• A member of the original wondercafe, Punkins has passed away. There's a thread in the In Memoriam section
  • Our new header image is our own private beach. See Council News & Business for more.

Not sure about having kids

KayTheCurler

Well-Known Member
Messages
4,269
Reaction score
3,597
We chose to raise four kids. Mostly their presence in my life delighted me until they grew up and some became very difficult to be around.

Although we realised there would be a downside to having kids we didn't truly understand how devastating that would be. No further education for me. Scrimping being a total lifestyle. Small town 'snobbery' that left me out of the social life because I didn't have a degree in anything. Retirement with less disposable income than others in our age group. We would probably make the same decisions again. Kids are special.

Giancarlos - only you and your partner can decide but...……...I recommend asking others with and without kids how it is working for them. Especially I'd ask the guy I mentioned to you when you were asking about a different topic. Hopefully your questioning will bring you into contact to some of the people who 'parent' other peoples' youngsters. Many of them are well loved coaches, unofficial teachers (art, music etc) , Scout/Guide leaders, volunteers at special care centres for kids with special needs, etc..

I wish you well as you search for your paths through this.
 

BetteTheRed

Resident Heretic
Messages
14,196
Reaction score
7,968
What I would observe, from a practical POV, is that if you have children, AND they observe you caring for your parents, there is a greater chance that you will have family help in your senior years.
 

Lastpointe

Well-Known Member
Messages
2,140
Reaction score
1,453
We have two kids and I am glad we did. It did change my caster path but that was ok with me

You mention wanting your PhD you and your wife and mention first getting masters degrees. Realistically you are talking about 5-6 years of school, much more if you are working and doing it part time. I know people who chose to get educations part time to fit in kids when they were young But the expense of being in school is significant.
it is a commitment and an expense. But for me, family was important, our own and our extended family
 

Luce NDs

Well-Known Member
Messages
40,349
Reaction score
3,609
Kids are the worst.
Kids say the darndest things about family sacred situations ... setting off bombs to separate lynx ... lynx letters to the public in coded form of humus ... holes in the clear parts cause Alice in Wonderland Syndrome ... a complex relationship!
 

GiancarloZ

You can also call me Karl
Messages
908
Reaction score
568
Thank you everyone for offering your thoughts and sharing your experiences. I really appreciate "listening" to your stories.
When we look both ways, having or not having kids, there is so much to gain and to loose...
We still have not made up our minds, but we did book a session with a couple therapist to get some professional help on how to figure it out.
 

Tabitha

journeying
Messages
6,396
Reaction score
4,058
I haVE 3 ADULT OFFSPRING- 4 PREGNACIES-ONE THAT WAS A MISCARRIAGE/STILL BIRTH.
dID IT AFFECT MY CAREER-OF COURSE. wITHOUT THE KIDS-OR IF MY MARRIAGE HAD NOT ENDED-i WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MY MASTERS DEGREE.
dO i REGRET CHILDREN-NOT MOST DAYS. tHEY DO BRING JOY. and oops sorry about the capitals.

Can you do more school with children? Absolutely!It may need to be delayed or part time but you both can certainly do it.ally doesn't have to be one or the other.
 

GiancarloZ

You can also call me Karl
Messages
908
Reaction score
568
Can you do more school with children? Absolutely!It may need to be delayed or part time but you both can certainly do it.ally doesn't have to be one or the other.
When I look at the costs, the moving needed, and the time requirements, it seems that going through Graduate School with a child or children looks like desperation. And then the part time stuff makes it last forever - I don't have the patience to complete a masters degree in 5, 6 years, or a PhD in 7. My wife goes crazy with cleanliness and order stuff, and I can foresee our marriage going down the ladder with a child + graduate studies.
 

Luce NDs

Well-Known Member
Messages
40,349
Reaction score
3,609
Children are a pain in the ass ... why god dropped Christ out of the heavens ... twas a dark state of affairs!

We have two adult children and two adult grandchildren that have reduced us to a childish state! Learning is just beginning ...
 

revjohn

Well-Known Member
Messages
7,066
Reaction score
5,579
GiancarloZ said:
On the cons side, my wife has had childhood issues that make her not so sure about motherhood.
That is something that needs further attention. It can take a lot of personal effort not to repeat the mistakes of previous generations.

I wrestled with that a great deal.

I think I survived by finding new and unique mistakes.

Sorry kids.

GiancarloZ said:
We also are hoping to obtain post-graduate degrees, and having kids would make one of us to give up on that.
Not necessarily

My wife and I combined for 8 different degrees (graduate and post graduate) between our first pregnancy and our third child's 6th birthday.

Kimberly did most of the heavy-lifting. She's addicted to higher learning. It hurts my head to remember all of her degrees and certifications.

She is still at it and our youngest daughter now has a toddler and a husband who clawed their way back into the nest until they get enough for a down payment.

The good news is after 10 months of work they are halfway there. House prices in Torbay, NL are very modest as are property taxes. Torbay is just a ten minute drive from our pricier Logy Bay area.

GiancarloZ said:
I don't want to be the one giving up, but also don't want that my wife gives up.
Education is an investment. It pays dividends. Some better than others admittedly.

My pension would be higher if my pension fund stopped buying stamps to tell me why my pension improved somewhat.

The three children we have are not likely going to care for us into our dotage. I'm all for walking off into the bush and just disappearing when the time comes.

The kids are okay with that provided I actually disappear and not come back lugging some "neat" find or sharing the locations of heavy moose activity, or some new foraging find I intend to eat.

GiancarloZ said:
That leads to deeper questions - is it worth to renounce to a family for a career?
It doesn't have to be either/or. You can make it both/and.

GiancarloZ said:
Will a good career bring the same joy and fulfillment that (generally) having a family does?
Depends on what brings you joy.

I went the both/and route, not aware of joys missed because of it.

Did we struggle some? Yup.

Do we struggle still? Presently we are in a rough patch. My position was reduced to half-time so I am once again looking for a new Church. I am currently on an appointment back to St. Anthony, NL because they have had extremely rotten luck with finding clergy of late.

GiancarloZ said:
This is quite our last year or couple of years to decide that, because my wife is 35 and we do not want to go through a risk pregnancy.
There will be a lot of factors to consider. 35 is not too late. Of course, to be quite candid the quality of sperm decreases with age so it may not be simply a risky pregnancy.

That said, our first born was conceived when both Kimberly and I were in fertile sweet spots. Autism Spectrum