Supporting a Complicated Bereavement

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ninj

ninj

Well-Known Member
Pronouns
She/Her/Her
I really hesitated posting this. I would not in a million years want the person in question to see this, but it's vastly unlikely. No way to make it more private...
I'm an ass. This won't come as a big surprise to a few. I readily admit my feelings aren't as compassionate as I sincerely want. I also feel selfish -- and I am. This isn't about me.
The problem is, I really want to show the genuine sorrow I feel for the loss of a friend's middle-aged daughter, but I have a long, sometimes problematic history with the mother. I promised myself to distance myself from the toxicity on both sides. Then she's hit by stunning loses - her husband, daughter and beloved pets in less than a year.
We were once inseparable as teens, and kept in touch over the years. She has a generous heart and has always been kind. Trouble is, I feel resentment for her (variety of reasons) and feel diminished around her. I'm trying to get past this. It sounds weird even to me, but I don't feel I can be as supportive as she would wish right now. I know the right thing to do is to chuck authenticity and just be there best I can, which means some lying and a lot of teeth-clenching.
I've done ok so far.
I think I just need to process.
Thoughts and advice gratefully received. She already believes her loved ones in heaven have been reunited, in case that's the advice.
Also, I'm not up for the deep dive of walking with her through this. I think her family were also her closest friends.
 
It sounds like a complicated friendship rather than a complicated bereavement. How do you keep in contact with this old friend? Do you text, email, see each other in person?

That could influence how you go about showing your support.

When my mom and dad died I very much appreciated the people who sent cards. I know it sounds cliche but you really don't need to say anything more than "I'm sorry for your loss."

If I am confident I share religious faith with the bereaved person, I might say "God be with you." I would never say anything about God's will and would never want to hear that either.

From what you have told us, I would say send a card, maybe share some memories but don't get overly involved in a relationship you have put behind you to a certain degree.

Good luck. Please let me know if I am missing something important here.
 
paradox3 said:
It sounds like a complicated friendship rather than a complicated bereavement. How do you keep in contact with this old friend? Do you text, email, see each other in person?



From what you have told us, I would say send a card, maybe share some memories but don't get overly involved in a relationship you have put behind you to a certain degree.
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Exactly. I'm already past the card stage though. I sent a box of fancy treats for her instead of flowers since she admitted to needing a daily chocolate fix. We keep in touch through social media. Not frequently, but in touch. She is bereft. Her family was literally everything to her and met all her needs. That she is reaching out to me. I feel helpless.
 
She has called me. I spent time on the phone with her and tried to be the friend she needs. I don't think I can keep it up though.
I'm pretty sure dhe has no idea I feel the way I do. That's how it needs to be right now.
 
She is terribly vulnerable. I wish she had more support than she does right now. With her, there was no "I". She married young and was so bonded that I knew when she said "I" she actually meant her partner too. They went everywhere socially together.
She must feel so lost.
 
I looked up bereavement resources in her city and there are a couple. It can't imagine it would be anything but callous to suggest that though. I know I would feel abandoned if the situation were reversed.
 
I wonder if her reaching out to you was just as hard for her, as it is for you to respond back?
The situation calls for kindness and compassion and right now you don't really have to dig deeper than that. IMO
HUGS
 
Waterfall said:
I wonder if her reaching out to you was just as hard for her, as it is for you to respond back?
The situation calls for kindness and compassion and right now you don't really have to dig deeper than that. IMO
HUGS
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And that was my immediate response. She needs someone there for her.. I just am not prepared for this and don't know how to gracefully go forward feeling as I do.
 
Waterfall said:
Ah, well loneliness is a killer and dying from a broken heart is a real thing. She's still grieving and reaching out. I know you don't want to, but.......
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I do understand and that's why I'm calling on people. I'm heartbroken for her and wish I could be more helpful. It's just our lives could not be more different. Of course I'm trying to be there....very, very complicated.
 
ninj said:
I do understand and that's why I'm calling on people. I'm heartbroken for her and wish I could be more helpful. It's just our lives could not be more different. Of course I'm trying to be there....very, very complicated.
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It does not help that I've never talked to her about those barriers knowing it wouldn't be productive. Message to all -- get right with people.
 
ninj said:
I do understand and that's why I'm calling on people. I'm heartbroken for her and wish I could be more helpful. It's just our lives could not be more different. Of course I'm trying to be there....very, very complicated.
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Sorry wish I could be more help...tough one.
 
paradox3 said:
Does she have anyone she could reach out to in the city where she lives?
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I hope so. She has a few other friends and a couple of siblings too. I just don't know how much help is there and how appropriate it would be to suggest that. Especially now. Honestly too, it's hard to imagine she'll care to access professional help if her history is any indication -- who knows for sure. As mentioned, her husband and daughter were her closest friends.
 
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