in old pictures.

 

[KayTheCurler]

Amazing posts. Grief, I think, is never over. It can come winging at us from who knows where, and slide away for no real reason. It seems to be handled in different ways too. In the UK I rarely heard anyone talking about their feelings after the funeral was over. Maybe it is the downside to that stiff upper lip? After my Nana died when I was eleven I didn't see my parents cry and I didn't hear anyone sharing stories about her. All I knew was a pain inside and a cheerfulness that rang hollow.

 

[Waterfall]

I have an estranged sister, whether she is still alive I have no idea. I have doubts as to whether she would have anything to say that I would want to hear as she is (was?) selfish beyond words. An example would be that my mum would give her and my brother some money to split between them and go to the shop and get something they liked - candy, or the like. My sister would see something she wanted that was more than her half, but would buy it anyways leaving my brother with either too little to buy something for himself, or more often than not, nothing at all. That is not even the tip of the tip of the proverbial iceberg. These were all events that my mum told me about and more than that which I witnessed myself.

Not to be intrusive, but what if you now got to know your sister for who she is now, with the benefit of your years of wisdom and understanding?
Often the narratives we cling to keep us from creating new ones.
I apologize if I've overstepped your boundaries.

 

[Davyc]

Not to be intrusive, but what if you now got to know your sister for who she is now, with the benefit of your years of wisdom and understanding?
Often the narratives we cling to keep us from creating new ones.
I apologize if I've overstepped your boundaries.

You haven't overstepped at all and I appreciate your input. Unfortunately you do not have the benefit of knowing my sibling as well as I do and all of the horrible things that she had done over her lifetime, some of them horrid, some totally despicable and many unforgivable. Her own offspring are the same, selfish to the core and only think of themselves - manipulative, scheming, lying and totally unappreciative of anything anyone does for them. Without turning this topic into a resume of her acts and those of her brood, I will just say that I pity anyone who has the misfortune to actually cross their path. It's truly a sad thing, but as with many things it is what it is and I have no feelings or affinity towards her and have no desire to. Whilst forgiveness is a Spiritual act and I do my best to be as Spiritual as I can, I am hamstrung by the very feelings and emotions that make us who we are and there are some things that, in this world, transcend even forgiveness.

 

[Davyc]

Amazing posts. Grief, I think, is never over. It can come winging at us from who knows where, and slide away for no real reason. It seems to be handled in different ways too.

I remember someone saying to me about six months after my mum had passed away "haven't you got over that yet?" I was dumbfounded by the remark and could only think that either this person had never experienced loss and the grief that comes with it, or that they were cold hearted; I gave the benefit of the doubt to the former.

I've often stated, to many different people, that grief can be fleeting or it can last a lifetime. Even though my mum never opened up much about my brother, every now and then she would have a little cry (in her later years) and I would say "are you in pain", "no" would come the reply. I would then go on to say that I hoped it wasn't because of my sibling and her house of horrors, and she would say "no". I would then gently say two words "our Harry" and I'd just get a nod. This was 80 plus years later and the pain of grief was still there. There is no time constraints on grief, we learn to accept the loss and move forward because we have to, but we never forget and never truly get over the loss.

We Brit's have a reputation for our so-called stiff upper lip, we probably have a genetic inheritance from days gone by when you had to "man up" and not show the hurt you were feeling; possibly nurtured by both pre Victorian and Victorian values; I'm only guessing as I've never researched it - something to put on my very long to-do list lol.

 

[Waterfall]

You haven't overstepped at all and I appreciate your input. Unfortunately you do not have the benefit of knowing my sibling as well as I do and all of the horrible things that she had done over her lifetime, some of them horrid, some totally despicable and many unforgivable. Her own offspring are the same, selfish to the core and only think of themselves - manipulative, scheming, lying and totally unappreciative of anything anyone does for them. Without turning this topic into a resume of her acts and those of her brood, I will just say that I pity anyone who has the misfortune to actually cross their path. It's truly a sad thing, but as with many things it is what it is and I have no feelings or affinity towards her and have no desire to. Whilst forgiveness is a Spiritual act and I do my best to be as Spiritual as I can, I am hamstrung by the very feelings and emotions that make us who we are and there are some things that, in this world, transcend even forgiveness.

I understand,...hugs.

 

[Luce NDs]

In these cases it is not what we know that counts, but what we don't know ... yet many will deny they are not definitely in the know (or no; as the negative may imply)! The negative may be a hole in the entire impression ...

Have faith in the vast deficiency ... indicating something else again ... if tongue twisting it can be mind bending ...