estranged family members

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Tabitha

Tabitha

journeying
I'm sure many wc2's have estranged family members. I thought we could talk here.
My middle child is estranged-and has been since about March. Not just me but extended family as well. To complicate matters I'm like 95% sure a gender transition is also happening, F to M. At least their has been a name change with the University. We miss them, and would love an email just saying all is well. It's my first Christmas with 2 kids (well young adults) rather than 3 and there is a hole in my heart.
 
Tabitha, I have felt a bi of that with siblings.

For years, my one b-i-l would say they were coming, then not show up. Sometimes it was as a couple . The questions would be from logistics, how many to plan to have sitting at the table, to gifts. It became easier when we quit drawing and went to just gifts in a round robin style and also when we just had a more leisurely seating arrangements. It still was a frusration, do we start eating or wait for hem. Alcohol was part of the issue, so you didn't know if arrival occurred what shape he would be in.

More recently, it has been my siblings that have been a challenge to know if they will arrive. Planning is similair in terms of do I ship the gift or keep it in hopes they will arrive and then ship later. Food was also an issue, though easier to adapt and who doesn't mind leftovers. For them, we would generally know a few days before if they weren't coming.

For your situation, it is much harder, in my mind. There are complications, and plus, they are young. Missing them has a double hit.
 
My brother disappeared for a long period. We were young adults. We three girls married and raising families in different parts of the country - Ontario, Quebec, NB - we kept in touch through letters and long distance calls, and the occasional visit. Our brother was single - living in Montreal but he moved often. Alcohol was a big problem for him. We tried to keep in touch, visited when passing through, invited him to visit and made arrangements to meet his train or bus. And then he disappeared for a year or so. No one knew where he was. When he resurfaced he explained that he had taken a job in an isolated area on the Ungava peninsula in Quebec and that there was no phone, and mail took ages to reach him - and he didn't think anyone would worry.
Back in Montreal - our youngest sister who lived closest tried to keep in touch. For a few years he formed a relationship and lived a fairly normal life. Sometimes he and his partner would visit her and play cards, or they would invite one of her children to spend a weekend. But the relationship didn't last - and it became harder to reach him as he moved from apartment to rooming house, and on to another. Phone often disconnected.
One year our older sister brought him down to our place in NB. We made a point of no alcohol on the premises. I took him back to our home village on a fishing trip. He helped me build a pen for my lab puppies, and did odd repairs around the house. Played cards. Spent time with his teenage nephew and niece.
Then he went back to Montreal. A few weeks later his friends phoned our youngest sister saying that our brother had disappeared - he hadn't been back to his room for several days. And a few days after that his body was found in the river. We believe that he fell in while walking along the river bank after a night of drinking. The only possible witness was so drunk herself that she couldn't give a coherent story.
It happens in families. People get lost. Sometimes they find their way back to home and family; sometimes not.
I know that when I first left home at seventeen, moved to a big city in another province, started a life for myself as an independent adult, keeping in touch with my siblings was not a high priority - just occasional letters, visits, calls. But after we married and had children of our own, my sisters and I became close again.
Sometimes people just need time to find out who they are and work some things out for themselves - and they have so much going on in their own lives they don't realize how much pain they might be causing those who love them.
And sometimes love is not enough.
Tabitha - I can only imagine your pain.
 
Well I reached out again today. (I do send weekly e-mails to email address that I have. The United Church Chaplin on campus also works 1/2 time with the youth at the church we attended there. So I sent her an email and asked her to keep an eye ouot. S
She commented that she's had a phone call last spring-but she was on sick leave at the time. (It was march when she stopped answering phone and texts for us-and was not at home when I went to visit). So Chaplin has U of A email-but no phone number. I'm thinking this might work.

Meanwhile-I think I'll just keep the gifts I had for March for Xmas and not worry too much about stockings- we can stretch the 3 I'm buying for into 4 if needed.

And meanwhile I'm slowly sorting through her room here. I'm passing on lots of girls clothes-things she deliberately left behind. The was a student at middle school who needed stuff, so a shopiing bag fullof hoodies and tight was well received.
 
