I'm Not Gay But.....

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ninjafaery

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I don't like this. Why do people have to make it clear that they are not gay when it comes up in conversation. It is usually the first thing they say. Is it so no one of the same sex hits on them? Is it embarrassing if others may consider that gay is one of the things we might be? Heaven forbid we could let just pass without comment. I really wish it wasn't a thing anymore. Still lots of work before that happens. What possible reasons are there for underscoring your orientation? I'm not hetero but......

Thoughts?
 
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It usually comes up like that, I find, when someone is talking about an attractive person of the same sex. "I'm not gay but he's a really good looking guy." And it's usually men. I have no problem saying I think another woman is attractive without prefacing it with "I'm not a lesbian, but". I think it's long been acceptable among women, in general, to more openly recognize attractiveness of other women. We have had fashion magazines and beauty products aimed at us most of our lives, so we're used to looking at half naked women and comparing - or choosing not to - ourselves to the images presented to us. And I think it's a lie when straight people say they can't tell whether another person of the same sex is attractive when it's super obvious. Give me a break!
 
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Mendalla

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So when I (bi) comment on a guy, no preface is needed because we only need to explain if we AREN'T gay. Or do bisexuals play by different rules again?
 

ninjafaery

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By the way, what difference does it make who hits on you? What would you normally do? Say you're married if you are, or "one of us is binary". It's the distancing...
 

Mendalla

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By the way, what difference does it make who hits on you? What would you normally do?
In my real life, play the marriage card. If I was single, though, then it would come down to who, when, and where rather than biological sex or gender identity.
 

ninjafaery

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It usually comes up like that, I find, when someone is talking about an attractive person of the same sex. "I'm not gay but he's a really good looking guy." And it's usually men. I have no problem saying I think another woman is attractive without prefacing it with "I'm not a lesbian, but". I think it's long been acceptable among women, in general, to more openly recognize attractiveness of other women. We have had fashion magazines and beauty products aimed at us most of our lives, so we're used to looking at half naked women and comparing - or choosing not to - ourselves to the images presented to us. And I think it's a lie when straight people say they can't tell whether another person of the same sex is attractive when it's super obvious. Give me a break!
Absolutely right. "I think it's long been acceptable among women, in general, to more openly recognize attractiveness of other women." And why is that? Of course it's about the objectification of women, but the meta story is female bonding, I think. Common objectification.
 
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So when I (bi) comment on a guy, no preface is needed because we only need to explain if we AREN'T gay. Or do bisexuals play by different rules again?
I wasn't referring to bi men in particular. When I hear "I'm not gay, but..." It's usually men saying it.
 

Mendalla

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Aren't bi's gay when they're gay and straight when they're straight (in affection)(or whatever)?
Not necessarily. What about a bi who's a third in a hetero couple so is involved with both sexes? Or has both male and female partners on the go? (Hopefully with all involved being aware).

Bi doesn't mean flipping back and forth. It means being somewhere in between and capable of engaging erotically/romantically with either or both. Sexuality, like gender identity, is a continuum not a binary.
 
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By the way, what difference does it make who hits on you? What would you normally do? Say you're married if you are, or "one of us is binary". It's the distancing...
Well, maybe if a person hits on someone of the same sex and they don't want to insult them - it clarifies that "I can recognize you are attractive but I am not interested in having sex with or being sexually involved with anyone of your gender - it's not you, it's me." Sort of thing.
 
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Not necessarily. What about a bi who's a third in a hetero couple so is involved with both sexes? Or has both male and female partners on the go? (Hopefully with all involved being aware).

Bi doesn't mean flipping back and forth. It means being somewhere in between and capable of engaging erotically/romantically with either or both. Sexuality, like gender identity, is a continuum not a binary.
But then that comment would not come up. @ninjafaery is pondering when and why it does.
 

Mendalla

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Well, maybe if a person hits on someone of the same sex and they don't want to insult them - it clarifies that "I can recognize you are attractive but I am not interested in having sex with anyone of your gender - it's not you, it's me." Sort of thing.
Unfortunately, when a gay/bi man hits on a straight man, the result can be an insult or even an assault. This whole macho BS about gay men being a threat to straight men's "masculinity" needs to end before we can get to this point.
 
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Not necessarily. What about a bi who's a third in a hetero couple so is involved with both sexes? Or has both male and female partners on the go? (Hopefully with all involved being aware).

Bi doesn't mean flipping back and forth. It means being somewhere in between and capable of engaging erotically/romantically with either or both. Sexuality, like gender identity, is a continuum not a binary.
But when someone is actively involved in the act, one person at a time, then that is the case.

I had a fling with a woman - someone who was a close friend - in my early 20s so I guess I am bi. Or was at that particular time. She was openly bi. I was curious, and my partner was very attractive - but it didn't physically feel like the right preference after having tested where that boundary was for me. My bisexuality is in my mind not something I want to express physically. So I learned something. I could understand, then, saying "I'm not gay but...it's me not you."
 
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Unfortunately, when a gay/bi man hits on a straight man, the result can be an insult or even an assault. This whole macho BS about gay men being a threat to straight men's "masculinity" needs to end before we can get to this point.
Yeah. And I think that's why people say I'm not gay but..." It's a polite way to get around the machismo thing. It's perhaps, honest, in certain situations.
 
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ninjafaery

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With men, there seems to be some remnant of that old gladiatorial idea that as long as you were "on top" (in charge so to speak) you retained your machismo regardless, as long as they were of lower status, ie. enslaved and women. Two men of status...well. Queen Victoria did not believe women could do anything wrong together (given her sheltered state, hardly surprising.

It just stands to reason to me, there's a continuum, and it seems we just construct what we need to as a society. .I'm in the same range as M, and find it easy to relate to pretty much anyone who I'm drawn to as a kindred spirit. If it's reciprocated, that relationship can be explored. It's just who I am....who I've always been.
 
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ninjafaery

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But when someone is actively involved in the act, one person at a time, then that is the case.

I had a fling with a woman - someone who was a close friend - in my early 20s so I guess I am bi. Or was at that particular time. She was openly bi. I was curious, and my partner was very attractive - but it didn't physically feel like the right preference after having tested where that boundary was for me. My bisexuality is in my mind not something I want to express physically. So I learned something. I could understand, then, saying "I'm not gay but...it's me not you."
What you just described is how we figure out where we are on that continuum. You figured that out in the process. Don't make you anything.
 

ninjafaery

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So anyway, I think it's just something to be aware of. Saying "I'm not gay but" is kind offensive in most cases IMHO. Might as well say, "Sucks to be you".
 

Luce NDs

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Let us take it all in essence to be transient ... as essence and spirit were once called genre ... it could be transgenre and we didn't note the altercation being we don;t appreciate spirits entering our private physical domains that are basically non essential! One would have to open their mind and body to to conjunction ... and thus lose our autonymity! After all we were given this independant separate condition as a means of learning about our other parts ...

Then something always changes ... or change is always a concern for thus institutionalized in lack of learning and intellect! Stonewalled ... ????

A single folk perspective would need to understand a sea of word to extract that shady apparition! Whine Purple Sea ... engorged with entanglement complexities ... thus many go their own way ...
 
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