estranged family members

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Kids and cooking - at one time both my offspring worked at the same IT company - a friendly place that often held pot-luck dinners or chili con carne cooking contests.
Every so often my son would phone: "Mom, can I borrow your food processer (blender, crock pot)." "Mom, what's cilantro?" and he would tell me what recipe he was cooking up and how he was sometimes up half the night putting it together.
Our daughter was living at home at the time and I noticed that she never seemed to be cooking like that. I asked and she explained "I generally just pick up a salad at the Superstore on my way to work."
 
Hmmm ... family recipe book ... nice idea there for next Christmas! Combine with some cooking stories maybe ... you've got me thinking now :)
 
Do you find that people are using the computer more than cook books? Every recipe under the sun.
 
@Tabitha I am so sorry to read this. I am sending you kind thoughts. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. I like the fact that you keep reaching out - at least they know they're loved and thought about - that's what matters in the long run.
 
Pinga said:
Mrs. Anteater, your comment re writing out all the wise things reminds me about a behaviour that I don't recommend.
In going through my Dad's special papers looking for a legal document, I found a letter written to someone to be given to them after his death. I asked him about it and sure enough it was full of all the times they had hurt him. ugh. Not recommended.
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I agree, Pinga, I would never want to receive or find something like that from those that I love.

But I do wish when I was cleaning out my mom's place that I found a "love" letter from my parents. My parents were very, very vocal with their love for me - always told me they loved me, and wrote it in cards, etc. I have saved cards from my mom (Christmas, Birthday, etc.) that say "I love you with all my heart, Mom". And I treasure those. But I still would have liked a letter . . . perhaps I should sit down and do that with my children. I would never send a letter or leave a letter with things that weren't loving or positive, though.
 
ChemGal said:
Maybe this is wrong, but it made me laugh. It's kind of the opposite of what some people recommend, write everything down that's bugging you and then burn it or whatever.
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Several years ago, when our son was a young adult and dealing with some real life messes he had gotten himself into, he did some things that hurt my hubby and I. He didn't say things to hurt us, but withheld some things from us that he should have been honest with us about. When I found out these things later, I was really, really hurt. I wrote him a letter . . . but I didn't send it right away . . . I wanted to . . . but for some reason I held back (thank goodness) . . . while it was not the world's most awful letter, when I went and reread it to send at a later date, I hesitated. So I didn't send it. A few months later I went back to it again, and was every so thankful I didn't send it. And I took it off my computer and made sure it was deleted and emptied in the trash.

So I agree, if you have to write it for yourself, go ahead, but thing twice, three times, even four, before actually delivering it to someone else.
 
When my mom was facing an operation and cancer treatment she wrote a letter to each of us. I didn't get it until after she was through everything and ok, and I remember wondering why she would write that she regretted not have been able to offer me certain things (like riding lessions or other stuff middle class parents think that their kids should do). I had absolutely not missed any of what she thought she wasn't able to deliver. Later on, I figured out, that my oldest sister has had blamed my mother in the past for not getting these things, so that's where that came from.
 
So much pain here...Heartfelt prayers for you. With my family, it is my much younger brother who has cut ties with my two sisters and me. We have always been a close family, and people have often envied us our relationship. Our brother, 17 years younger, was sickly growing up and was also very precious to us. He nearly died several times, and we went through emotional roller coasters each time. When he was well, we took him shopping, and trick or treating, and other things that older sisters with cars could do. He married someone who decided that she didn't like being part of our family, and she has pulled him away. I see him maybe once a year. At Mom's 80th birthday, he refused to answer any of our planning e-mails, and then came as though he were a guest, not a son. He sees Mom about 4 times a year, and not always on Mother's Day even. There's a lot of bitterness and disbelief in the way this has turned out. Oh ya...and he's rich and successful, but the rest of us are just ordinary, and will never be rich because we tend to give equal to our getting! If he decided to be part of our family again, we would welcome him and his wife, no questions asked. But I can't see that the two of them, and their two children, will ever consider us worthy enough of them. The weird thing is that we have only given to the two of them, never asking in return. And we don't really understand why the sudden turn. Sad.
 
Oh - letters! When my sister and I were clearing out my mother's house after her funeral we found a letter from my dad to my mum. It was written before their wedding in his wonderful, old fashioned script (in real ink). It seems that he got a bit too excited when kissing her goodnight and became overly eager to 'get into her undies' and she wasn't pleased with him. The letter was an abject apology. We found it both old fashioned and touching.

I agree with the earlier comments about writing a letter to express your hurt or pain - it can be very helpful to move some of the feelings out of your body and mind. I also agree that it is rarely a good idea to share it. I have found it useful to burn it ceremoniously as away of 'letting go' though.
 
Thinking about middle child lots this season-the thought I'm holding onto today is that they are wrapped in quilts of love. 2 Christmases ago I gave her a "quilt kit" and with her input we made a quilt-a glow in the dark solar system one. She then picked out a panel and gathered fabric and a year ago June she sewed a king size top under my coaching-and got it quilted and bound it. So they are sleeping under that quilt whatever they are doing!
 
Thinking about you - and your middle child wrapped warmly in a quilt that you shared in the making - with love in every stitch.
 
so I made a fake facebook profile today-used a made up name and my work email. Was able to see middle child's profile. Looks like she is not transitioning but sitting in that in between space- gender neutral. That matches what older son told me. His ex girlfriend and middle child e-mail or see each other about monthly. Oldest son saw this ex over the holidays.

Still wish middlechild would call or email but seeing a recent photo was good.
(as you have probably figured out I'm blocked from FB page under real name-meaning any search turns up nothing)
 
Tabitha, I'm glad you had that small bit of reassurance. I'm sorry you're being blocked out, especially during a time when you would want to be there to help.
 
I'm glad you could at least have a peek at her FB profile and know that she is safe.

Can anyone "broker" a meeting for you - even if it is with a counsellor/mediator? My heart breaks for you - I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I am sending you kind (and warm) thoughts this morning.
 
Ok so I am miffed with my sister, parents and neice. My neice from Ontario flew out to AB to see her "cousins". My younger sister heard about it and asked if the cousin included middle child . Yup. So younger sister mentioned it to me.

It would explain why older sister sent me a link of a CBC trans article recently. I wrote her a response and explained that the estrangement is actually very painful for me -and trans wasn't the issue. I just described some of my feelings.She wrote back and apologized for being insenstive in sending the link. My response -the link wasn't insensitive. Not telling me of your daughters visit was insensitive.

I might as well name it. So now I feel I need to filter what I tell my parents and this sister-as they are keeping info form me.

This is written a week after I heard. At the time I was upset enough that I had a long cry.

I'm feeling more resilient today but the hurt remains.
 
Tabitha said:
Ok so I am miffed with my sister, parents and neice. My neice from Ontario flew out to AB to see her "cousins". My younger sister heard about it and asked if the cousin included middle child . Yup. So younger sister mentioned it to me.

It would explain why older sister sent me a link of a CBC trans article recently. I wrote her a response and explained that the estrangement is actually very painful for me -and trans wasn't the issue. I just described some of my feelings.She wrote back and apologized for being insenstive in sending the link. My response -the link wasn't insensitive. Not telling me of your daughters visit was insensitive.

I might as well name it. So now I feel I need to filter what I tell my parents and this sister-as they are keeping info form me.

This is written a week after I heard. At the time I was upset enough that I had a long cry.

I'm feeling more resilient today but the hurt remains.
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Tabitha, I am so very sorry. I am sending lots of kind thoughts and strength via this post. Is older sister able to shed some light as to why middle child is not including you in their life at least? Sending you peaceful thoughts.
 
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