Thanks for all your thoughts.
I will admit I thought a lot about Paradox's comment about oversharing last evening. It hadn't felt that way at my end - perhaps because I had shared with my husband that I was talking about what happened here at WC - and he was okay with that. In fact he thought talking about the situation with people might help us sort out how to do it differently next time. We've also been unpacking what happened at our end and I've been incorporating some of the helpful feedback from this community.
Interestingly I felt that WC2 was one of the few places I could talk more openly. I wouldn't have shared this stuff on a more public forum like FB, nor would I have chatted about what was happening with most people in my personal life - they know the people involved and I don't want to create any drama. For example, I haven't talked about this with my mother, or sister, or even close friends. I liked the idea of talking, and yes, venting, with a group of friends who I knew and trusted to be honest but compassionate, but who were also removed from my personal life in such a way that there wasn't any real possibility of overlapping. You guys don't know the players involved, but you do know me. As well, despite this being an open forum, we're a pretty small community these days. So this really did feel like venting to friends who were removed enough from my daily life that it was safe, but were "close" enough to feel they could be honest.
In the end John hit the nail on the head. What happened wasn't that unusual, it was that December was a pressure cooker for me. As a result, things I would have normally just shrugged my shoulders over, pushed me to the edge. I am just as much to blame as anyone else.
Once my MIL's house no longer functioned as the family gathering spot, ours did. And I think my in-laws (the siblings) see our place as an extension of their family home - the sort where you come as go as you please, and do what you need to do, without worrying too much about feeling like a guest. In fact I don't really think they see themselves as guests. I have always found that a bit difficult, but I normally just roll with it because the relationships are important and the visits are usually only for a short time. These are good people who are important to us and that is worth more to me than a week or two here and there where I felt mildly "taken for granted" or inconvenienced. They have always seen me as a caregiver who juggled the family responsibilities, as well as stuff outside the home. There have always been times when I wasn't able to be part of family activities. As John said, in their eyes this December wasn't different, nor do I think they felt they were actively excluding me. And while I communicated my feelings to my husband, I didn't talk with them. These relationships are complicated and I need to take more responsibility for talking about what I can do and not do with the broader group, not dumping it on my husband.
On the whole talking about it here was been really helpful. I could initially vent my anger and frustration and then move to a more constructive conversation with people who would help me do that. The ensuring conversation is forcing me think a little more intentionally about what happened and about how I might put some boundaries in place moving forward so it doesn't happen again - particularly given the complexity of Matthew's adult care. What I don't want is at some point to loose my cool so that I hurt someone I care about. But I also don't want to put myself in positions where I become some weird martyr to the family cause.
And yeah, I apologized to my husband for dumping on him. Though he admits that because it is his family it puts me in an awkward spot at times and that he could be more intentional about directing conversations in such a way so that I am consulted, not informed, about decisions.
