I have told mom in a very matter of fact way that she has dementia. But I don't belabour it. It is just part of the conversation about why my sisters and I are doing more for her. She didn't drive, so the losing the license way of telling wasn't an option. She is usually sweet, and talks about her forgetfulness regularly, chalking it up to being 90. The problem is: Mom has done too well in assessments to be considered as having Alzheimer's. (she is good with numbers, and can draw a clock). But she probably has another kind of dementia and she has been on a waitlist for a year and a half for the Geriatric Clinic to do a more thorough assessment. It is now becoming critical: Mom has begun to get stuck in her thinking. She doesn't recognize her winter clothes and thinks they are her summer clothes so she is on a mission to find her winter clothes. She isn't as clean as she used to be...puts dirty clothes back in her closet. And she fights getting any outside help, just relies on her three wonderful daughters.
Well -- we are getting to a crisis point. The sister she lives with is in crisis: her husband has cancer and will be starting chemo in two weeks. Mom won't understand the different bathroom needs that will be happening. My sister is stressed to the max and answering the same questions nine million times puts her over the edge. Also mom is a fair bit of work for that sister, who also happens to work full time.
I am doing some phoning tomorrow as I think she may need to be placed in a home. She will fight it. She has the money. She always set aside money in case of this day, but in her current state...she fights it. The sister she lives with is feeling guilt. I have pointed out that things have to change, and this will be a rocky time for all of us, but we always pull together.
Mom has not been officially declared incompetent to make her own decisions. I'm thinking that may be the first thing to pursue.