Tabitha said:
Well I reached out again today. (I do send weekly e-mails to email address that I have. The United Church Chaplin on campus also works 1/2 time with the youth at the church we attended there. So I sent her an email and asked her to keep an eye ouot. S
She commented that she's had a phone call last spring-but she was on sick leave at the time. (It was march when she stopped answering phone and texts for us-and was not at home when I went to visit). So Chaplin has U of A email-but no phone number. I'm thinking this might work.
Click to expand...
I hope that works out. I had a good conversation with her when she came back :)
 
I think continuing to reach out, non judgementally is the best thing. Gentle, i love you.......

I might not clear out the room though. That could feel like you were wiping them from the house

My two kids had more or less moved out but still had rooms fulls of stuff. When we sold the hosue they in fact wanted to keep much of it. Sem they were happy to donate away but they enjoyed sorting it out into piles
 
Don't worry I'm not clearing out precious stuff-like the collection of snow globes. Just the stuff she is unlikely to want ie the girl's clothes she has not used for the past 4 years.
 
I have the feeling from your opening post, that your heart knows exactly what support you want to give. Sounds like you child could badly use it.
Isn't parenting often a one way road and only if we are lucky enough and live long enough, we might see the tree that sprouted out of the seeds we planted. (Or we hear from other people how well behaved, outgoing, smart they are...and at home you wonder.)
I am pondering over the idea of writing down all the wise things Iwant to say to him, to which he won't listen now..at least there is a chance that he will find it, cleaning out my house...
Life is a mystery over which we do not have control.
 
Mrs. Anteater, your comment re writing out all the wise things reminds me about a behaviour that I don't recommend.
In going through my Dad's special papers looking for a legal document, I found a letter written to someone to be given to them after his death. I asked him about it and sure enough it was full of all the times they had hurt him. ugh. Not recommended.
 
Pinga said:
Mrs. Anteater, your comment re writing out all the wise things reminds me about a behaviour that I don't recommend.
In going through my Dad's special papers looking for a legal document, I found a letter written to someone to be given to them after his death. I asked him about it and sure enough it was full of all the times they had hurt him. ugh. Not recommended.
Click to expand...
Maybe this is wrong, but it made me laugh. It's kind of the opposite of what some people recommend, write everything down that's bugging you and then burn it or whatever.
 
Pinga,you didn't read my post right. I said: "wise things " that he wouldn't listen to now.

Isn" t it the nature of families that once you are young you don' t listen to your parents, because you think you have to do everything yourself, proof yourself- and as you get older, you actually get that you are not so different from you parents, and eventually, you understand that we are all connected and fending for oneself as if there is nobody else around is kind of stupid, because there has been people before you, next to you and with you, that are valuable sources of understanding, advice and help.the world is full of wisdom, once you get away from being so self centred. Many things in families don't get said. We don't tell stories anymore, we sit in front of screens. Of course, ideally, we should talk with eachother, but that happens only on rare occasions. especially with teens. Maybe you have the luck of having a big family that tells eachother stories- other people ' s life stories, lessons learned, funny things, sad things. The other day,I had a good moment when We drove to christmas shopping and knowing that he just had been left by his girlfriend this month ( aboutwhich he did not want to talk about), I told him about my ex relationships , under the headline: what women value in relationships- a pure personal perspective. Didn't mention his story at all, of course.
He has tomake his own experience- but he is not a reader, and I believe all stories told, books read, do put an imprint on us in some ways. I find in real life, I might tend to the" told you so" attitude, but in writing, I am much smarter.
 
Yes, we do indeed know why tigers eat their young. I have no pictures of my daughter from ages 12-15. She ran away so often that the cops got all her pictures for distribution as a missing child.

She's fine now, at 25, and we get along just fine. But there were times I could cheerfully have smothered her as a teen.

I can feel some of your pain, Tabitha, and predict that it will work out fine in the long run, probably, but it's going to be a painful holiday; look after yourself, please.
 
Tabitha said:
@Jon71 Thanks
@Mrs. Anteater-I can see a book of wisdom-or evena photoalbum type book of recipes and wisdom combined- parenting teens and young adults is not for sissies.
Click to expand...
I like the combination with recipes- did you manage to teach your kids how to cook?
I remember me calling Mom for cooking advice- later when I needed it. As a teen she had to drag me ito the kitchen.
 
I have 3 young adults the oldest is a great cook. Pumkin pie, cheesecake etc.
Middle adequate but her last place only had toaster oven and hotplate and youngest-makes great Annie's (a version of Kraft dinner).
All 3 do have family recipe books though.
 
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