That's part of the work & the choices, right? It's a challenge for sure!
The choice isn't always clearly delineated and can be a lifelong work in progress. To truly fix a dysfunctional relationship involves both/ all parties to the dysfunction. That may not ever be possible, but with distance and time and work one can experience some degree of personal healing.
Sometimes, if one find themselves within arms length of the toxicity again, they need a bit of a do-over. It’s a lifelong process.
Yup, Pinga. Yup. I know. You act like I don’t know any of this. I do have a chip on my shoulder, I admit. There are complexities. I just want to say that not every adult child with dysfunction is to blame for their struggles. Not every dysfunctional adult is an addict or not trying. And maybe some young adults start drinking to avoid pain in their families, to escape the pain of emotional abuse...and get scapegoated? What if they learn bad coping mechanisms from the parent themselves but the parent is in denial. What if the parent is more the “difficult child” in private but they are the dominant gregarious personality in public?
I get it. I went years without seeing my mother. My step dad convinced me to move back “home” where i’d have family support after my husband and I split up because I was close to homeless, our friends were his friends - I stayed with a friend of mine who ended up getting an eviction notice although I had been paying her half the rent - so I couldn’t trust her, and I was really lost...I was a wreck and couldn’t manage. I fought my step dad on moving “home”. I almost went to a shelter instead...really. I had even called up the Salvation Army. But I trusted that he truly cares. Even if I’m not trusting of my mom’s intentions and may never. So, a couple of false starts at rebuilding a new life here...but it’s too close for comfort. I miss being hours away from them! (At one point I went to counselling...while I was looking for a job here. He - or maybe my mother - felt that a few weeks was taking too long so she actually asked him to go down and talk to my counsellor!!! about what was taking so long for me to snap out of grief and get a job! My husband had left and my life was upside down and I was in a different city! Un-f***ing-believable that they did not see that as a problem on their behalf! I told my counsellor and she fully agreed that’s inappropriate (and that I needed to get the hell away from that, too) and she would never do that, or even admit she knows me. This is my mother at her finest. So, I got a place that was only temporary - haven’t been able to find affordable long term housing - broke my leg, had nowhere else to go while it healed, and have had a hard time reestablishing myself since. Not for lack of trying...but geez it is a dysfunctional situation! Can’t blame me for wishing I could sue them all, sometimes, can you?
