Someone suggested a joke thread............................

KayTheCurler

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Elsewhere someone suggested that we could have fun with a joke thread. It sounded like a good idea to me so decided to start one. My personal preference is for jokes related to religion in some way. I offer for you the following:

After he opened the door of the Ark, Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, which they did - most of them. A little while later, he found a pair of snakes that hadn't multiplied and asked them why not.

"We can't multiply," they replied. "We're adders."

Well, this was quite a dilemma, so Noah asked God what he should do. God told him to construct a platform out of stripped tree trunks and put the snakes on the platform. Noah did so and the snakes multiplied forthwith. And so Noah learned the deep spiritual truth that adders need log tables to multiply.
 

You just never know

Blip, blip, blip....
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 

KayTheCurler

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Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.
"How was your summer?" Bee #1 asks.
"Not too good," says Bee 2. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough
pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the
corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on.
Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee 2 buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the Bee #1.
"Great!" says Bee #2.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on
your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I
was a wasp."
 

KayTheCurler

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Here is another one, especially for Lent. People are allowed to smile in Lent, aren't they?

(Tune: "My Favorite Things")

Sackcloth and ashes and days without eating,
mortification and wailing and weeping,
a hair shirt that scratches, a nettle that
stings--
these are a few of my favorite things.

Penitence, flagellants, memento mori,
spending nights sleeping on rocks in a quarry,
the sound of a cloak'd solemn cantor who sings--
these are still more of my favorite things.

Tossing and turning and yearning, I'm spurning,
passions aflame like an ember-day burning;
corpus and carnis and wild drunken flings--
forsaken are they for my favorite things!

When it's Christmas,
when the tree's lit,
when the cards are sent,
I simply remember my favorite things--
and then I can't wa-a-a-a-it 'til Lent
 

Luce NDs

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In the thread of life without the two sided Golden Roués ... is there anything that doesn't make up a Divine Comedy or Err?

Have you looked about at our broad-based denials of anything other than self? Such observations just blow my mind ... more scattered chit than you can imagine ...
 

RevLindsG King

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Sad to say: Too often, many of us clergy and laity, who are too pious, are so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good!
At a service conducted by youth, the one who took the opening prayer said:

"O God, I have a question for you: "Why don't you make all the bad people--especially the ones in our community and our church--good? And, while you are at it: Could you make all the good people, especially the grumpy old ones, nice?
 

Luce NDs

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"O God, I have a question for you:"

Can you imagine an unquestionable God allowing such inquisitions ... must be out of context and into syin tax! Such things tax my mind and detract from what's incarnate there ... or appears as it isn't ... now there's a strange technology ... comprehension of aliens! Are aliens thingys or anon-thingys ... like pun-ishly ethereal? Not so punish 'n that we can't laugh at great hunger ... that domain where there's nothing!

Sounds to me like a mental ether ... and now I expect a word from de void ... a large dark s'moor ... smear? Suite things can be messy when consumed!
 

Luce NDs

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The things that one can describe to people that can't see things without adequate word ... and thus they just don't accept what is mis-sunder ... standing there rye ... as sa trap! Oppression of intent or just chaos on the opposing side of soul ... passion is like that why intelligence gets confused with desiradda ... and snaky moods ...
 

KayTheCurler

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Two nuns, Sister Ann and Sister Teresa were driving across Europe. When they got to Transylvania they were obliged to stop for a red light. To their horror, a small Dracula like figure jumped onto the hood of their car and hissed at them through the windshield.
Sister Ann was driving, and was neither brave nor quick of thought, so she yelled, “Heaven protect us! Sister Teresa, what shall I do.”
Sister Teresa replied that she should turn on the windshield wipers and try to knock the little Dracula guy off the hood. But even on FAST the creature managed to remain, hissing and snarling at them.
Then Sister Teresa suggested turning on the windshield washer, “I’m sure that will get rid of the abomination, I remember filling the washer with Holy Water when we were at the Vatican.” So Sister turned on the windshield washers. The Dracula like apparition screamed as the drops of Holy Water scalded his skin – but still he remained on the hood of the car. Sister Ann was nearly in despair, “O Lord help us, what should we do to rid ourselves of this monster?”
“I know” said Sister Teresa “Quick, show him your cross!”
“Right on” said Sister Ann, “Now you’re talking business.” She rolled down the window of the car, stuck her head through and yelled “Get the F*** off our car!”
 

RevLindsG King

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KayTheCurler
You mentioned Holy Water? KTC, you will be happy to hear: After a lot of sweet-talk, I finally persuaded a priest, who happens to be an old friend of mine tell me: "Father Joe, tell me: Is there an art to the making of Holy Water? Do you have to go through a special ceremony?"

"Not at all!" he said. "All I do is take a gallon or more of ordinary water, put it on the stove in a stainless-steel container; make the sign of the cross and boil hell out of it for ten minutes or so. :LOL:
===============
 

Mendalla

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INRI is the acronym for "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews" or something like that in Latin, is it not? I can look up the Latin later because mine is rusty (hell, it's probably rusted through and falling off the car by now) and I'll get the cases of the nouns wrong or something if I try to spell it out from memory. And it was the sign put up on the cross by the Romans to tease/taunt him? That's just from my hazy memory, though.
 

revjohn

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INRI is the acronym for "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews" or something like that in Latin, is it not? And it was the sign put up on the cross by the Romans to tease/taunt him? That's just from my hazy memory, though.
Gold star!

I is used because J had not been invented yet so Jesus is Iesus
N for Nazareth
R for Rex (Latin equivalent of King)
I see above Iude (Lating equivalent of Judah)
 
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