Dementia

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I don't think we will have a choice. The waiting list for rooms is over a year, and ...if we go the route of...we're in crisis...I think we get whatever is available. And it might even be an hour away. But, I will talk to someone tomorrow and do some figuring. Of course, we want the best for mom, but we also have to be respectful to my sister and her husband. We have room for mom at my place, but my husband also has cancer, which is holding its own at the moment, but no guarantees...
 
I like the idea of temporary respite though...My sister says that Mom is too needy for it though.
 
The disruption is so hard on folks with dementia. Best to only move once if you can.. I'll be thinking of you.
 
i'm only mid 60's, but i wonder if I should have my name on list somewhere.

Has anyone here put their name on lists?
 
I have told mom in a very matter of fact way that she has dementia. But I don't belabour it. It is just part of the conversation about why my sisters and I are doing more for her. She didn't drive, so the losing the license way of telling wasn't an option. She is usually sweet, and talks about her forgetfulness regularly, chalking it up to being 90. The problem is: Mom has done too well in assessments to be considered as having Alzheimer's. (she is good with numbers, and can draw a clock). But she probably has another kind of dementia and she has been on a waitlist for a year and a half for the Geriatric Clinic to do a more thorough assessment. It is now becoming critical: Mom has begun to get stuck in her thinking. She doesn't recognize her winter clothes and thinks they are her summer clothes so she is on a mission to find her winter clothes. She isn't as clean as she used to be...puts dirty clothes back in her closet. And she fights getting any outside help, just relies on her three wonderful daughters.

Well -- we are getting to a crisis point. The sister she lives with is in crisis: her husband has cancer and will be starting chemo in two weeks. Mom won't understand the different bathroom needs that will be happening. My sister is stressed to the max and answering the same questions nine million times puts her over the edge. Also mom is a fair bit of work for that sister, who also happens to work full time.

I am doing some phoning tomorrow as I think she may need to be placed in a home. She will fight it. She has the money. She always set aside money in case of this day, but in her current state...she fights it. The sister she lives with is feeling guilt. I have pointed out that things have to change, and this will be a rocky time for all of us, but we always pull together.

Mom has not been officially declared incompetent to make her own decisions. I'm thinking that may be the first thing to pursue.
If this is a sudden added behaviour change, have you checked for a UTI ( urinary tract infection)? Symptoms can be delusional behaviour, increased bathroom use, maybe back pain, dark or cloudy urine. There is also a silent UTI with no symptoms.
A urine test by the doctor is usually needed.
Perhaps she also needs to be retested for dementia? Things change.
I love that you and your sister are so caring with your Mom, but yes sometimes it's impossible to keep it up over time as even the caregivers get older.
 
She's still on the list. She is 77 now and figures she will get into the new one being built by the Legion, as her husband was a veteran.
 
If this is a sudden added behaviour change, have you checked for a UTI ( urinary tract infection)? Symptoms can be delusional behaviour, increased bathroom use, maybe back pain, dark or cloudy urine. There is also a silent UTI with no symptoms.
A urine test by the doctor is usually needed.
Perhaps she also needs to be retested for dementia? Things change.
I love that you and your sister are so caring with your Mom, but yes sometimes it's impossible to keep it up over time as even the caregivers get older.
Yes, this is a sudden added behaviour. I now sneak into her closet to remove dirty clothes to put into the clothes hamper. She always loved clothing, but now she just doesn't want to change into anything new. And when she does, she claims that the items she wore for 3 or 4 days are not dirty. To be fair, they often don't LOOK dirty, and she prefers to spot clean rather than put things into the hamper. I just got an appointment with her nurse practitioner and the geriatric clinic. Yay. I have a feeling there will be a little bit of a fight when I bring her to the geriatric clinic.
 
My friend put her name on a list for a retirement home when she was in her early 70s.
The is much variation amongst retirement homes. At one end of the spectrum, there are high end places with a hotel type vibe. These are usually marketed to younger, active seniors. Even 65 year olds in some cases.

Other places have a more home like vibe and would remind you more of a university residence than a hotel. But nicer than a dorm usually. They generally have care packages that can be purchased for PSW support.

Some homes have memory care or dementia floors that are more like publicly funded nursing homes. Sometimes the ambiance is a nicer though.
 
i'm only mid 60's, but i wonder if I should have my name on list somewhere.

Has anyone here put their name on lists?
Just for a retirement home? Or do you mean for something more?

My great grandma went from a seniors building to a retirement home, unsure of the wait. One set of grandparents moved to a retirement home, my grandpa is still there, the wait was under a year. Those 2 really didn't provide much for care. My great grandma was required to set out garbage every day by a certain time to avoid a wellness check.

If something more, I don't really understand how, although maybe ON has a different process. AB - not sure of the process and certainly wouldn't recommend that to someone like my parents now, too much in flux.
In MB my grandma went through the paneling process. It was surprising the number of places where she was not eligible due to oxygen needs. My mom had been trying to get something for both of her parents set up before then, but really there were a lot of gaps. Many of the things that were difficult for my grandpa at home, before he was in hospital would have been difficult for him in a retirement home too, although at least there wouldn't have been the worry of getting the lawn mowed, snow shoveled, etc. He wasn't really eligible for what he needed because the system was too focused on dementia.
 
In the studies on my being about chronic disorders ... they include things buried in the mind for fear of public knowledge ... this entangles stress relief!

Expect song and dance from many ....
 
My mom has been officially diagnosed with moderate to severe Alzheimer's. We see changes almost daily, but we also see her desperate attempt to know what's going on...Now, the next hurdle is to somehow get the power of attorney changed so that it doesn't all fall to my sister who works full time, has a daughter with an eating disorder, and a husband who just started chemo. Right now, she has power of attorney for health (but my other sister and I take mom to all her appointments), and my brother who never shows up has financial. It took me a week to get hold of him to tell him about mom's diagnosis...phone, email, text. Finally talked to him last night. So, we want me on with my sister for health, and my other sister with my brother for financial. Not sure if we can do this, but I'm making a call to the lawyer.
 
Nancy's mother must have designated who she wanted to be her POA when she still had capacity.
And people don't always choose right. Somehow, all three of us were Dad's POAs for finance, but I was left off the POA for care for some reason.
 
I don't think it will be easily done at all. Nancy's mother must have designated who she wanted to be her POA when she still had capacity.
Yes, but sometimes circumstances change. We've since talked it over and decided to keep it the way it is. Maybe my sister can give permission for me or my other sister to receive information when we are doing the caregiving. Mom wanted to be fair, so gave each of her four kids a 'job', so it wasn't about trusting one more than the other. But she lives with the one to whom she gave power of attorney for health -- certainly made sense at the time. But that one is unable to do the doctor appointments now. Oh well -- we'll muddle along I guess.
 
I did write to the lawyer, and then wrote again to cancel my request. He sent back such a beautiful, warm and caring email. It was just what I needed after one sister went at me for even considering this because (in her words) Mom will die before we ever have to deal with this. Sigh.
 
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